Sense and Sensitivity: Taking a Break

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend wants to take a break from me. After a heated argument, he told me that he wanted to take a break. I freaked out and accused him of trying to see other people. He clarified that he just wanted a break from talking to me.

I don't want to just leave our relationship on this note for now. I want to talk everything out, but he's been ignoring me for 24 hours. I can't believe he decided to take a break from me without my agreement. We've been together for almost 3 years. I think he should just hold on because I know we can work this out. How do I get my boyfriend to stop ignoring me? -- Phone Isn't Buzzing, Staten Island, New York

DEAR PHONE ISN'T BUZZING: As much as you want to talk to him right now, it is clear that he doesn't want to talk to you. Rather than pushing him to pick up the phone, stand down. Whatever happened between you has caused him to retreat. Perhaps you should take this period to reflect on what sparked the argument, what your role is in it, what his role is in it, and where you would like to take your relationship.

It could be as simple as having some time apart from each other. But it could easily be that you two have reached an impasse. Healing your bond may require more listening and less talking. For sure, you cannot get your boyfriend to do anything until he is ready. Be still and listen to the voice inside for answers.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, I've been on multiple sides of situations like this (including just outside to the left), and I'm always puzzled when one person asks, "Why do they just get to declare the relationship over/that they won't engage in X activity/etc?" Because as much as it can hurt, they do. The absolute core of personal autonomy is the right/ability not to do something. If you getting your way/getting input means they have to do something, then just plain old reality means you may not get your way, because you cannot compel someone to do something. And if you really think about it, any alternative is horrifying.

I sound really unsympathetic, and I'm not, because I've been the person dropped from a relationship/friendship with no idea of why. But I do know that when someone is backing away, pushing at them is not going to move them in the direction you want.

[amadi]

As much as LW wants him to have a positive feeling about them before he goes radio silence, they're going to leave him with just the opposite if they keep trying to push communication that he doesn't want. No means no, and if LW can't respect this boundary, it makes me wonder what other boundaries of the boyfriend they've disrespected in these three years.

[kaberett]

preeeeeeeeeeetty much.

[recessional]

Yup.

I mean, there's a corollary there that goes, by the same token the person who does that gets to deal with the consequences of it: the other person gets to say, for example, that they cannot handle or do not want to put up with being stuck on radio silence without warning or discussion, so no this is not a break this relationship is over.

I have watched the Boundary Maker get quite upset about that corollary on more than one occasion, but it's just as true as the other way around. ("But we were just on break!" "No, YOU decided you were on break. THEY decided they couldn't handle having a sig-other who unilaterally put the relationship on break, so they broke up with you. That's how this works.")

(This honestly applies to me: that kind of behaviour is a significant enough trigger* that even if it's being done "innocently", it's not something I can handle in my intimate relationships. That doesn't mean I get to stop other people from doing it? But it does mean that if they do it I get to go "okay nope, I'm out." "Breaks" aren't necessarily off the table, but we get to talk - in DETAIL - about exactly what they mean, and where shit is going, etc, or I get to go "okay no cannot handle, all done" and hide in my den to lick my wounds.)

(On the flipside I'm not exactly about to freak out and accuse them of trying to cheat unless I have, you know, evidence of actual cheating.)

Everyone gets to draw boundaries. Some people's boundaries are "when I say I'm taking a break I'm not answering you until I feel ready." Others' can be "I cannot deal with being in a relationship to someone who does that."

Sometimes, those boundaries WON'T mesh.

So.


*see also: things that happen when someone quite, quite deliberately uses YOUR fear of abandonment to control you! It's great. By which I mean not at all even remotely great.

