agonyaunt | (no subject)

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Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been together for over 10 years and have three kids together, ages 7, 4, and 2 years old. Once our first was born, I gave up going out and drinking — no complaints.

I feel like the kids are well taken care of. However, her moodiness and spending habits have gotten worse. I generally don't complain about it, but when she asks, I am calmly honest. Sometimes that leads to me being yelled at.

I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty dang good. I cook at least half the meals, buy at least half the groceries, spend a lot of time reading and playing with the kids, and I try to involve her in anything I want to do: Hunting, fishing, watching movies/sports, games, whatever. But if I suggest it, she doesn't like it.

She screamed at me because I bought a house for us, even though I had been screamed at for years because we were renting.

She's mad that even though she contributed nothing to the purchase, I wouldn't put her on the deed, due to her past bankruptcies.

We agreed to split household bills and the mortgage ("rent," as she calls it) 50/50, but she is always late with her payments.

I'm ready to contact a lawyer to draw up eviction papers.

My preference is to have the kids stay with me 100 percent of the time. Fifty-fifty is what she'd want.

With a 50/50 arrangement I find it highly unfair that I would owe her anything.

The fact that I make three times what she does means I should have to pay for her choosing a bad profession? Ridiculous.

Basically, I want my kids and I want to continue living my life. I'd rather not drag her through the mud in court, even though I think she’s emotionally abusive to me and the kids.

Seriously, my best plan right now is to serve her eviction papers if she continues to be angry all the time.

Any better suggestions?

– Mr. Pretty Dang Good Dad

Dear Mr. Good: First this: You may not be able to simply “evict” your partner, just because you want her out.

Money is obviously a key issue for you, but you make triple your partner’s income and yet you two split your mortgage and expenses 50/50. Why is that? Also, depending on what state you live in, income you’ve earned during your relationship could be considered “community property.”

Before breaking up the family, you should invite the mother of your children into counseling so that you both might learn better ways of relating and behaving.

A lawyer would update you about your legal rights and responsibilities regarding your children. If you truly are a martyr to your screaming wife, and not someone with a martyr complex, the court might award you sole custody, but if you share custody, because you are the higher earner, you would likely be expected to help support the other household; this is intended for the benefit of the children.

Mediation might be the least expensive (and least stressful) way for you two to part ways.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2670610?fs

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Man, he sure works hard to present himself well, but somehow the inner asshole keeps slipping through. I don't know what the real story is, but I'm sure this isn't it.

(Not that she's presented in a good light, mind. Unless he's making this all 100% up I think it's clear that they're both acting badly. But I just don't like him.)

There are a lot of missing missing reasons, that's for sure.

The fact that I make three times what she does means I should have to pay for her choosing a bad profession?

Dude, she bore three children. That has an impact on a woman's professional life, whether you want to admit it or not.

Edited (grammar) 2022-05-05 15:29 (UTC)

Notice that in his "good parent" self-kudos he only mentions the fun things. He doesn't say he takes them to the doctor, talks to daycare/school about whatever issue cropped up this week, supervises homework, does the laundry....

And of course, he wants 100% custody to spite her, not because she's a bad parent.

Edited 2022-05-05 15:32 (UTC)

And he tries to involve her in his fun times! Hunting, fishing, watching movies/sports, games - I am getting a very strong sense of 'doesn't actually ask her what she would like' e.g. probably bought the house without asking for her input, and that is why she is Not Happy.

It reeks of Lots Left Out.

Hunting, fishing, watching movies/sports, games was so stereotypically a list of things bros think only men like that I actually wondered at this point if he was deliberately trolling.

Wow, this guy sounds like such a keeper.

l like the kids are well taken care of.

That, plus specifying that he cooks at least half the meals and spends a lot of time reading to the kids, suggests that he not only isn't taking the kids to the doctor, he slept through the night while his fiance took care of the baby, and he expects her to be responsible for toilet training and all the other unpleasant and repetitive parts of childcare. Yes, reading to your children, including the two-year-old, is a good thing, but it's a lot more fun for the parent than anything that requires washing your hands before or after you do it.

Trying to evict the children's mother would probably make any judge more likely to give her at least partial custody, if she wants it. Conversely, I doubt he's prepared for the possibility that she would say "OK," pack a suitcase, and let him worry about diapers and what's for dinner and so on immediately.

Today, in People Who Want A Cookie For What Isn't Even Basic Decency...

This does not sound like a man who picked someone to be his life partner. There's a give and take to that which is not mentioned here at all. Why did he marry her in the first place? What's changed her, and is it him?

