agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: In 2019, after a five-year-long process to make up his mind, my son married a young woman who is the only child of an Indian couple whose own marriage was arranged.

Our daughter-in-law has not embraced our family and doesn’t seem interested in interacting with us.

This past Christmas, she mostly kept to herself, doing things on her computer, playing with her dog, or just staying in the guest bedroom while my son hung out with us.

We are a very warm family. Our son and daughter participate, while my daughter-in-law doesn’t help in the kitchen at all, avoids hugs, and goes to her bedroom after dinner without a word.

She has no social graces and her behavior, especially toward me, has always been extremely cold and distant.

I am trying not to take it too personally because she is like this with most people of our generation, including in her own family.

She doesn’t have a very good relationship with her own mother, and they clashed a lot when organizing the wedding.

The day before they were supposed to return home, my cup was full and some steam escaped in the form of harsh words to my son about her, which she overheard.

Since then, I have written a long email to my son to apologize for my ugly words against the woman he loves.

I also intend to apologize to her after I have been reassured that she will accept my apology. I intend to mention that I do not understand her coldness and hostility toward us.

So far, my son has not replied; it’s been a week.

Any advice on how to reconnect with them?

Dear Upset: You should not wait for assurance that your apology will be accepted before offering one. Nor should you double down and place any blame on the person you’ve offended.

You should call your son and speak with him about this. Ask him to pass the phone to his wife. Your apology should be direct and sincere: “I am so sorry you overheard my harshness at Christmastime. I’ve been searching for ways to be closer to you, and this is definitely not the way to go about it. I’m very embarrassed and feel absolutely terrible about this. I hope you can forgive me.”

If you are unable to do this by phone, you should write directly to her.

https://www.denverpost.com/2022/01/24/ask-amy-mother-in-laws-rant-requires-apology

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Let's just get this straight. LW here says she 1. made a nasty comment about her DIL, a guest in her home, where the woman apparently could hear it 2. is not willing to apologize directly to her DIL until and unless her son first reassures here that the apology will be accepted and 3. thinks that an apology is the correct time and place to ask why DIL doesn't like her.

And she thinks it's DIL who lacks social graces!

I can think of a few reasons why DIL might not like LW, but even if I'm wrong - sometimes people don't like other people. It happens. Choosing to spend time in the guest room instead of washing dishes with the fam after some forced hugs is not "cold" or "hostile". It's a compromise, something you do when you didn't want to be there in the first place.

If watching Star Trek and reading Pride & Prejudice taught me anything it's that many people are only shy when those around them take it for snobbery or unfriendliness.

But never mind that. If this is what LW thinks is presenting herself sympathetically, (starting with an othering description of DIL's background), I don't think I'd want to spend time with her either.

There is some very odd phrasing in this letter.

TBH, given how LW is presented, I don't think I'd want to hang out with them either.

Before reading the answer: Wow, what a crock of shit. "I'll only apologize if I know she'll make nice with me."

After: Huh, Amy fails to suck again. Weird.

A few curious questions:

1. So...the DIL's distance from the family (presumably she was the same during the five year long courtship) was acceptable while she was just 'the girl that Son was seeing' and has only now become unacceptable since she's married into the family?

2. An apology is only worth giving if it's accepted?

3. What, exactly, has her family background got to do with the price of eggs in this story? You mention it, but it holds no apparent relevance to the story or DIL's distance that I can determine.

Edited 2022-01-25 04:16 (UTC)

What, exactly, has her family background got to do with the price of eggs in this story?

These and other questions will never be answered, but I think we can all take a guess.

Especially agree with #3! It seems like (a) LW is trying to frame this as spillover from DIL not having "a very good relationship with her own mother," which it is emphatically not, plus (b) potentially a nasty dose of she's just not "our sort of people" based on ethnicity/cultural background.

With LW's padding removed, it really boils down to: "Someone overheard me saying something nasty about her to someone else. What should I do?" and I am very pleased by Amy cutting through the excess to tell LW simply and directly to apologize, without addressing DIL's actions, behavior, or background at all.

"A five-year long process to make up his mind" is such a weird way to say "They dated for a fairly standard length of time and then got married."

When letter writers know they need to be concise, it's so funny how they include these weird little details that tell all their secrets. "My son wasted five years of his life on this girl who's not even white. I was all ready to teach her how proper families love each other, since obviously her parents don't know, but the way she insists on being different from me naturally pissed me off so much that I couldn't behave in a civil fashion."

LW, if you don't apologize immediately and unreservedly, your DIL may give you the gift of never seeing her again. (It may also come with the ... er ... "gift" ...? of never seeing your son again, so plan accordingly.)

“My cup was full and some steam escaped” may be the MOST passive-voiced, accountability-dodging way of saying “I chose to say something nasty” that I have ever encountered.

I, too, would be shut in the guest room, if I had the misfortune of acquiring a MIL like this.

And, yep, racism/othering is definitely part of the problem!

Amy, go to hell. “I am so sorry you overheard my harshness at Christmastime." is not an apology. "I was way out of line, my words were unacceptable, it's not okay that I thought them, said them to your husband, or said them in your hearing" is an apology.

Here's some missing reasons in the letter:

the only child of an Indian couple whose own marriage was arranged.

since this has zero relevance to the letter, what do you bet she said some racist shit?

Our son and daughter participate, while my daughter-in-law doesn’t help in the kitchen at all,

what do you bet this is an "all women help in the kitchen" culture?

avoids hugs

for fuck's sake not everyone likes touching and there's a global fucking pandemic on, you utter gobshite.