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Two letters about racism within families
1. Dear Annie: I am in an interracial relationship and am a stepparent to a 7-year-old daughter. When COVID-19 came, my mother-in-law was without a job and in between places. We have only two bedrooms, one for us and one for my stepdaughter.
My mother-in-law had no place to go, so we offered her our couch. My husband, who was taking care of her financially, asked if it was OK for her to stay for a couple of weeks. Of course, that was no issue at all.
A couple of weeks turned into months. She constantly berated both of our parenting and undermined us all the time. Things came to a head, and my husband could not handle her being here with us. It turned into a very heated argument that led to the police forcing her to leave.
During the argument, I was scratched in the face. While she was removing things from the home, she called me every racist name in the book and left me feeling like I was no good. I have done nothing but help this woman. I even tried to help her find a job.
My husband has had no contact with her since. My concern is that there is a 7-year-old grandchild involved. My mother-in-law has not apologized to me, nor do I have any contact with her. I want to forgive her, but my heart will not let me. I don't want my stepdaughter to miss out on her grandma, but the things she said were so hurtful. Is there any way to move past this knowing what her true feelings are? -- Not So Black and White
Dear Not So Black and White: I commend you for putting your stepdaughter first after such an attack.
Often, people with such bigotries are not malicious but ignorant, uneducated and small-minded. This is not an excuse. It merely shows that there is hope for her to change.
I would discuss the subject in-depth with your husband and come up with some clear, firm boundaries to present to his mother -- the first being that hatred, racism and violence are not welcome in your home. You will do your stepdaughter no favors by exposing her to those views.
After your mother-in-law goes through therapy to address her violent, hateful outbursts -- assuming that she does -- you can discuss baby steps for bringing her back into your family's life.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2612367
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2. I’m a white mom with two young kids, and a few months ago I made a new friend with a mom whose son plays on the same basketball team with my son. She’s also white, but she’s married to a Black man. She invited my son and me to her house over the holidays and I noticed some disturbing behavior from her. At one point when we were alone she said, “I’ll be damned if my son grows up to be like one of those illiterate gangster monkeys in the city.” I was floored, but didn’t respond. I told my white husband when I got home and he shrugged it off by saying she can’t possibly be racist because she has a Black husband and a half-Black kid. That’s probably true, but the bigger issue is I don’t want her to ever say things like that around my son or me. How should I deal with this in the future?
—Awkward New Friend
Dear Awkward,
Hold up—you said it’s “probably true” that a white person can’t be racist because she has a Black husband and a half-Black kid. That’s not true. Trust me, this is way more common than you may believe, and I see it often in my line of work.
The problem here is your unwillingness to say anything. Time’s up on racists in 2022, and we need to call them out at every single opportunity. Since this happened relatively recently, you should bring it up by saying, “Hey, remember the monkey comment you said to me at your house? The fact that you’re married to a Black man or have a half-Black son doesn’t give you the right to say racist things around my son or me.” You can’t pussyfoot your way around this conversation—be blunt, firm, and unapologetic.
If she apologizes, that’s great, and you can move on. If she pushes back, then basically she’s saying she’s choosing her racism over your friendship. Would you want someone like that as a friend? I wouldn’t.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/01/anger-management-parenting-advice.html
My mother-in-law had no place to go, so we offered her our couch. My husband, who was taking care of her financially, asked if it was OK for her to stay for a couple of weeks. Of course, that was no issue at all.
A couple of weeks turned into months. She constantly berated both of our parenting and undermined us all the time. Things came to a head, and my husband could not handle her being here with us. It turned into a very heated argument that led to the police forcing her to leave.
During the argument, I was scratched in the face. While she was removing things from the home, she called me every racist name in the book and left me feeling like I was no good. I have done nothing but help this woman. I even tried to help her find a job.
My husband has had no contact with her since. My concern is that there is a 7-year-old grandchild involved. My mother-in-law has not apologized to me, nor do I have any contact with her. I want to forgive her, but my heart will not let me. I don't want my stepdaughter to miss out on her grandma, but the things she said were so hurtful. Is there any way to move past this knowing what her true feelings are? -- Not So Black and White
Dear Not So Black and White: I commend you for putting your stepdaughter first after such an attack.
