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Carolyn Hax: Productivity update
Original letter https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/458046.html
Dear Carolyn live Q&A: Overly "Productive" No More
Hi Carolyn - I'm the lawyer-husband who wrote in twice in 2020, first to complain that my wife wasn't "productive" enough in connection with personal pursuits during the pandemic, and then to update you that after a brief stint of marriage counseling we decided to divorce. As my original question was re-run in the column this past week, I wanted to offer a further update.
First of all, WOW, I was such a glassbowl back then and all the critical comments - from you and from readers - were 100% deserved. As it turns out, fate intervened - shortly after my wife and I decided to divorce, my parents both contracted Covid and ended up passing away. We had a somewhat strained relationship, but it was still a time of extreme grief and regret, especially as (due to this being pre-vaccines) I was not able to visit with them as they were declining, nor were we able to have much in the way of memorial services.
Despite the way I had treated her, my wife was completely there for me with unconditional support, and I asked her to reconsider the divorce - she agreed, but only if I promised to complete a course of individual therapy to figure out why I had been acting so mean and judgmental. We uncovered a lot of issues from my childhood - notably that my parents equated not being the "best" with worthlessness. Even more so, they believed that life was something to be suffered through with grim determination, and that enjoying oneself was almost always inappropriate. For example, when I was 12 I woke up one day to find my beloved piano had been sold; because I was "having too much fun and treating it like a toy." Similarly, I was forced to switch from soccer to track in high school because I wasn't good enough at soccer to be a starter, even though I loved being part of the team. This all resulted in my being incredibly critical (and also jealous) of people who could simply find joy in things (hence my treatment of my wife), as well as a tendency to pursue activities I didn't even like that much due to a fear that I would otherwise be "bad."
Intensive therapy helped immensely. Over the course of the next year, I repaired the relationship with my wife (an infinitely kind and forgiving person) and even got my career unstuck by switching to a different practice area that excites and energizes me. I will certainly be making amends for years to come, but actually feel happy and hopeful now. I am just sorry I wasted so many years and caused so much pain in the process.
I am weeping. What a horrific form of abuse you suffered. I have seen it before but not that intensely--mostly parents who feel it's their job to "toughen up" their kids and show them, "Life is hard, get used to it," instead of trusting that life will do that on its own and therefore a loving and supportive home is all they need to provide.
So, wow. And thank you for this update, and I am -so- glad you're in a better place now.
And credit where due, if you don't mind my co-opting my reply to you to give it: ššš to the person in the original chat who wrote this:
"I suspect Productive doesnāt particularly like himself, either. Thatās the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us weāre worthless if weāre not constantly checking items off a to-do list."
Thanks again, and be well.
Dear Carolyn live Q&A: Overly "Productive" No More
Hi Carolyn - I'm the lawyer-husband who wrote in twice in 2020, first to complain that my wife wasn't "productive" enough in connection with personal pursuits during the pandemic, and then to update you that after a brief stint of marriage counseling we decided to divorce. As my original question was re-run in the column this past week, I wanted to offer a further update.
First of all, WOW, I was such a glassbowl back then and all the critical comments - from you and from readers - were 100% deserved. As it turns out, fate intervened - shortly after my wife and I decided to divorce, my parents both contracted Covid and ended up passing away. We had a somewhat strained relationship, but it was still a time of extreme grief and regret, especially as (due to this being pre-vaccines) I was not able to visit with them as they were declining, nor were we able to have much in the way of memorial services.
Despite the way I had treated her, my wife was completely there for me with unconditional support, and I asked her to reconsider the divorce - she agreed, but only if I promised to complete a course of individual therapy to figure out why I had been acting so mean and judgmental. We uncovered a lot of issues from my childhood - notably that my parents equated not being the "best" with worthlessness. Even more so, they believed that life was something to be suffered through with grim determination, and that enjoying oneself was almost always inappropriate. For example, when I was 12 I woke up one day to find my beloved piano had been sold; because I was "having too much fun and treating it like a toy." Similarly, I was forced to switch from soccer to track in high school because I wasn't good enough at soccer to be a starter, even though I loved being part of the team. This all resulted in my being incredibly critical (and also jealous) of people who could simply find joy in things (hence my treatment of my wife), as well as a tendency to pursue activities I didn't even like that much due to a fear that I would otherwise be "bad."
Intensive therapy helped immensely. Over the course of the next year, I repaired the relationship with my wife (an infinitely kind and forgiving person) and even got my career unstuck by switching to a different practice area that excites and energizes me. I will certainly be making amends for years to come, but actually feel happy and hopeful now. I am just sorry I wasted so many years and caused so much pain in the process.
I am weeping. What a horrific form of abuse you suffered. I have seen it before but not that intensely--mostly parents who feel it's their job to "toughen up" their kids and show them, "Life is hard, get used to it," instead of trusting that life will do that on its own and therefore a loving and supportive home is all they need to provide.
So, wow. And thank you for this update, and I am -so- glad you're in a better place now.
And credit where due, if you don't mind my co-opting my reply to you to give it: ššš to the person in the original chat who wrote this:
"I suspect Productive doesnāt particularly like himself, either. Thatās the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us weāre worthless if weāre not constantly checking items off a to-do list."
Thanks again, and be well.
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Saaaaaame
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If so, LW, here is a star for your hard work (dealing with childhood abuse is so hard) and your wife's loving kindness!
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I know it was a horrible time, being on the brink of divorce and his parents dyingā¦ but. I have often seen that when controlling parents die, the adult children can be freed in ways they never knew possible. No one to actually yell if you donāt live up to expectations! As long as you can free yourself from internalized messaging.
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Also, some people should NOT be parents, Jesus Christ.
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*sniffles*