agonyaunt | (no subject)

My sister has had untreated mental issues for many years. It has culminated in her losing custody of her baby. My parents are aging and realistically cannot raise the baby. I am not close to my sister, but my husband and I are more than willing and happy to take the baby—excited even. But! The big but is that we cannot give the kid the same opportunities as our own children. We live paycheck to paycheck in order to send our two kids to private school. While the public schools are not horrible where we live, they aren’t great, and it was a decision we made early on. Because of this, my family thinks we are more well-off than we are. The truth is sending another child to private school would certainly put us over. There is just no way. My parents think we are just ghastly in thinking we’d send my nephew to public school when my other children are in private school. “Might as well put him in foster care!” is what they say. As is, I would have to find a different job to accommodate another child to the mix. School is a ways off and my children would be in middle school when he is old enough to attend. We really don’t want to pull the kids out of their school altogether. They have friends and a community they love. Are we so horrible?

—Third Time’s the Dilemma

Dear Third,

Yeah, you cannot do this. Not because I think a public school education would be unacceptably inferior to your kids’ private school—I don’t—but because it reveals an unmistakable difference in your perception of this baby and his role in your family and that of your biological children. Before addressing matters of schools or finances, it’s your mindset that you need to tend to.

I’m sorry that your sister isn’t well, and I’m really sorry that she and her son cannot be together healthfully. This is a weighty situation, and while I’m glad you’re able and happy to care for the baby, you also have a responsibility to be careful and thoughtful as you proceed. I am worried that you phrased your concern as “we cannot give the kid the same opportunities as our own children.” If you adopt your sister’s baby, he is your child, fully and completely, and you need to structure your life as thoroughly around him as you do your other kids. That is what he needs and deserves, and every decision you make has to be founded in the premise that he is an equal member of your family. I get that you weren’t expecting this and aren’t currently prepared to absorb the financial impact of adding a third child, and there will be changes and tough decisions on the horizon. But the solution cannot be that you maintain one particular standard of living for your biological kids and the baby gets whatever’s left.

So, in the case of your kids’ education, if you can’t afford to pay three private school tuition bills (and there is no financial assistance available), then I’d first begin by making sure you’ve given your public school district thorough and fair consideration. My impression is that your decision not to enroll your kids was based more on the district’s reputation than your personal experience, and given what a hardship the tuition has been with just two kids enrolled, I would definitely try to get more familiar with your public option. Reach out to administrators to ask for an overview or see if you can visit; talk to local parents. If you just can’t get on board with what you find, then your next step should be reaching whatever solution will allow you to distribute your resources equitably among your three kids, whether that’s both parents making a job change, moving to a new district, or whatever else your personal circumstances allow.

Again, though, it’s not so much about the school decision specifically; that’s ultimately just one of a lifetime’s worth of choices in which you are obligated to offer your generosity and consideration to all three kids as fairly as you possibly can. The first thing you need to do is ensure you are mentally and emotionally prepared to do that.

—Ms. Bauer (middle and high school teacher, New York)

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/guardian-equal-treatment-kids.html

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There may be some situations where it is appropriate to send some of your kids to private school and some to public school. This is not one of them, and shame on LW for even suggesting it.

If the LW had just had a third biological child and were asking whether it'd be okay to send that child to public school when their older siblings went to private, I'd say absolutely. Family financial situations change over time (and additional children change the financial situation). But when it's your adopted child that you're treating significantly differently from the other two, and you're planning this before you've even adopted them? No.

Also, if the older kids will be in middle school by time the baby is school aged, why not send the older kids to public middle school or public high school) and send the baby to private elementary? Then the baby gets the benefit of better early education (assuming the private school actually is better; some aren't), and the older kids get a change of environment and peers at a reasonable time to have a transition.

there is a problem of kids wanting to go to the next school with their friends, but I think it is probably more important to love the new child, also not paying fees would make them better off day to day, to their general benefit

(also also if they chose private to avoid their poor/black/etc neighbours at public school shame on them, and public school will teach useful social lessonns)

Um, financial aid exists. I'll admit I'm not intimately familiar with the ins and outs of financial aid, especially as it applies to changing family circumstances, but the financial aid offices of the schools in question would be the first place I would have taken this question, rather than an advice columnist.

I'll stop there, aside from noting that I'm getting a strong feeling of unexamined prejudice against the public school system from, well, not just LW, but everyone involved in the letter - their parents, their community, and so on, and Ms. Bauer is good to call that out.

I'm getting a strong feeling of unexamined prejudice against the public school system from, well, not just LW, but everyone involved in the letter

You're not wrong, and honestly, unless the private school is really special it's probably not that much better than the local public schools - but since it is there, what LW is proposing still is rank favoritism.

In plenty of situations in America it's likely worse. However, it's beside the point I think, because like... I feel like even this answer is understating the case. LW thought this letter was appropriate to write and made sense to write. They are so blind to how awful this question is that they weren't even embarrassed! You can't pull that up to an acceptable standard of parenting just by telling them it's wrong.

In plenty of situations in America it's likely worse

Yes, when your entire reason for opening a private school is less minorities and more prayer, that's the result.

You can't pull that up to an acceptable standard of parenting just by telling them it's wrong.

You can say that again.

My parents think we are just ghastly in thinking we’d send my nephew to public school when my other children are in private school. “Might as well put him in foster care!” is what they say.

It occurs to me, belatedly, that non-parental family members are entitled to the same stipend as other foster parents. It may actually be worth it to discuss this with a lawyer and/or social worker... though that won't alter the fact that they're blatantly proposing that they treat the kid who probably needs the most help in what they consider the "lesser" way.

I used to work at a private school which gave multiple-sibling discounts. It's worth talking to the school's financial aid department.

(Once LW pulls their head out of their ass and stops thinking of this poor child as the literal Poor Relation, that is.)

Oh man, yes. Poor Relation is exactly what I thought of when I read this letter.

Will the kid be living in the cupboard under the stairs, too?