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DEAR HARRIETTE: My grown daughter keeps bringing up the fact that I wasn’t in her life as a child. This is really frustrating to me because I’m here now, and when I wasn’t there, my parents were. I went off to college when she was born, and the one time I tried to get her as a baby, her mother wouldn’t allow it, so I left things alone and let my parents be involved. I’ve built a great life for myself now, so why can’t she just appreciate the present day? -- Get Over It
DEAR GET OVER IT: Children cannot process why their parents are absent. All they really know is whether they are around or not. You cannot expect her to erase her memories of her formative years because you have shown up now. You are going to have to be patient and be present.
Start by talking to her. Apologize for not being around when she was young. Admit that you were young when she was born, and you made the choice to pursue your education rather than to stay with her. It’s a hard reality, but you need to say it. Think about that time. What else can you tell her that shows your truth without being more hurtful than helpful? Over time, you should share your story with her so she gets to know how you grew to be the person you are today.
Be consistently present in your daughter’s life now. Reach out to her regularly. Invite her to spend time with you. Be more of an observer, especially as you build your bond. The last thing she will want is for you to swoop in and start telling her what to do. Be a good listener. Pay attention to her and identify ways that you can be supportive. Ask before you jump in and offer help.
Continue to let her know that you are sorry you weren’t there for her. Tell her you thought she was OK because her mother and your parents were with her. Acknowledge that now you realize that wasn’t enough.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2022/03/02
DEAR GET OVER IT: Children cannot process why their parents are absent. All they really know is whether they are around or not. You cannot expect her to erase her memories of her formative years because you have shown up now. You are going to have to be patient and be present.
Start by talking to her. Apologize for not being around when she was young. Admit that you were young when she was born, and you made the choice to pursue your education rather than to stay with her. It’s a hard reality, but you need to say it. Think about that time. What else can you tell her that shows your truth without being more hurtful than helpful? Over time, you should share your story with her so she gets to know how you grew to be the person you are today.
Be consistently present in your daughter’s life now. Reach out to her regularly. Invite her to spend time with you. Be more of an observer, especially as you build your bond. The last thing she will want is for you to swoop in and start telling her what to do. Be a good listener. Pay attention to her and identify ways that you can be supportive. Ask before you jump in and offer help.
Continue to let her know that you are sorry you weren’t there for her. Tell her you thought she was OK because her mother and your parents were with her. Acknowledge that now you realize that wasn’t enough.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2022/03/02
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Also if your parents were in her life that whole time, what, did you actively avoid your parents whenever they had the kid over?
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