agonyaunt | (no subject)

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DEAR ABBY: My husband gets very upset when our 4-year-old sons don't share his enthusiasm over something that excites him. He wants them (and me) to jump up and down or cheer when he's excited about something. The problem is, he tends to share his news when we're getting ready for bed or just plain tired. I feel guilty for not acquiescing, but at the same time, I don't want to fake it. Any suggestions for a compromise, please? -- AT A LOSS IN TEXAS

DEAR AT A LOSS: Explain to your husband that you are "sorry" he's upset at the lack of enthusiasm he's receiving when he's excited about something, but his timing is off. If he expects you and the children to be his cheering section, it would be helpful if he timed his announcements so they don't conflict with bedtime, when everyone's energy level is low.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/05/14

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The problem is not Dad's timing, the problem is his expectations. His children and wife should not be expected to put on a show of excitement every time he is happy. That's ridiculous.

Does the husband express excitement when the children bring them a picture that is lovely only because they made it? Does he laugh at their funny-when-you're-four jokes?

Even if he does, he doesn't have the moral right to demand they appease his emotional wants.

Well, of course.

What on earth is he sharing that he expects his 4-year old sons to give the ol' college cheer for? Huh???? Maybe in a few years time they will be more receptive -

Or possibly not, because this sounds tedious.

"Did you know that CHICKENS are a kind of DINOSAUR?"

Anything less exciting than that doesn't deserve a bedtime routine interruption.

It's a big problem when adults haven't grown up enough to realize that they're the adults and their children's job is not to take care of their feelings. I mean, it never is, but putting that expectation on toddlers is simply ludicrous.

Simple solution here: Dad is now the one in charge of getting them ready for bed. (why is he off doing exciting things while you're putting the kids to bed anyway, LW?)

I wish LW had given an example. I would not expect a four-year-old to care about or even understand most of the things that excite adults.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for a four-year-old to be able to understand "this person I care about is excited about this thing so I am happy for them even if it's not my thing!" and it's reasonably-age appropriate to model that with them too.

Like if the general response in that household to "I am excited about this thing!" is "ugh I don't care go away," that's not all on husband, that's crappy relationship skills all around (and being taught to the four-year-olds.)

Seems like the actual problem is that Husband has no concept that other things going on might be more important than his current feelings (because "please wait to show us this thing until we aren't busy/exhausted and can appreciate it better" is something a four-year-old might not quite have picked up on yet but a grown man ought to have.) Secondary problem is likely that LW is always too tired to cheer and never has their own excitement to share because they are taking care of three four-year-olds on their own.

Edited 2022-05-17 00:16 (UTC)

I think it's perfectly reasonable for a four-year-old to be able to understand "this person I care about is excited about this thing so I am happy for them even if it's not my thing!" and it's reasonably-age appropriate to model that with them too.

It honestly depends on how much of this is hyperbole.

If we're taking the letter literally, I think it's *not* reasonable to expect anybody to actually jump up and down in excitement over your good news, nor to be "very upset" when they fail to perform to expectations. (Even if all you really want is "Great news, Dad!" I think being "very" upset is too much. Mildly irked, maybe.)

But if LW is just exaggerating for effect then... I don't know.

I mean, with two four-year-olds? I work with a lot of four year olds, and some of them will jump up and down in excitement over being offered a sticker, or being told they can read a book, or finding out that Daddy got the DVD he was waiting for. And adults who spend a lot of time trying to model emotions for four-year-olds will do that kind of thing around them too. So while the letter is (understandably) making it sound unreasonable, "jumping up and down and clapping" as the way you expect your young family to express excitement isn't that odd, they probably do it a lot (although older four-year-olds might be starting to age out.)

The "being upset when they don't perform excitement to your expectations" is absolutely unreasonable, I think we all agree with that, though. (And 'not being upset if other people don't treat you like the center of the world' is also something you should be modelling for four-year-olds already!!)

Someone needs to grow up, stat. Hint: it's not the LW or the 4-year-olds.

I had to read this a couple of times to fully grasp that the person demanding performances of joy from everyone around him was the grown adult and not one of the four-year-olds.

My dad does the exact same thing. If he's happy or feeling like telling jokes he expects everyone else to share his mood. If the other person makes it clear firmly that they doesn't, he changes his tune and starts shouting the other person down. Cue bitching under his breath for the rest of the day.

It's weird to say that someone suffers the good moods of another person, but it's absolutely a thing that happens.

My dad didn't care about the age of his children, either. Imagine being an 8 year old trapped for hours in a car trip with this person talking about politics non stop, who expected us to agree with his every viewpoint, and refused to take a hint to change the subject.

The columnist's advice to accommodate husband's unreasonable expectation sidesteps the problem without addressing it. It's a matter of boundaries, not timing. If husband refuses to change, what then? I also suspect he might do other things that cross his family's boundaries - it's just this one annoyed LW the most.

Edited (Adding to the comment) 2022-05-17 09:40 (UTC)

It's weird to say that someone suffers the good moods of another person, but it's absolutely a thing that happens.

It really, really is.

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