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Dear Annie: I lost a son in 2014, and now both of my surviving sons don't want to have anything to do with me.
Sometimes I feel as if I have lost all three sons. I say that because the two living sons try to control me, always telling me how to do things.
My oldest lives in our house. He and his girlfriend refuse to help pay the mortgage and are now keeping the grandkids away from us. I refuse to fight with them both.
My husband and I decided to put the house up for sale. Why should we pay for them to live for free? Why should we end up homeless?
As for my other son, he's called me horrible names. He has told he that I should never have remarried. But it was OK for his dad to have remarried! I never brought different men to the house -- just my husband, to whom I have been married for 16 years.
My ex-husband has since passed away, which has been a blessing to me but not to my youngest son. I know he's struggling with his father's death and still with the death of his brother.
How do I cope with this abuse from my two living sons? The sad part is that they both keep my grandkids away from us, and that causes the most pain and suffering. -- Sad in California
Dear Sad in California: I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Remember, hurt people hurt people, and your sons are understandably in a lot of pain. First and foremost, acknowledge that they lost their father and brother and that it's very painful. Sometimes, when people are in pain, they are meanest to the people they love most -- people they know won't leave them, such as their mother. I am not justifying their behavior, just explaining a possible reason why they could be so cruel to you.
I would also look at the way you have treated them. Have you spoken to them with the respect and love that you demand they show toward you? When you say that the death of their father has been a blessing to you, if you are communicating that message to your sons, their resentment is understandable.
As far as living in your house, you have every right to ask them to leave, especially if they are being so disrespectful.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2642624
Sometimes I feel as if I have lost all three sons. I say that because the two living sons try to control me, always telling me how to do things.
My oldest lives in our house. He and his girlfriend refuse to help pay the mortgage and are now keeping the grandkids away from us. I refuse to fight with them both.
My husband and I decided to put the house up for sale. Why should we pay for them to live for free? Why should we end up homeless?
As for my other son, he's called me horrible names. He has told he that I should never have remarried. But it was OK for his dad to have remarried! I never brought different men to the house -- just my husband, to whom I have been married for 16 years.
My ex-husband has since passed away, which has been a blessing to me but not to my youngest son. I know he's struggling with his father's death and still with the death of his brother.
How do I cope with this abuse from my two living sons? The sad part is that they both keep my grandkids away from us, and that causes the most pain and suffering. -- Sad in California
Dear Sad in California: I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Remember, hurt people hurt people, and your sons are understandably in a lot of pain. First and foremost, acknowledge that they lost their father and brother and that it's very painful. Sometimes, when people are in pain, they are meanest to the people they love most -- people they know won't leave them, such as their mother. I am not justifying their behavior, just explaining a possible reason why they could be so cruel to you.
I would also look at the way you have treated them. Have you spoken to them with the respect and love that you demand they show toward you? When you say that the death of their father has been a blessing to you, if you are communicating that message to your sons, their resentment is understandable.
As far as living in your house, you have every right to ask them to leave, especially if they are being so disrespectful.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2642624