agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My son just withdrew from college with a medical leave due to anxiety and depression. My husband and I support him fully and are helping him receive the help he needs. Of course, we are very concerned.

The problem is my mother. When I was young and had similar problems, she told me: “It’s a sin for someone who has as much going for her as you do to be depressed.” (This was especially strange since she’s not religious.) She has been similarly dismissive of my feelings during other bouts of depression.

She is generous with money, gifts, cooking, etc., but she cannot understand that being close with someone has more to do with emotional trust than simply time spent together.

I don’t know how to handle this current situation with my son. She wants to be involved, but I have a strong aversion to her being around because I don’t know what she’ll say.

I need to protect my son and myself, but I know she’ll feel hurt if I leave her out. What should I do?

DEAR ADVOCATE: Your mother’s feelings should not be a priority right now. I’m recommending you “Grandma-proof” your son to the extent you can, by explaining to him that “Nana” has some old-fashioned, outdated ideas about depression, an illness that can run in families and appears to run in yours.

There are far more effective interventions for him now than were available for you back then. Medications and sometimes talk therapy can put him in a more positive frame of mind, and I’m glad you can help him get the professional help he needs.

https://www.mercurynews.com/2022/03/04/dear-abby-i-want-to-have-my-arm-cut-off-what-do-i-tell-my-family/

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

LW needs their own therapy, and if Mom doesn't like it, so what? It doesn't sound like she cares too much about LW's feelings, or if she does she's sure got a crappy way of showing it.

If she insists on dumping her hurt feelings all over LW during this time, I have a handy phrase: "This all sounds very interesting, Mom, but I can't help you with that. You should bring it up with your therapist."

Please for the love of fuck, LW, run interference between your precious kid and Grandma. Definitely vaccinate him with the concept that Grandma has been shitty about depression in the past and will probably continue that into the future, but also consider the power of protection that a parent can summon. As you may recall, a depressed brain can amplify an off-base criticism into the kind of knife in your back you recall decades later. If setting boundaries with Grandma will make her have feelings, you can draw them upon yourself. Then at least she won't be having them all over your son, who is going to be especially sensitive to random shitty comments while his depression will try to amplify them into lifelong trauma instead of the shitty meanderings of an out-of-touch busybody.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to give her harmless tasks. If she can occupy herself with something she can only do away from your son, she can comfort herself that she's contributing. Maybe a fiber arts project to cheer him up? Sending over casseroles? Taking home laundry to wash it? Anything that would relieve you to put into her hands so you can focus on your son.

Edited 2022-03-05 06:03 (UTC)

Ugh. Yes. I'm having an emotional reaction to this letter. I can't believe LW would consider letting the parent say something like this to the kid after experiencing it herself! I suppose it's possible her experience with her mom wasn't quite as traumatic as I'm imagining on the basis of my experience...

It may be possible but I can't imagine it either, yeah.

I wonder if their entire upbringing was sufficiently bad of the sort that they may not realize exactly how "hell no" this is, nor that it's not their job to manage Mom's emotions for her, nor that they're allowed to set rules and boundaries and even deny contact altogether if Mom won't play along.

Yeah, that's another more daunting prospect. Then best case scenario is that they're at the beginning of a long and unpleasant journey. In that case at least the strength of the impulse to insulate the kid from her is a good sign.