Ask Amy: once again I am certain the races and nationalities involved are germane to this letter

[lemonsharks]

Dear Amy: I recently became engaged. My fiancé is originally from another country, and his family still lives there.

Because of COVID-19 restrictions and the visa process, most of his relatives are unable to travel to the U.S. for a wedding, so we decided to host (and pay for) a small U.S. ceremony and then have a big wedding in his home country (where costs are much lower).

My parents have stated that they will not travel, even though they take trips elsewhere. We are deeply hurt and disappointed by this. My fiancé is especially hurt, because this may be their only opportunity to meet his family.

Initially, we wanted to include our families in the planning, but my parents have argued every step of the way.

I called my mother to invite her to look at a venue; it ended with her insulting me and then hanging up on me. My fiancé and I looked at the venue, loved it, and booked it on the spot. My mother was then devastated that she was not included.

We also told my parents that we would not be able to include some of their friends on our guest list, but that they were welcome to invite these friends if they covered the cost. (I have not seen most of these people in several years, and none have met my fiancé.) Both of my parents called me several times during my workday and sent me multiple harsh emails.

My parents have complained about the situation to other family members, who have told us that we are wrong for “ruining their day.”

We’re at the point where we are considering canceling our wedding in the U.S.

Are we wrong? Aside from continuing to enforce boundaries, how do we handle “Momzilla”?

– Bride-to-Be in CT

Dear Bride-to-Be: You are trying to set and enforce boundaries, but so far, you seem to be closing the gate after your folks have already scaled the wall.

You are paying for this entire affair. You and your fiancé are the hosts. Your folks should be treated as honored guests: invited, given appropriate seating and roles during the ceremony and reception, but no control over your plans, because they are demonstrating that they can’t handle being included.

You should not welcome them to invite people to your wedding and reception whom you have no desire to see.

I think you should take a deep breath and make a real choice about what you want to do next – not reacting out of this moment’s anger, but with a wider view concerning what you are doing, and why, and how you want to look back on all of it.

You might consider switching the order of these ceremonies – if possible, having your foreign nuptials first, followed by another blessing and small reception at a later date in the States.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

I'm pretty sure LE's parents are racist and/or xenophobic.

Also WTF parents who think they get to invite their own coterie to their children's wedding that they are not paying for??

[minoanmiss]

*agrees grimly with the subject line*

[lemonsharks]

I want to shake the LW and tell her to not inflict her family on her fiance's family

[angelofthenorth]

I'm wondering if involving the parents is a cultural thing as well. That she did it because she was encouraged to by her fiancé

[ayebydan]

My first thought was this. Racist to the hilt.

[lemonsharks]

I doubt it. Parents taking over is common across the board, including in WASPy American culture. I think whatever shenanigans LW's parents are up to is completely their own doing.

[castiron]

other family members, who have told us that we are wrong for “ruining their day”

Um, I'm pretty sure the wedding is the couple's day, not the parents'. Especially when the couple is paying for things.

[xenacryst]

Elope. Leave the country, have the big wedding with your new family, somehow get "stranded" abroad indefinitely, find a charming place to settle in at, and somehow forget to make it back home, like, ever. Your parents and their entire extended family are toxic shitbags, sorry.

[conuly]

LW needs to start distancing themself from Mom and Dad. Because these problems did not really start with the engagement* and they're not going to end there either.

* Though I agree that it's a near certainty that racism (or related -isms like Islamophobia) is involved in their reaction.

[resonant]

Yes, and this couple definitely need to have a shared parent management plan before any kids are born.

I did think the advice was pretty good and took the correct "your parents are the problem" tone.

[purlewe]

BEST. ANSWER.

[cimorene]

Agreed. And really, even though the parents are probably racist, the situation is relatively simple in that they're trying to interfere and make it about them and they don't get to, which they have in common with other asshole parents.

[jadelennox]

Also WTF parents who think they get to invite their own coterie to their children's wedding that they are not paying for??

sadly this is very common.

[lemonsharks]

This year I hope many people are blessed with a big ol portion of do not give a fuck about their family/parents' feelings.

[jerusha]

There may be some class issues at play. I had a couple of classmates who were engaged, and were planning a wedding. Both (but one more so than the other) came from old money/power in that community. They viewed their kids' weddings as an opportunity to show off, and it wasn't about the bride and groom at all. Would not surprise me at all if that's what's going on here, even if race isn't a factor. (Although it most likely is.)