Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend tries to backpedal after calling partner a ‘boring loser’

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up, I guess. I am devastated because I was thinking this relationship would lead to marriage. His approach to the pandemic has made me nervous — throwing caution to the wind, no mask except when absolutely required, weekly meetups with large groups of friends. We’ve had several arguments about it, escalating to the last one where he told me I always acted like a “boring loser” and he couldn’t take it anymore. By “always” he meant how I exercise every day and eat healthy and how serious I am about my job. It was like a lot of pent-up anger came pouring out.

When I asked why he was with me if he felt that way, he laughed and said because I was hot and it made his friends jealous.

He’s been texting me a flood of apologies, saying he didn’t mean it, he made it all up because he was mad. It sounded like truth to me. Is it possible he made that all up? He’s pushed me to “loosen up” before but never called me boring. I really thought he loved me. I’m so brokenhearted. How do I figure out how he really feels?

— My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Boring

My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Boring: He seems nice.

You know from his past behavior whether he accidentally lost his cool or accidentally told the truth. There's always a trail. We don't always see it in the moment, but, when we look back through the lens of new information, it's usually there in plain sight.

Even if he just made that all up, then you have to reckon with the fact that when this guy gets angry, he becomes a verbally abusive jerk. And then tries to charm-wash it all away.

But, ahem: “He's pushed me to 'loosen up' before.”

So, instead of wondering whether he ever loved you, it's time to ask yourself whether you really love him — and why.

You don't stay because you think you owe someone forgiveness; you stay because you feel your best with this person.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/01/06/carolyn-hax-boyfriend-calls-partner-boring-loser/?itid=mr_3 (advice is followed by some more gleaned from readers)

Comments

[conuly]

Putting aside literally everything else, you just know that if she stopped eating mostly healthful foods and exercising daily then he'd accuse her of no longer caring about her looks and, by extension, him.

[sathari]

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS. Working out and eating healthily are very likely factors in the model of why her appearance is as conventionally attractive as it is.

In the spirit of That Bad Advice: Girl, if he's just admitted to you that you're his trophy girlfriend, then work it for all it's worth. "Fine, if you want a hot girlfriend to make your friends jealous with, then here are my expectations---" starting with "Wear a goddamn mask."

More That Bad Advice: The appropriate response to being called a boring loser for taking care of your health, especially during a pandemic, is "That's better than being a selfish, infantile twit with an exaggerated sense of his own immortality."

Serious advice: I'm thinking Whole Man Disposal Services, and not just because of the blowup, but because of what appears to be an overall completely different set of priorities. She values her health and her gainful employment, and he values... it sounds like, having fun in the moment and YOLO? And also if a significant factor in his interest in her is due to her physical attractiveness, well, that's kinda frangible--- I mean, I'm thinking of another letter from today about the woman who wouldn't leave a cheating boyfriend because he got cancer, and more to the point the comments here about how the reverse does not seem to be a problem for dudes--- so would this guy drop her if she had a health issue that caused her to be less conventionally attractive in some way? (Yes, that's a rhetorical question at this point, I fear.)

[lemonsharks]

would this guy drop her if she had a health issue that caused her to be less conventionally attractive in some way?

I'd bet my mouse arm he would. Without hesitation, and double time if the condition that causes her body to [fill in the blank] in a way that was inconvenient to him.

[green_grrl]

My favorite is actually the top-rated comment:
Leave...and tell him you are leaving because he doesn't make your friends jealous.

[rmc28]

Hahahaha I love it.

[minoanmiss]

In ira est veritas.

Or put another way, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -- Maya Angelou

[futurism]

Throw the whole man out. Seriously, I hope writing this letter alone was enough of a wake up call for LW, but if not I desperately need this in an AITA format so the internet can convince her of doing it.