I wouldn't even be shocked to scratch this guy and find a gaslighting asshole underneath making her feel like she's going mad for questioning such obviously sensible things as buying a house (but actually it means more expenses, or it's a terrible area or it's an awful house or too small, or it's a million miles away from her family). There's a whole side of the story here which is not shared at all.

He didn't marry her. That's why he's hoping he can just evict her and not have to pay any child support or anything.

Right! Brain confused this one and a different one I'd just read. But the point kinda still stands: why'd he make a life with her in the first place?

He doesn't seem to think he has: "my kids", "my life", etc. The girlfriend is just someone who helped produce the kids and is now superfluous.

Repeat after me: children are entitled to the best standard of living their parents' combined income can provide them. This means that if you make enough money to provide yourself with a nice, multi-bedroom, well-tricked out condo, you do not get to leave your kids in a one-bedroom apartment with a half-fridge and no AC when they're with the other parent. Again, repeat after me: you are not giving money to ~~that bitch~~ your ex. You are paying to support your kids.

Also, you cannot just "evict" someone who has been living with you for years, not legally and certainly not if you expect to have a good relationship with your kids. Do you really think they're going to love and adore the person who tossed their mom out onto the street? Or do you even care about their emotional needs.

Also, dude, if this is you presenting yourself in the best possible light, you're pretty much a dick.

"Also, dude, if this is you presenting yourself in the best possible light, you're pretty much a dick."

THIS

"she yelled at me when I bought a house" sure implies that he bought it without... I don't know. Getting her input anywhere in the process? And when he insists on splitting the expenses 50/50 and she doesn't have a say in the purchase, no wonder she's put out.

Not to mention that he's justifying why she's not on the deed as if it would be ridiculous for her to insist on it and AT THE SAME TIME talking about "evicting her", jesus christ my dude.

Yes, I noticed that. After which it feels like he thinks his money entitles him to dictate their lives together.

Dear girlfriend: please dump him and take him to court for all he's worth.

co-fucking-signed.

Agreed.

I'm getting some extreme psychological weirdness from this guy. Not just that he is likely a gaslighting asshole: everything about his motivations seems off. Somewhat psychopathic? I know that word gets thrown around and isn't particularly precise, so maybe what I'm detecting is just some kind of personality disorder. He seems to have a viciously held self-image that is counterfactual and also unassailable with obvious evidence, which indicates a narcissist... and the narcissist is always overcompensating for some kind of internal ego void/wound, as I understand it. The transactional understanding of everything would fit with that, and I suppose there is a strong narcissistic tendency to protect their self-image by getting as deep into denial as they have to, which perhaps covers the wishful thinking about everything. The mother seems to be viewed with nothing but contempt even in the past, and having her pay rent out of a poor salary and getting upset about how she does spend her money when he also seems to have insisted entirely on separate finances are also not really coherent and sensible behavior. Plus the amount of wishful thinking involved in the idea that you could just evict someone you've cohabited with for years and raised children with and escape child payment is amazingly optimistic, apparently without even googling anything... the odds are they've got a common law marriage and she's likely entitled to half of everything or something like it. I hope she is, if only for a chance at a healthier environment for her and the kids out of his reach...

Wait, she’s paying 50% of his mortgage, she doesn’t own any part of the house and he’s pissy because she’s LATE?

And she makes a third what he does?

Also, who's paying for daycare? Or is she in a "bad profession" because someone's got to be home for the preschoolers?

I'm pretty sure a decent lawyer in any state is going to love it when she explains that she has been paying half the mortgage and expenses, does most of the child care, has been refused being put on the deed (I could hope he's carrying full mortgage insurance and has a will establishing a trust managing the home and insurance payouts for at least their minor children, but I will bet he isn't), and he's trying to evict her from the home, is going to find it very easy to make a case for support and custody for her and the children.

This guy is a major asshole. My only disagreement with the preceding comments is that I don't take his choice of chores to describe as an indication that he doesn't do anything else. He wants the kids 100% of the time, after all.

I cook all the meals for my family, and if asked about my household jobs, I'd probably name that one first. It takes a lot of time. That doesn't mean (for example) I didn't change diapers or stay up with my kids when they were babies. I did.

Calling Whole Man Disposal Services. Yes, the whole man.

"I am calmly honest."

One particular tell on AITA AHs is where they make a point of saying how they calmly/gently/etc-ly respond to someone, which means they're winding the other person up *just* so they can claim to be the reasonable one. Another is where they're "honest", which is always about the other person's failures, never anything they've done right.

The combo is a new one on me.

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