agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I lost a son in 2014, and now both of my surviving sons don't want to have anything to do with me.

Sometimes I feel as if I have lost all three sons. I say that because the two living sons try to control me, always telling me how to do things.

My oldest lives in our house. He and his girlfriend refuse to help pay the mortgage and are now keeping the grandkids away from us. I refuse to fight with them both.

My husband and I decided to put the house up for sale. Why should we pay for them to live for free? Why should we end up homeless?

As for my other son, he's called me horrible names. He has told he that I should never have remarried. But it was OK for his dad to have remarried! I never brought different men to the house -- just my husband, to whom I have been married for 16 years.

My ex-husband has since passed away, which has been a blessing to me but not to my youngest son. I know he's struggling with his father's death and still with the death of his brother.

How do I cope with this abuse from my two living sons? The sad part is that they both keep my grandkids away from us, and that causes the most pain and suffering. -- Sad in California

Dear Sad in California: I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Remember, hurt people hurt people, and your sons are understandably in a lot of pain. First and foremost, acknowledge that they lost their father and brother and that it's very painful. Sometimes, when people are in pain, they are meanest to the people they love most -- people they know won't leave them, such as their mother. I am not justifying their behavior, just explaining a possible reason why they could be so cruel to you.

I would also look at the way you have treated them. Have you spoken to them with the respect and love that you demand they show toward you? When you say that the death of their father has been a blessing to you, if you are communicating that message to your sons, their resentment is understandable.

As far as living in your house, you have every right to ask them to leave, especially if they are being so disrespectful.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2642624

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Holes in this letter big enough to drive a truck through, but let's start at the top.

No matter what else is going on, you have a right not to have somebody living in your home. LW can and should, therefore, give her son a clear move-out date.

Otherwise... I don't even know, man. How are they "controlling" LW, what are they telling her to do? She doesn't say. Why should her son living in her home = her being homeless? She doesn't say. Why are both sons limiting her contact with their kids? She doesn't say, and they surely have a reason even if she doesn't like it. Why does her son think she should not have remarried, and what does her ex have to do with it? She doesn't say. What does literally any of this have to do with her other son who died 7+ years ago? I don't know!

Holes in the story, disjointed narrative, two kids who don't want her to have as much contact with the grandkids as she wants? I'm inclined to say she's more likely to be the one at fault here.

Edited 2022-03-14 01:45 (UTC)

I'm really glad you posted this because I saw it and immediately went, "this letter is holier than a pack of swiss cheese slices as well as most popes."

Why should her son living in her home = her being homeless? She doesn't say.

I'm guessing that covering her son's groceries/her son's share of the bills is the difference between her being able to make her mortgage payments and not...

eg that it costs her money she really can't afford to have him living with her.

That's possible - but it does seem like she'd say that she was also feeding him and paying his share of the bills etc. But all she says is that he's not helping with the mortgage.

My mother says the same thing, but conveniently forgets that she doesn't pay any of her utility bills, or buy her own groceries, or pay the copays at the doctor or drugstore.... I don't know for a fact that the everyday bills even out, but I know that it sounds terrible to say "they don't pay any of the mortgage!" and a lot less terrible to say "they pay 100% for all the routine bills EXCEPT the mortgage".

.... what.

This isn't a letter, it's a piece of dirty lace.

This. *snerk*

I was wondering if he was living in a house that she OWNS, but doesn’t live in?

(The way it’s phrased, I’m not sure that the LW and her husband live WITH the son/DIL/grandkids.)

But, yeah, this letter is full of holes and Missing Missing Reasons, and I suspect that the LW’s sons would have a LOT to add to the story.

Actually, it's more likely that he has renter's/squatter's rights, whether he's paying rent or not. If he and his wife have been living there for a certain time, the owner can't just kick them out, and would therefore instead have to be the ones to leave if they don't want to share a home with them anymore. Whether or not selling the house gets around this probably depends on the state. Real estate law is, well, like most law: weird.

you cope (whether you are the asshole or they are or its 'just' a personality clash) by disentangling your life and finances from them and then finding a social group that you mesh with (church? mosque? women's group? bookclub? photography society?) and stop assuming that your family are required to like you.

Before LW gives a move-out date, they need to consult a lawyer. There are steps that need to be taken for eviction (and yeah, this would count as an eviction), and if LW just tries to wave them aside and barrel through the process, the whole thing could end up taking way, way more time and legal costs than if they went about things by the rules, however weird those rules might be.

The non-eviction option for getting people with tenants/squatter's rights is doing everything possible to make it so miserable to live there, just shy of doing anything illegal, that they leave on their own.

This is otherwise known as "the asshole method".

Hermit tree hole...

Many movies have taught me that this is a good way to get myself arrested then attacked by my psychotic tenant, forcing me to kill them in self-defense. Which does, I suppose, solve the problem.

And tanks the property resale value according to Murder House Flip on the Roku channel

How has your current husband behaved towards them? Any fraught interactions?

What reasons or excuses have your sons given you for keeping your grandchildren away from you? Does your husband come into it at all?