agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I am a self-supporting working woman.

Over the past decades, I've written personal essays for various publications. I don't make money at this; I wish I could!

I have a portfolio full of my work. Some pieces are humorous; some are serious.

I moved to a new town three years ago and made a new friend. She was going on a long car ride, so I offered to give her a few of my essays to read while she was away.

She has not said a word about any of the essays. I'm surprised because two of the pieces mention how my son battled cancer as a teenager. I had never discussed this extremely personal topic with my friend. I thought this was a good way to enlighten her. (My son is now cancer-free.)

I finally asked her if she read any of my work. She said she did. She had no comments. Nothing positive; nothing negative.

I find this very odd and a bit insulting. I am not a terrible writer. If the pieces were poorly written, they wouldn't have been published in the first place.

Is my friend upset that I never broached the subject of my son's illness before? I believe she's the type of person who would let me know that the omission upset her.

She didn't comment on the humorous pieces, either. Wouldn't a friend say SOMETHING?

I just don't get why she hasn't said a word about something very close to my heart.

Any ideas?

– At a Loss in Colorado

Dear At a Loss: A negative response from a friend could be deflating, but no response is much worse, because the writer in you fills the void with questions and doubt.

Yes, I do think it’s possible that your friend was shocked by some of the personal revelations you wrote about but had never disclosed to her. But some people simply do not realize that the kindest response from a friend is to offer encouragement, a question, or a compliment, along with any less-positive comments if the conversation goes deeper.

It is possible that your friend simply didn’t like your work, and doesn’t know how to deliver a vague and friendly acknowledgement that might satisfy you.

Because this worries you, you could say to her, “I’m a little thrown off that you haven’t had anything to say about my work. Are you open to having a conversation about it?” If she demurs, accept it. You should re-publish your work on a website, so in the future anyone who is interested in your writing can easily find and read it on their own, without you pressing it upon them.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2668563?fs

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Geez, LW, take a hint. Friend didn't read any of this writing. She only accepted to be polite, and when asked about it she said "Oh, yes, yes, I read it" in the hopes that LW would change the subject.

If LW wants Friend to know all about Son's battle with cancer, she should just tell her about it. Or maybe not - if LW isn't close enough to this woman to know that she's not interested in reading this writing, maybe she's not close enough for that sort of sharing.

Oh boy, the amount of cluelessness in this letter is comlpetely off the charts.

And WTF is with this advice? "Gentle hinting produced no help, so hint harder, but no more directly".

Yeah, this advice is awful. Giving your creative output to a friend unsolicited is always a crapshoot and you absolutely have to let the friend drive any feedback about it. Maybe she didn't read it. Maybe she hated it and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she doesn't think you want to talk about it directly because, you know, you didn't.

Exactly!!!! This too.

If you choose to notify someone of some big emotional life events in your life by just awkwardly giving them some "essays" without any hint that they're full of heavy material and trying to act casual about it, what message do you THINK they're gonna take away? Most likely they're going to assume that for some reason you don't WANT to talk about it explicitly. LW's method was truly bizarre as a way to introduce a subject she apparently DOES want to talk about.

I mean, it's also possible that the friend read it and simply didn't know what to do with the information. It could have not really been their cup of literary tea - not everyone likes reading essays. It could have felt too personal in a way that they don't know how to respond to - oh, jeez, you bared your soul to me and now what am I supposed to do with this beating and gushing heart that you've placed in my hands (even if you didn't think it was that deep, they might have). Or maybe they read it and didn't understand how emotionally attached you are to what you wrote - are these essays snapshots or are they painstakingly crafted oil paintings?

What you want to remember is that writing, like any work of art, has meaning to the person who created it and quite possibly a completely different meaning to the person who receives it. Don't be too bent out of shape when those aren't the same thing.

Full body cringe.

LW, your friend doesn't owe you anything about your writing in specific. A friend should be supportive, but supportive doesn't have to mean reading it.

It sounds like what you really want is to talk to this friend about your son. Do that, without the pretence (to yourself and to your friend). Check your friend is up for the feelings-dump before you go for it.

I would find it weird and encroaching if a new friend gave me her published essays to read on a car trip, and if they got EXTRA weird about it afterwards I'd be on my way out of that friendship.

I'll read what I want to read, THANKS, and LW needs to take a hint: assume your friend hasn't read the essays, isn't interested in reading your essays, and only said she read your essays to be polite.

This is why I write fanfic. Because I have to write (I don't know why, I just have to every so often) and if I didn't have a place to put it I fear this would be me, desperately stuffing my autobiographical jottings into everyone's hands and begging for their feedback when they never wanted this interaction in the first place.

This is giving me Bad Art Friend vibes (the Why Aren't You Commenting On My Posts bit, not the plagiarism).

Edited 2022-05-03 22:37 (UTC)