CN: letter-consistent levels of controlling etc

[kaberett]

Yep, and I mean -- obviously (ha) I am coming at this from the perspective of having, for years, been in a shitty terrible relationship where (a) I "had to" keep talking until my ex was satisfied about my motivations/I had adequately (i.e. cried and apologised for 90 minutes straight) performed my contrition/etc, which frequently lasted until 2 or 3 in the morning, whereupon I had to get up at 7am and he didn't, (b) he refused to believe anything I said about how I felt/what my motivations had been, and (c) I "wasn't allowed" to say "I need to tap out of this conversation and revisit it after I have had an appropriate amount of sleep". Oh right and (d) this happened at least a couple of times a month.

And then, of course, he'd keep phoning/texting/etc me if I flat-out stopped being able to cope, and would be incredibly supercilious at me about the different The Person You Are Calling Is Currently Unavailable messages that were read out when you called a number depending on whether the phone was (a) off or (b) out of battery.

So I am very definitely bringing a bunch of my own issues to the table -- but also As I Think We Know I do have massive abandonment issues and, well, in my current relationship we do an on-the-whole-pretty-good job of saying "I need to tap out of this conversation, I'll be back in 30 minutes" or "I need to take a month to think things through, during that time communication I'm okay with having looks like X" or whatever.

SO YES: incompatible boundaries = ABSOLUTELY A THING, and "I cannot deal with unilateral taking-a-break-from-comms" = entirely 100% reasonable, but also I... very much got the impression that LW is rather more like my shitty ex than like you.

Re: CN: letter-consistent levels of controlling etc

[recessional]

Probably! I just find it's a thing that often gets left out - we will Firmly Discuss how people are allowed to set boundaries and Make Rules about how they are treated! But not about the other side, which allows for "but I was just setting BOUNDARIES" to become the kind of tool it was used on me.

Because as is THE STORY OF MY LIFE, I have spent time on both sides. -.- And honestly put up with the other bullshit a lot longer than I should have because I was solely focusing on "but I know how awful it was when someone was bugging me with the "you have to keep talking to me" thing so clearly I must not do anything like that!"

And, you know: sometimes "taking a break" is actually code for "I'm breaking up with you but I'm conflict avoidant", so they're even HAPPY that you go "okay nope can't handle leaving"! And also note that what you get to DO if you can't handle someone shutting you out is . . . end the relationship!

Not harass them, I mean, or demand they keep talking to you, or anything like that. You get to leave and stop giving them your emotional anything! Soooo yeah, either way, LW should NOT keep trying to make contact, that is not a good response.

Just, you know, for any versions of me-eight-years-ago out there: they are allowed to set their boundaries, but you're also allowed to go "I can't handle this in a relationship" (of any kind) and tap out, and that doesn't make YOU a bad person, either.

Re: CN: letter-consistent levels of controlling etc

[kaberett]

*nod* yep absolutely.

[cereta]

Yyyyyyep. I mean, 24 hours. I've gone 24 hours without talking to my husband.

[azurelunatic]

One of my very dear friends watched his dad be a clingy asshole to his mom, so he is very much on the side of "oh my GOD I need some space" ergo I give him space. And I let him know that I appreciate it when he checks in with the "btw I'm elsewhere for lunch today"...

This person, omg.

[sathari]

...24 hours. And this person is writing to an advice columnist in distress already. WHAT.

+1 to what everyone else has said re: the setting of boundaries and the corollaries to that. People get to decide that they need breaks from each other's company, and people also get to decide that they are not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who needs to takes time off like that.

And... there is something about the LW's specific wording that is off to me; the repetition of the phrase "take a break from me"--- like it's all-encompassing, like it's a complete rejection of LW's entire existence, not, just, you know, some downtime, time spent not interacting with each other, or something? Like, LW, time to reframe and not catastrophize! Your boyfriend isn't rejecting your entire existence, just the level of communication involved! (Maybe that's just me, but, the repeat wording "take a break from me" as opposed to "take a break from talking" or "take a break from the relationship" gives me the feeling that LW is... IDK, maybe wrapping too much of their identity up in the relationship? And maybe that's part of the problem? IDEK.)