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agonyaunt2022-03-06 08:43 am
green_grrl) wrote in agonyaunt2022-03-06 08:43 am
Ask Amy: I want to invite my family over, but my sister and sister-in-law hate each other
Dear Amy: For many years I have invited my brother “Steve” and sister “Wendy” and their spouses to celebrate Easter with us.
It has always been a lovely day despite the fact that Wendy and our sister-in-law (Steve's wife, “Cynthia”) don't get along.
Frankly, Cynthia is a very difficult person and has made Steve's life miserable much of the time, but they've been married more than 50 years and she's not going anywhere.
Problems reached the breaking point recently, and Wendy had had enough. She sent Cynthia a nasty text telling her off and saying she hoped never to see her (expletive) face again.
I know that if I invite Steve and Cynthia this year, Wendy won’t come, and even though I’d rather have Wendy, I can’t exclude my brother Steve. Any advice?
— Devastated
Devastated: Invite everyone. No matter the provocation, your sister “Wendy” is at fault for sending an offensive text, which includes an absolute. Her choice to do this is not your fault or your responsibility, and when she did this, she should have considered the fact that “Cynthia” is a member of the family and — as you say — “is not going anywhere.”
Let Wendy know that you are inviting everyone, as you always do.
And if Wendy wants to join your party at Easter, she needs to figure out how she can see Cynthia’s (expletive) face.
The Easter holiday is meant to celebrate rebirth, resurrection, and the promise of spring. I hope your sister Wendy takes this opportunity to apologize to Cynthia for her abominable and offensive choice.
It has always been a lovely day despite the fact that Wendy and our sister-in-law (Steve's wife, “Cynthia”) don't get along.
Frankly, Cynthia is a very difficult person and has made Steve's life miserable much of the time, but they've been married more than 50 years and she's not going anywhere.
Problems reached the breaking point recently, and Wendy had had enough. She sent Cynthia a nasty text telling her off and saying she hoped never to see her (expletive) face again.
I know that if I invite Steve and Cynthia this year, Wendy won’t come, and even though I’d rather have Wendy, I can’t exclude my brother Steve. Any advice?
— Devastated
Devastated: Invite everyone. No matter the provocation, your sister “Wendy” is at fault for sending an offensive text, which includes an absolute. Her choice to do this is not your fault or your responsibility, and when she did this, she should have considered the fact that “Cynthia” is a member of the family and — as you say — “is not going anywhere.”
Let Wendy know that you are inviting everyone, as you always do.
And if Wendy wants to join your party at Easter, she needs to figure out how she can see Cynthia’s (expletive) face.
The Easter holiday is meant to celebrate rebirth, resurrection, and the promise of spring. I hope your sister Wendy takes this opportunity to apologize to Cynthia for her abominable and offensive choice.
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LW obviously wants to hang with Wendy, and maybe with Steve if she doesn’t have to watch him be a doormat. So LW, go do it. Start a new “going out to brunch with sis” tradition if you want.
ETA: Wendy, if Cynthia is an (expletive), don’t you apologize. Maybe apologize to your brother that you can’t see him while she’s there.
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Also, is this Easter gathering a large family/friends gathering that lots of people are invited to, or is it just LW's household, Wendy, and Steve & Cynthia?
If it's a large gathering, and if Cynthia's behaviors don't meet LW's cut-off-contact bar, invite both, make it clear that both are invited, and let them sort out for themselves. But LW might want to think further about whether Cynthia has hit the cutoff bar or not.
But if it's just the three siblings and their families, yeah, it may be time to change the tradition to either a siblings-only get-together or separate Steve/Cynthia and Wendy get-together.
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Yeah, this is a possibility, too. Maybe Cynthia’s “difficult” personality is that she’s always “preaching wokeness” at them.
But it sounds like the siblings come from a common pov, although Steve has decided to stay married and miserable. These two groups of people aren’t compatible. Steve can choose his own misery, but his sisters aren’t obligated to share it.
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What it sounds like OP is really saying is "I've never wanted Cynthia around and I can't even see what my brother sees in her, do I have a good excuse to finally not invite her without pissing him off?"
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And maybe, yeah, have a no-spouses-invited get-together some other time (Easter Monday brunch?)
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If LW were one of my friends venting about this situation, one thing I'd ask is whether either Cynthia or Wendy had had any other behavior changes recently that might warrant them getting evaluated for the onset of dementia (or other issues that can look similar). I am absolutely *not* saying that hitting the breaking point with someone or becoming too annoying to be tolerated is a sign of dementia. If Cynthia or Wendy is otherwise acting like they always have, all the new stressors of the past few years are likely what pushed things to this point after 50 years of tolerance. But if there's a larger pattern of behavior change in someone of this age, that may be worth getting checked out.
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