Dear Abby: My icon has never been more appropriate

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for eight years, but married only a few months. It took him a long time to finally marry me, and it ended up that I was the one to propose.

I am 30 and he's 39. I know he loves me. I have always expressed that I want children and he did, too. I have been off birth control and keeping track of my cycle, but now he doesn't want to make love. When I try to get him in the mood, he always finds an excuse. I told him he has had plenty of time to let me know if he doesn't want children.

I love him more than anything, but I do not want to miss out on being a parent. This is a deal-breaker. I am getting older and I don't know what to do. -- FUTURE MOMMY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FUTURE MOMMY: Settle this now by asking your husband directly why he is either unwilling or unable to perform in the bedroom. You are entitled to an explanation, because he may be having second thoughts not only about starting a family, but also the marriage. If he has changed his mind about having children, talk to a lawyer because you may be able to get an annulment.

Comments

[cereta]

Kind of curious to see others' take on this.

Personally, I really hope for the LW's sake that it's something else, but overall, I don't see anything in this letter that bodes well for the marriage, let alone for future kids. I think Abby's advice is good as far as the information takes it.

[recessional]

Pretty much.

I mean it is possible it's something else that's out of left field? Gods know stranger things have happened. (Especially when things like male infertility/impotence/etc are involved.) But the implications are pretty strong that this guy doesn't want kids but doesn't want to say it for some reason, and maybe even didn't actually want the marriage (or the relationship?) but again is too conflict-averse or something to say it. So the implications need to be resolved.

And if that is so, I hope she CAN get an annulment because man they are less exhausting than divorces.

[rymenhild]

He's not that into you or your children. Get out now.

[eleanorjane]

Yeah, wow, this ... is not covered in good vibes.

When they got together, she was 22 and he was 31. That's certainly no reason to assume doom, but nothing in this letter gives me much hope for the relationship. It really sounds like she's railroaded him into what she wants, and he's been too conflict-averse to offer a dissenting POV until now when it's too late.

[xenacryst]

Agree with most of the above, with the added possibility that he's not so much against kids as just completely scared of the possibility now that it's closer to a reality, so is trying to avoid it at all costs (he did, at some earlier point say he wanted kids, it seems). That's something that could maybe be overcome. OTOH, it does somewhat read like she's the strong arm in this pairing, so if it is overcome, at what cost (his, the relationship's, the future kids')?

Failure to communicate, indeed.

[shreena]

I had the same reaction to everyone else but then I thought about an acquaintance of mine. It took years and years before they got married, I think 7 or so, which was particularly strange given that they were both evangelical Christians who were abstaining before marriage - virtually all of their immediate social circle were v Christian and got married a lot faster - he asked her father's permission (I know, I know) and even then took several months to propose (her parents tell this as a "funny story" where they thought he'd got cold feet...). I honestly thought (though clearly I kept this to myself) that he was gay or just not that into her. But they did get married. And then they took another 4-5 years before they had their first child and, again, I started to wonder a bit... but they now have two children and they seem very happy.

In retrospect, I think he was just on the slow train and took a while to be sure of what he wanted.