agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a neurodivergent mother of two children. My eldest daughter, 6, shows many traits that align with autism as it presents in girls. She showed traits of autism as early as 12 months. She is hypersensitive to pain, has gross motor difficulty and overwhelming sensory sensitivities, struggles with social interaction, is very literal, prefers being in charge and struggles with collaborative play, and has a hard time regulating emotions, among other issues. She is also brilliant, inquisitive, energetic, creative, and has an incredibly quick mind and strong sense of justice. She is doing and has done wonderfully in preschool, school, and at home in large part because we are intentional (and very lucky) in finding environments where her needs are accommodated and her gifts are seen and supported.

She’s just started first grade, and I am seeing—and she is talking about—masking (“I’m a different person at a school”), difficulty with social situations (she just sort of freezes up, skips recess a lot in favor of staying inside with her teacher), and I worry about an increased need for accommodations and social issues becoming more complicated. I feel like an official diagnosis would help us access resources and support and access accommodations as needed. It would also possibly give her a framework with which to understand her neurotype and access community. My husband refuses to consider having her assessed and feels that the possible stigma is too great a risk. He is also very dismissive of my experience, educational resources about autism and girls, and feels that she just needs to try harder, and that every girl has the traits detailed in the resources and research I’ve provided. I really don’t know what to do.

—Actually Autistic

Dear Actually,

You may not be able to change your husband’s opinion on this, but his opinion shouldn’t supersede your daughter’s potential long-term needs. Trust yourself on this. You’re acting on experience, observation, and instinct in wanting your daughter to be evaluated. It sounds like you’ve been patient in waiting as long as you have to start the assessment process.

There are a limited number of outcomes: Either your daughter will be on the autism disorder spectrum or she won’t. If she is, the earlier she receives the proper support and accommodations, the better. If not, your family will have a definitive answer here, and you can address her challenges at school differently. There’s no downside to asking for a diagnosis—except, perhaps, that your husband may continue to be unsupportive. Unfortunately, it seems like you may be dealing with that no matter the outcome here. I wish you and your daughter the best as you navigate this together.

—Stacia

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/03/son-wants-sibling-advice.html

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

In the US, barring a child from classes just because they have a diagnosis of disability is illegal. Very illegal.

Yet it happens all the time. They just find other ways of justifying it. Persuading the child to ask to do classes they don't want to because 'that will be easier for you'. Putting kids in lower capability classes and making statements that they can't focus on harder stuff. The system likes out its rear to attack disabled people. And sometimes if they diagnose you early enough then the system is rigged. You are never given a chance to prove you can do better so you slide down until by time high school hits you really are too far behind to break through without massive stress....and if we try that is turned around as proof we couldn't do it in the first place. The whole thing is toxic and it happens worldwide.

But without a formal diagnosis you have no recourse if they do this to you.

Those with a diagnosis don't find it helps in this situation. The world is built against autistics sadly.

I disagree. As an autistic individual, I find that good legal help always helps in this situation.

Well that (legal aid) is a discussion of privilege that is a whole other kettle of fish. But we're not going to agree here so I'll just leave it there.

Well, you're right that we're not likely to agree given that my advice is based on the real world experience of people with diagnoses who are in the school system today, and yours is based on your belief about what would have happened to you over a decade ago.

It happened to my friends. My community discuss this sort of thing often. It happened in my school while I was there to another student. I am in a different country but not all my friends went to school here. And it happened to them. Many of them are still dealing with the trauma of it. But frankly I don't like the way you are speaking to me now so if I see you've tried to continue the conversation I will not read the comments.