Selfish Bride Wonders if She's Being Selfish

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I am being married to the love of my life. Aside from my soon-to-be husband, the most important participant in our wedding will be my 70-year-old father, whom I adore. Dad has been dating a woman, "Mary," on and off since my parents' divorce 25 years ago. Mary has always had health issues (lupus, kidney disease, alcoholism, etc.), so she rarely attends family functions. Dad is in excellent health, enjoys the outdoors and is very involved in his children's and grandchildren's lives.

Recently, Dad has been spending the majority of his time taking care of sickly Mary, including spending six weeks in a distant city while she underwent surgery and recovery. My siblings and I feel Dad deserves someone who can enjoy life and participate in similar activities, but we acknowledge this is the person he has chosen to be with.

Mary will be attending my wedding as my father's guest. If she's feeling ill, tired, or too weak to withstand the festivities, I am terrified Dad will make an early exit to take her back to the hotel. I would be devastated if he missed out on celebrating the most important day of my life. I also do not want her in the wedding photos, which is a whole other issue. Am I being a selfish Bridezilla, or should I voice my concerns to my father prior to the big day? -- APPREHENSIVE DADDY'S GIRL

DEAR DADDY'S GIRL: Have you not learned by now that you cannot control what another person does? I'm sure your father would love to spend every moment of your special day with you, but there are other priorities to consider. Mary, whose health is poor, is making every effort to be there to honor you. If it becomes too much for her, what would you have your father do -- call 911 and let the paramedics haul her off? In the interest of family harmony, PLEASE grow up and stop obsessing because, to say the least, it is unbecoming. As to the wedding photos, if you don't want her in the pictures, pose her on the END, so you can crop her out of them if you wish.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2652003

Comments

[conuly]

I sure hope LW's future husband treats her more like her father treats his girlfriend than like she wants her father to treat his girlfriend.

[minoanmiss]

That's really kind of you.

[lethe1]

Ha! Yes.

[conuly]

You'll both note I stopped short of wishing she never has any chronic ailments.

I suppose I don't wish that on anybody either, but... well... if they have to happen to anybody, I mean....

[castiron]

That is an excellent way of putting it.

[minoanmiss]

*facepalms* I can't even.

[ashbet]

I think the bride is being awful, BUT...

...she may have buried the lede.

Alcoholism may have made Mary very difficult to deal with, especially (with the ages/dates given) if she came into LW’s life in a parental capacity when she was a child or teen. There is the potential for a lot of chaos, negativity, unpredictable behavior, etc.

As a disabled person with multiple chronic conditions, I find this letter appalling — but I am wondering if some of the resentment is about Mary’s addiction and the behavior that surrounds it.

[cimorene]

Hm, that's true. If she is an alcoholic and not in remission or anything right now, the question might arise what is the actual cause of individual events. On the other hand, a lupus patient with long-term kidney disease who is an alcoholic? This sort of makes me wonder if 'alcoholism' is an overstatement or mis-statement as well... particularly given the vagueness.

Although really, I have to say that even if she's an alcoholic and has always been one and that is the primary cause of most of her health problems (unlikely), it's still not weird for her partner of decades to travel with her for major surgery. It would have been stranger if they didn't. So LW's framing of that trip in particular stuck out to me as bizarrely out of contact with reality.

[ashbet]

No, it’s not at all weird for him to care for her or travel with her — I was just wondering if it was a factor in the outsize resentment that the bride (and, apparently, her siblings) have toward this woman.

I can only go by what’s in the letter, so I’m taking “alcoholic” as a true statement from the LW.

[lilysea]

Also if she's not in recovery, it's possible she could get very drunk at the wedding reception and make a major scene.

[beable]

The way the letter is phrased, I kinda suspect that Mary is "alcoholic" the way a friend's former partner tried to convince said friend's entire medical team that she was "drug seeking and non-compliant" when she wanted to split from her and her time-consuming chronic illnesses and didn't think that "good" people left other people in that situation, so therefore she could only leave if friend was the problem, not because she was completely burnt out being in a perma-caregiver relationship.

I mean maybe Mary does have alcohol problems, but that's not the vibe I get from LW's description and the way the describe everything else. LW just doesn't think Mary has any business being sick and doesn't think it should be dad's responsibility if she is, and "alcoholism" is a great way to prove that.

[cereta]

This letter made me cry. No, that's not a metaphor. I'm blinking back tears right now.

Among the many, many awful things about chronic illness, the worry that I am being a burden on my husband and daughter is pretty high on the list. I am..."fortunate" seems the wrong word, but let's go with it it: fortunate that spouse is not particularly into things like hiking, and that he has an activity that satisfies him separate from me. But the idea that someone would think I wasn't god enough for him because I'm ill makes a solid knot form in my gut.

I say this as neutrally as I can: LW is horrible on so many levels that I can't even count them.

(Also, can we get rid of the "most important day of my life" crap? Please?)

[ashbet]

*gentle hugs*

I very much hear you on this :/

[castiron]

Very careful hugs if welcome.

(Also, can we get rid of the "most important day of my life" crap? Please?)

This. The decision of whether to marry a particular person is one of the most important decisions of your life, but your wedding day is only important because it's the day you formalize that commitment, not because of the day's trappings.

[lunabee34]

I feel this too. Every day.

Will I one day be sick enough and tired enough and boring enough and so far from what my husband signed up for that he will wish he hadn't?

I'm so sorry you worry about these things too.

Hugs

[cereta]

The irony is that when we married, his health issues were our main concern. And they still are a concern. They're actually more serious (in the sense that they could shorten his life) than mine are. They just don't manifest on a daily basis, or cause him to be unable to perform household tasks.

I know he would never leave me over this, but just the idea that my illnesses make him unhappy is very, very upsetting. I'm so sorry you're going through it as well.

{{Hugs}}

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

My husband would never leave me either; he is so kind and supportive. But I feel like a shell of myself, like a bait and switch. It feels unfair.

Basically, I hate being chronically ill. It sucks ass. LOL

I'm sorry you're also dealing with your husband's illness, too, on top of your own. That's a lot to manage.

[purlewe]

Gentle hugs if you want them

This whole letter was such a pile of ableist crap. I wish the best of luck that she does not need help from her husband nor needs to help her father or husband in the future. Bc she would be pretty crap at it.

[cereta]

Hugs are always welcome. And yeah, the letter was absolutely appalling.

[shirou]

LW sounds horrible, so I assume what's going on here is that LW is, in fact, horrible.

But

It's important that caregivers not become overburdened. As my grandparents aged, they became entirely dependent on my mother. Even after my mother finally moved them into a nursing home, she went there sometimes once but usually twice every day. She never got a break and felt like she couldn't travel, even for a weekend. This went on for a decade. It was so, so hard on her. I did what I could but lived hundreds of miles away at that point. When my grandparents died, it was terribly sad, and we cried because we loved them dearly, and still do... but it was also a relief.

There's not enough information in the letter to make any firm judgments about dad's obligations, but if he can't get a full evening to enjoy his daughter's wedding, I find that worrying.

Edit: I reread the letter, and it's pretty clear that LW is worried about herself and her day, not her dad, so yeah, she's horrible. But I think my concerns about dad are potentially valid even if LW is too selfish to think much about them.