Ask Amy: False Accusation

[cereta]

Dear Amy: A while back, an heirloom necklace of mine went missing.

The only person to visit me recently had been my adult niece. I asked my niece why she took my necklace, and I told her to return it immediately.

My niece kept denying she had even seen my necklace. I was furious with her for lying to me.

I went to the police and pressed charges against her for stealing. A few weeks later I found my necklace in the pocket of a coat I had forgotten about.

I had wrongfully accused my niece of stealing from me and had pressed charges against her!

I'm ashamed to admit that I also insulted her as a parent and blasted her on several social media sites during those weeks.

We live in a small tightknit community, so word traveled quickly. I was told by another family member that my niece told them she could not even go to the store now without getting dirty looks.

I have, of course, dropped all charges against her and told her I made a mistake. I said, "Let's put this ugly incident behind us and forget it happened."

My niece will not speak to me! Her husband told me that my accusations have caused my niece a great deal of anxiety and she's been sleeping poorly, and having migraines because of what happened.

I just want everything back to how it was before all of this. A close friend suggested that since I publicly humiliated my niece, a public apology would be a good place to start.

I'm ready to drop the whole incident and forget it ever happened, and see no need in continuing to refer back to it.

— Older but Not Wiser

Dear Older: You didn't hesitate to press charges and then spread this falsehood through social media and the community. So I guess your, "Let's forget this whole thing happened" philosophy only kicked in when you were at risk of embarrassing yourself.

Yes, you should apologize publicly.

What you shouldn't do is to repeat the false accusation when you make your apology. (I am often surprised at how often political candidates, for example, repeat alleged falsehoods before refuting them.)

So yes, you should apologize to your niece personally and privately, and while you are doing so, ask her how she would like you to word your public apology.

Then — if you're lucky — everyone involved might be able to forget the whole thing happened, but I doubt it.

Comments

[cereta]

There are so many things wrong with this, but the, "I'm ready to drop the whole incident and forget it ever happened, and see no need in continuing to refer back to it" is what tipped this from "wtf?" to "WTF??!?!?.

[recessional]

I have met this woman. More than once.

The sky is a FASCINATING colour on their personal world.

Good for the columnist.

[deird1]

WOW. What an appalling person.

[vass]

"I have, of course, dropped all charges against her and told her I made a mistake."

I notice her letter doesn't state that she said she was sorry. Even privately.

What you shouldn't do is to repeat the false accusation when you make your apology. (I am often surprised at how often political candidates, for example, repeat alleged falsehoods before refuting them.)

This one confuses me, though. I can sort of see the logic: it refreshes the association of "thief" and the niece's name in people's minds. But shouldn't an apology be concrete? And shouldn't a retraction be specific enough that there's no doubt in the hearers' minds what is being retracted and that the false statement was false?