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Amy decides to mix it up with advice that's partially okay and partially TERRIBLE
Dear Annie: My oldest son has not spoken to me in 15 years. I have no idea what the problem is. I've tried calling him, but he won't answer his phone. I left voicemails, always telling him that I love him.
He told his wife to call my wife (his stepmom) and tell me to stop calling him because he wasn't going to answer. So, I tried emailing. But he blocked my emails. Then I started sending texts. He blocked those also.
My wife and I decided to drive to his workplace and buy him lunch. He's a golf course superintendent at a prestigious private course. It was a 2 1/2-hour drive to his course. They called him from the clubhouse and told him that his dad was here to take him to lunch. He told them to tell me that he wasn't on the grounds. That wasn't true because the guard told us explicitly that he was on the grounds. So, we drove another 2 1/2 hours home.
I am now at a loss for how to fix this relationship. I feel as though I have tried everything, including much prayer time. My wife and I are both Christians and love the Lord. At one time, my son was also. But I don't believe that he is following his earlier beliefs anymore. I am anxious to get this fixed. I am a Vietnam veteran with several health issues caused by Agent Orange. I really want to fix this before I am no longer able to physically. Please help. -- Desperate for my Son
Dear Desperate for My Son: I am sorry for the unbearable pain you must be feeling. As a parent, there is nothing worse than being separated from your kids.
That said, children rarely sever ties with their parents without a reason. Think back on your relationship with your son: Is there something you could have done that may have upset him? If so, a heartfelt apology might do wonders.
I would also ask yourself: How is your son's health, both physical and mental? How is his relationship with his wife? Paradoxically, a person who is suffering often pushes away those closest.
If these questions lead you nowhere, there isn't much else you can do. Relationships are a two-way street; if he does not want contact with you, you cannot force your way into his life. Keep calling and reminding him of your unconditional love. God willing, he will find his way back to you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2654750
He told his wife to call my wife (his stepmom) and tell me to stop calling him because he wasn't going to answer. So, I tried emailing. But he blocked my emails. Then I started sending texts. He blocked those also.
My wife and I decided to drive to his workplace and buy him lunch. He's a golf course superintendent at a prestigious private course. It was a 2 1/2-hour drive to his course. They called him from the clubhouse and told him that his dad was here to take him to lunch. He told them to tell me that he wasn't on the grounds. That wasn't true because the guard told us explicitly that he was on the grounds. So, we drove another 2 1/2 hours home.
I am now at a loss for how to fix this relationship. I feel as though I have tried everything, including much prayer time. My wife and I are both Christians and love the Lord. At one time, my son was also. But I don't believe that he is following his earlier beliefs anymore. I am anxious to get this fixed. I am a Vietnam veteran with several health issues caused by Agent Orange. I really want to fix this before I am no longer able to physically. Please help. -- Desperate for my Son
Dear Desperate for My Son: I am sorry for the unbearable pain you must be feeling. As a parent, there is nothing worse than being separated from your kids.
That said, children rarely sever ties with their parents without a reason. Think back on your relationship with your son: Is there something you could have done that may have upset him? If so, a heartfelt apology might do wonders.
I would also ask yourself: How is your son's health, both physical and mental? How is his relationship with his wife? Paradoxically, a person who is suffering often pushes away those closest.
If these questions lead you nowhere, there isn't much else you can do. Relationships are a two-way street; if he does not want contact with you, you cannot force your way into his life. Keep calling and reminding him of your unconditional love. God willing, he will find his way back to you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2654750
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Missing missing reasons all over this one.
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...
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Found the reason why Son hasn't talked to his parents in the last 15 years.
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word.
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Amy seems to be contradicting herself here.
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If, on the other hand, the problem is on your son's end? Then you can't fix it. (I think this is unlikely, because I don't see any evidence that you've, say, asked your son or your son's wife what you did to cause the estrangement; this letter is all about "I need to make my son have a relationship with me" and not "I need to let my son do what's best for him even if it hurts me". But, having estranged relatives in my extended family where the problem person is actually the estranged relative, I acknowledge the possibility.)
Also, your son's relationship with $DEITY? Very much not your problem to fix. That's between him and $DEITY; all you can do is try to set an example. (And frankly, if you're one of that variety of Christians who makes folks like me go "yeah, I like the theory of Jesus, but if that person is an example of Christianity then I want nothing to do with it", then you really shouldn't do anything.)
Stop contacting your son. Or if you must, send one postcard saying that you will respect your son's wishes for no further contact and that he's always welcome to get in touch if he changes his mind, and then stop contacting your son. Pray for your son's well-being, pray for $DEITY's forgiveness for your part in the rupture, and trust in $DEITY's love and promise of eternal life.
Sincerely, Castiron
(Also, why is the advice giver asking the father about his son's health and relationships? If they haven't talked in 15 years, the father doesn't know! Though clearly the son's relationship with his wife is good enough that he can ask her to run interference.)
(Also, so many questions. So many. Starting with "when did dad marry the stepmother, and was mom still alive at that time?" and "did dad and son really have a good relationship until a switch flipped, or is this like the couple in Taylor Swift's 'Exile', 'You didn't give a single sign/I gave so many signs'?")
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That bit was shockingly bad. "Paradoxically, a person who is suffering often pushes away those closest." LW, if he hasn't talked to you in 15 years, you aren't one of those closest to him.
Though clearly the son's relationship with his wife is good enough that he can ask her to run interference.
That doesn't imply a very good relationship. Just an absence of hostility or an expectation that women do social-logistics (like sending holiday cards.)
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In the postcard to son, do not mention you will be praying to $DEITY for their return. Keep that piece of info to yourself. Bc nothing makes a person run faster if they have decided to change religions than to get a postcard that is religious in tone about how $DEITY wants them to come back to the fold.
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