Ermingarden (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2022-03-29 12:16 pm
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-03-29 12:16 pm
Entry tags:
The Ethicist: Military Ex-Boyfriend Slept with Subordinates
I recently ended a romantic relationship with a military officer. One sticking point was his revelation that, before dating me, he had sexual relationships with multiple enlisted women who served under him and were in his direct chain of command. He said that he wished he hadn’t engaged in these relationships, as knowledge of them could lead to significant disciplinary action and possibly a dishonorable discharge; he disagreed, however, that they were wrong or potentially harmful or compromising for the women involved. He asked me to keep those relationships secret. I agreed, but that decision has weighed heavily on me ever since. I’m struggling now to reconcile my responsibilities to preserve his confidentiality with my responsibility to reveal information that might help protect other women. Your thoughts would be most welcome. Name Withheld
There are a number of ethical issues here, and they pull in different directions. First, what you plan to reveal was confided to you in the context of an intimate relationship. Confidences of that kind are especially important to respect because the possibility of intimacy depends on being able to make yourself vulnerable to someone — including by revealing what you don’t want others to know.
Second, however, it’s unsettling that your ex doesn’t grasp the wrongness of what he was doing. He was betraying an oath; he risked undermining good order and discipline in the ranks; and above all, his institutional power would have made the genuineness of his partner’s continuing consent hard to assess. Yet he is evidently deterred only by the knowledge that he could get in trouble if his conduct were exposed.
A third consideration is that the women he had relationships with in the past have decided not to report him. Although they may have refrained because they were afraid for their careers — which is one reason he shouldn’t have had the relationships in the first place — you should be cautious about second-guessing their decision. And in outing him, you risk outing them, too, and exposing them to punishment.
Without more information, it’s hard to resolve the clashing considerations here. What evidence do you have of what he did? Do you know who any of these women were? Can you contact them to seek their consent? If not, he might be able to brazen it out, insisting that you were just an ex-lover seeking to punish him for leaving you.
Which brings us to a fourth ethical issue. You’ll want to be clear about your own feelings here. Revenge is an unattractive motive, especially when clothed in an expression of concern for others. And it may distort your view of the situation. Given that he at least recognizes that those previous relationships were imprudent, how should you appraise the likelihood that he’ll continue to offend? All this counsels deeper reflection on your own state of mind before you address the balance of the other considerations.
There are a number of ethical issues here, and they pull in different directions. First, what you plan to reveal was confided to you in the context of an intimate relationship. Confidences of that kind are especially important to respect because the possibility of intimacy depends on being able to make yourself vulnerable to someone — including by revealing what you don’t want others to know.
Second, however, it’s unsettling that your ex doesn’t grasp the wrongness of what he was doing. He was betraying an oath; he risked undermining good order and discipline in the ranks; and above all, his institutional power would have made the genuineness of his partner’s continuing consent hard to assess. Yet he is evidently deterred only by the knowledge that he could get in trouble if his conduct were exposed.
A third consideration is that the women he had relationships with in the past have decided not to report him. Although they may have refrained because they were afraid for their careers — which is one reason he shouldn’t have had the relationships in the first place — you should be cautious about second-guessing their decision. And in outing him, you risk outing them, too, and exposing them to punishment.
Without more information, it’s hard to resolve the clashing considerations here. What evidence do you have of what he did? Do you know who any of these women were? Can you contact them to seek their consent? If not, he might be able to brazen it out, insisting that you were just an ex-lover seeking to punish him for leaving you.
Which brings us to a fourth ethical issue. You’ll want to be clear about your own feelings here. Revenge is an unattractive motive, especially when clothed in an expression of concern for others. And it may distort your view of the situation. Given that he at least recognizes that those previous relationships were imprudent, how should you appraise the likelihood that he’ll continue to offend? All this counsels deeper reflection on your own state of mind before you address the balance of the other considerations.