Apparently at some point they gave her a "lecture" together, though! That's kind of what I was trying to point at - instead of seeing that as discrediting LW's history of activism or identity as anti-racist, she should take that as giving her credit as someone who could potentially be reasoned with. (Talking to each other first to get straight what they wanted to say to her is totally reasonable though, and it's clear that LW is looking for reasons to think of them as The Unreasonable Mean Ones when she pulls that "behind my back" nonsense.)

When I stopped calling certain family members on their bigoted bullshit, it wasn't respect - it was despair. If they're willing to tell her what she did wrong, that is a sign that all is not lost (yet) and LW should think about that and whether or not she really wants her future daughter-in-law to never be honest with her again. Or if she wants any contact with their family at all, or just to be one of the relatives they never visit.