agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old son is in jail for meth. He's been an addict for many years. I tried several times to help him, but he always relapsed. He has been in rehab. His mother and I divorced when he was 7. He was a great kid until the divorce. After that, he became distant and wouldn't talk much to me.

His mother tried to make up for the divorce by doing everything for him. When I wanted him to do something, like his homework, he would just sit and stare. I couldn't punish him because I was afraid he wouldn't want to come to my place when it was my weekend to have him. I did things with him and tried to show him I loved him, but I think he blamed me for the divorce. (It was my wife who wanted it.)

I don't think he ever loved me like a son normally loves his father, the way I loved and respected mine. He rejected any advice I tried to offer and paid no attention when I tried to teach him something.

I'm trying to decide if I want to contact him. I feel like I have always had to do the heavy lifting to try to have a relationship with him, and he made no effort at all to sustain one with me. If I never heard from him again, I really wouldn't miss him. All he has ever been is a taker. So I'm asking: Should I bother trying to get in contact with him while he is in jail? -- FRUSTRATED FATHER IN TEXAS

DEAR FATHER: Your son is sick -- an addict. That he is in jail will hopefully mean he can attain sobriety. Reach out to him one more time. He may believe you deserted him and his mother because she allowed him to believe it, which would explain his attitude toward you all these years. It might be of some benefit to him to be reminded that you love him and care about his well-being. Once he is clean, he may have a different attitude where you are concerned. If not, at least you tried.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/01/27

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I think I hate this LW.

1. I'm not sure "addict" is the preferred term here. I don't know the preferred term, but I get the impression that LW doesn't care, and as this is his son, I think he ought to.

2. The divorce apparently is 100% not LW's fault.

3. LW's only approach to a child who "he would just sit and stare" when asked to do homework, something which sounds other than normal childhood misbehavior and possibly requires a therapist or, idk, an evaluation by a neuropsych, is "punishment". But he didn't even do that! He did nothing!

4. I don't think he ever loved me like a son normally loves his father, the way I loved and respected mine.

Yes, blame the child for not adequately respecting you, which is one of those weird red flag words when people talk about the parent-child relationship. Notice, too, that if his son doesn't love him this, like the divorce, is definitely not LW's fault.

5. Should I bother trying to get in contact with him while he is in jail?

Well, contact with family and friends helps reduce the recidivism rate. But LW, if you don't want to, you don't have to. You don't need Abby's permission or anybody else's.

Look, seriously, I get that having a family member with a severe mental illness, including addiction, is hard. I get that it may be necessary to reduce or eliminate contact for your own well-being. And yes, it's entirely possible that LW's son's addiction has absolutely nothing to do with him and that he really has done all a reasonable person would expect to help his son recover.

But everything about this letter rubs me the wrong way. I hope I'm reading it entirely wrong and misjudging him for no reason.

idk I feel writing your kid off at age seven is definitely a red flag. It's possible the LW is just really phrasing things badly but he doesn't make himself look good even though he's trying to make himself look good...

I'm very generously assuming that he didn't literally write his kid off at age 7 but can't express himself clearly.

I'm getting "wife did some parental alienation" vibes, not "LW wrote his son off at age 7" vibes.

That is pretty much all I'm going to say because my own history installed an instant berserker button around people suffering from substance use disorders (preferred term)/addicts (derogatory).

You're not reading it wrong. Of all the Missing Reasons letters we get, this one comes closest to actually stating them. I don't even get the sense that he wants to have a relationship with his son for anything other than trophy reasons.

If LW doesn't really feel the care for his son, then I wouldn't advise him to make contact. Mostly because I don't see the value in someone reaching out from a position of "it's my duty", particularly if the relationship isn't there and has never been there.

look bro, if that's your opinion of the guy, I doubt contact from you is going to help him feel any more worthwhile than he already currently feels. Do him a favor and fuck all the way off.

This is such a profoundly childish letter.

I think having a relationship with someone who has a serious drug problem requires *more* than average maturity, and this father apparently has less, so I can't imagine that more contact would benefit either him or his son, but he should probably go to a therapist and say, "I'm having some feelings about my son and I need help learning to feel them and maybe even to talk about them."

Edited (typo) 2022-02-02 14:36 (UTC)

Of all the awful things about this letter, this one struck me hardest:

I feel like I have always had to do the heavy lifting to try to have a relationship with him, and he made no effort at all to sustain one with me.

Like, I can get that sentiment when an offspring is an adult, but I get a very strong feeling that LW has felt this way since his son was a child, in which case, DUDE. You are the PARENT. You are SUPPOSED to do the "heavy lifting," especially when circumstances are not-ideal in a way that is entirely beyond the kid's control.

I'm so sad for this LW's son.

LW should not contact him.

Among everything else, let's just unpack this:
I think he blamed me for the divorce. (It was my wife who wanted it.)

So LW isn't to blame for the divorce because the wife wanted the divorce ... WHY did the ex-wife want the divorce, hmmm?

LW maybe your ex wanted a divorce (and the kid blamed you) because your awful behaivour warranted the divorce?

I like that every one of us has pulled a different "worst line" out of this letter. Mine is "If I never heard from him again, I really wouldn't miss him."

I can't imagine a parent who loves their kid saying this.

LW, don't contact your son if he's not trying to contact you.

Leave your kid alone, he deserves better.