agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Annie: My husband always punishes me and shows no interest in our relationship. He sleeps on the sofa and storms in and argues with me. He says it's because I drink too much.

Even days when I do not drink, or periods of time when I do not drink, he still does this.

I just want a loving, caring relationship. I realize my drinking is part of the problem, but I feel we are in a cycle where he punishes me and then I don't want to change. -- Unhappy Marriage

Dear Unhappy: The first person you have to start having a loving and caring relationship with is yourself. Once you have that, finding a loving relationship with your husband will be much easier. Take some time off drinking, and see if the clarity it brings you shifts your relationship. If your husband continues to ignore you and argues with you all the time, then it might be time to seek the help of a professional marriage counselor.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2614009

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I believe LW has two problems here.

First, it seems likely that LW has a problem with alcohol. Telling somebody with alcoholism that they have to love themselves and just go cold turkey is useless advice at best, and borderline criminal at worst. Has anybody ever been cured of a mental illness or addiction by being told to love themselves more? If LW is an alcoholic, they need to get evidence based treatment from a professional who specializes in addiction.

Secondly, unless LW is misrepresenting the situation here, they've got a husband who treats them badly. This husband may feel justified in this behavior because of the alcoholism, but just like you can't cure addiction by telling people to buck up and love themselves more, you can't cure it by emotional abuse and the silent treatment.

You cannot cure an abusive spouse by loving yourself more, and it is absolutely shameful that anybody would suggest that.

LW should bring this up with their shrink when they get help. LW should not go to therapy with Husband, because of course you should never go to therapy with somebody who hurts you.

This is bad advice.

I mean, it's exactly what you expect from Annie, but yeah, there's not a single shred of good advice in here. They could likely get better from a random social worker or even like, a librarian. At least the librarian could research 'safe ways to dry out an alcoholic' and 'safe ways to deal with signs of a toxic relationship' for them...

^^^ This

"I drink too much" could mean "I am an alcoholic" or it could mean "I have a controlling and erratic husband who calls me an alcoholic when I have a couple of glasses of wine in an evening". From the above, we don't know if she actually *has* a drinking problem.

I should not be at all surprised if, divested of the real problem, namely, him, she didn't feel the need to drink as often. Stopping drinking without freeing herself from the husband could just mean he finds something else to blame her for. After all, she says there are days, or periods of time, when she does not drink, and he still behaves like this.

I agree with that. It's obvious he wants to sabotage her self-esteem and if she removes herself from that stressor, who knows?

That is true, it is possible LW has no drinking problem whatsoever.

This ⬆️

It took me 5 words to get to "your husband is abusing you, run away". Anyone else?

Quitting alcohol cold turkey? That's beyond bad advice and into possibly lethal.

Indeed.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only