Often, people with such bigotries are not malicious but ignorant, uneducated and small-minded. This is not an excuse. It merely shows that there is hope for her to change.
I would discuss the subject in-depth with your husband and come up with some clear, firm boundaries to present to his mother -- the first being that hatred, racism and violence are not welcome in your home. You will do your stepdaughter no favors by exposing her to those views.
After your mother-in-law goes through therapy to address her violent, hateful outbursts -- assuming that she does -- you can discuss baby steps for bringing her back into your family's life.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2612367
2. I’m a white mom with two young kids, and a few months ago I made a new friend with a mom whose son plays on the same basketball team with my son. She’s also white, but she’s married to a Black man. She invited my son and me to her house over the holidays and I noticed some disturbing behavior from her. At one point when we were alone she said, “I’ll be damned if my son grows up to be like one of those illiterate gangster monkeys in the city.” I was floored, but didn’t respond. I told my white husband when I got home and he shrugged it off by saying she can’t possibly be racist because she has a Black husband and a half-Black kid. That’s probably true, but the bigger issue is I don’t want her to ever say things like that around my son or me. How should I deal with this in the future?
—Awkward New Friend
Dear Awkward,
Hold up—you said it’s “probably true” that a white person can’t be racist because she has a Black husband and a half-Black kid. That’s not true. Trust me, this is way more common than you may believe, and I see it often in my line of work.
The problem here is your unwillingness to say anything. Time’s up on racists in 2022, and we need to call them out at every single opportunity. Since this happened relatively recently, you should bring it up by saying, “Hey, remember the monkey comment you said to me at your house? The fact that you’re married to a Black man or have a half-Black son doesn’t give you the right to say racist things around my son or me.” You can’t pussyfoot your way around this conversation—be blunt, firm, and unapologetic.
If she apologizes, that’s great, and you can move on. If she pushes back, then basically she’s saying she’s choosing her racism over your friendship. Would you want someone like that as a friend? I wouldn’t.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/01/anger-management-parenting-advice.html
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2. This other woman is also awful. LW2 can get better friends.
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"During the argument, I was scratched in the face."
Who scratched the LW? if it had been the mother-in-law, wouldn't the letter say so?
"It turned into a very heated argument that led to the police forcing her to leave."
Again, if the real story was something like "we told her to leave, she got physical and/or made credible threats, we felt our safety was at risk and the police agreed," wouldn't the letter say so?
I don't know what I think happened, but the weaseliness of the wording makes me think that the LW knows they come out looking better if they aren't clear and specific about what they did.
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What I suspect is that the LW (and possibly the husband) tried to bundle the MIL out the door, and in the process of that, one of two things happened:
1. The LW got scratched by their own hands, their furniture, or their husband.
2. The LW later noticed a scratch on their face and went, "That must have happened while we were trying to remove MIL, but I have no idea who did it or how."
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I love nitpicking people's language in these letters, no sarcasm, but I think this is a stretch. Even if she is trying to hide responsibility here, which I don't see any evidence of, it could just as easily be that she's trying to make her MIL look less responsible than she actually is, because she wants to reconcile with the woman even though MIL's own son doesn't.
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This assumes, of course, that mother is living and in any way involved in the kid's life.
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I gotta say, as a white person in a relationship with a white person, I would absolutely not tell a white casual friend in an interracial relationship any of those sentences, especially someone I've only known for a few months. I can absolutely guarantee that conversation would go nowhere good.
I might say, via email or text or some out-of-band way, "Hey, whatever you meant by it, I'm not comfortable being around you when you say things like that monkey comment. I don't want to litigate what you meant or get into how I misunderstood or how I don't have enough context to understand, but I want to let you know that I won't be coming around anymore unless that kind of thing isn't going to happen." And that's likely to end the friendship, which is probably good. You just need to manage the fallout so your kid doesn't lose his friend over it.
[eta: I don't mean "would go nowhere good because talking about racism is hard" I mean because the white friend would likely say "how dare you?!? I am not a racist, I have a Black child! Are you saying all Black people are like those illiterate gangster monkeys in the city?!? My husband is articulate and clean and unusually educated! You're the Real Racist!™")