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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a neurodivergent mother of two children. My eldest daughter, 6, shows many traits that align with autism as it presents in girls. She showed traits of autism as early as 12 months. She is hypersensitive to pain, has gross motor difficulty and overwhelming sensory sensitivities, struggles with social interaction, is very literal, prefers being in charge and struggles with collaborative play, and has a hard time regulating emotions, among other issues. She is also brilliant, inquisitive, energetic, creative, and has an incredibly quick mind and strong sense of justice. She is doing and has done wonderfully in preschool, school, and at home in large part because we are intentional (and very lucky) in finding environments where her needs are accommodated and her gifts are seen and supported.
She’s just started first grade, and I am seeing—and she is talking about—masking (“I’m a different person at a school”), difficulty with social situations (she just sort of freezes up, skips recess a lot in favor of staying inside with her teacher), and I worry about an increased need for accommodations and social issues becoming more complicated. I feel like an official diagnosis would help us access resources and support and access accommodations as needed. It would also possibly give her a framework with which to understand her neurotype and access community. My husband refuses to consider having her assessed and feels that the possible stigma is too great a risk. He is also very dismissive of my experience, educational resources about autism and girls, and feels that she just needs to try harder, and that every girl has the traits detailed in the resources and research I’ve provided. I really don’t know what to do.
—Actually Autistic
Dear Actually,
You may not be able to change your husband’s opinion on this, but his opinion shouldn’t supersede your daughter’s potential long-term needs. Trust yourself on this. You’re acting on experience, observation, and instinct in wanting your daughter to be evaluated. It sounds like you’ve been patient in waiting as long as you have to start the assessment process.
There are a limited number of outcomes: Either your daughter will be on the autism disorder spectrum or she won’t. If she is, the earlier she receives the proper support and accommodations, the better. If not, your family will have a definitive answer here, and you can address her challenges at school differently. There’s no downside to asking for a diagnosis—except, perhaps, that your husband may continue to be unsupportive. Unfortunately, it seems like you may be dealing with that no matter the outcome here. I wish you and your daughter the best as you navigate this together.
—Stacia
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/03/son-wants-sibling-advice.html
I am a neurodivergent mother of two children. My eldest daughter, 6, shows many traits that align with autism as it presents in girls. She showed traits of autism as early as 12 months. She is hypersensitive to pain, has gross motor difficulty and overwhelming sensory sensitivities, struggles with social interaction, is very literal, prefers being in charge and struggles with collaborative play, and has a hard time regulating emotions, among other issues. She is also brilliant, inquisitive, energetic, creative, and has an incredibly quick mind and strong sense of justice. She is doing and has done wonderfully in preschool, school, and at home in large part because we are intentional (and very lucky) in finding environments where her needs are accommodated and her gifts are seen and supported.
She’s just started first grade, and I am seeing—and she is talking about—masking (“I’m a different person at a school”), difficulty with social situations (she just sort of freezes up, skips recess a lot in favor of staying inside with her teacher), and I worry about an increased need for accommodations and social issues becoming more complicated. I feel like an official diagnosis would help us access resources and support and access accommodations as needed. It would also possibly give her a framework with which to understand her neurotype and access community. My husband refuses to consider having her assessed and feels that the possible stigma is too great a risk. He is also very dismissive of my experience, educational resources about autism and girls, and feels that she just needs to try harder, and that every girl has the traits detailed in the resources and research I’ve provided. I really don’t know what to do.
—Actually Autistic
Dear Actually,
You may not be able to change your husband’s opinion on this, but his opinion shouldn’t supersede your daughter’s potential long-term needs. Trust yourself on this. You’re acting on experience, observation, and instinct in wanting your daughter to be evaluated. It sounds like you’ve been patient in waiting as long as you have to start the assessment process.
There are a limited number of outcomes: Either your daughter will be on the autism disorder spectrum or she won’t. If she is, the earlier she receives the proper support and accommodations, the better. If not, your family will have a definitive answer here, and you can address her challenges at school differently. There’s no downside to asking for a diagnosis—except, perhaps, that your husband may continue to be unsupportive. Unfortunately, it seems like you may be dealing with that no matter the outcome here. I wish you and your daughter the best as you navigate this together.
—Stacia
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/03/son-wants-sibling-advice.html
no subject
It's bad enough being dismissive about their partner's opinions and concerns in general, but when they're informed by personal experience and he's thus dismissing her entire experience and judgment and like... external knowledge with sources that's a whole body of science and shit that she knows about and he doesn't! ????? I can't believe the response didn't address this. I have a hard time understanding how she got to the point of having a kid this age with him.