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Dear Prudie: Baby Showers
Dear Prudence,
My younger sister is expecting her first child this fall. She recently completed her baby registries at two stores and told me to check them out. I was stunned. She has seemingly put every item in both stores on the list. She is having four showers thrown for her (all by eager, happy hosts), so I think that's the reason for all of the excess. I have kids of my own, and I know that they require a lot of stuff. But she's registered for just about everything that this child will need until he or she turns 3 years old—including a toddler bed. I'm embarrassed for her, and I think this looks greedy, especially since they are comfortable financially. I love her dearly, and I don't want to upset her, but should I speak up about this?
—Excited Auntie-To-Be
Dear Excited,
I'm not sure someone who thinks expelling a small person entitles her to receive everything in the warehouse at Buy Buy Baby is going to be amenable to being instructed on the value of holding back. I agree she is embarrassing herself, but showers can make some people's judgment mushy, and you need to be very sure of your relationship with her before you wade into this one. It's ludicrous for her to expect her loved ones to furnish all the furniture and everything else she'll need for the first years of her baby's life. More than that, she should be pulling the plug on at least two of the showers. If she has four separate guest lists, then she's hitting up people who aren't close enough friends; if she is inviting people to more than one shower, then she's going to get a reputation for avariciousness. You can gently try to tell her all this: "Kristie, everyone is so excited about your pregnancy, but maybe your friends should consolidate the celebrations into two events, so it doesn't seem as if they're going over the top." But be prepared for her to blow her top and accuse you of being a cheap, jealous sister and lousy aunt-to-be.
—Prudie
My younger sister is expecting her first child this fall. She recently completed her baby registries at two stores and told me to check them out. I was stunned. She has seemingly put every item in both stores on the list. She is having four showers thrown for her (all by eager, happy hosts), so I think that's the reason for all of the excess. I have kids of my own, and I know that they require a lot of stuff. But she's registered for just about everything that this child will need until he or she turns 3 years old—including a toddler bed. I'm embarrassed for her, and I think this looks greedy, especially since they are comfortable financially. I love her dearly, and I don't want to upset her, but should I speak up about this?
—Excited Auntie-To-Be
Dear Excited,
I'm not sure someone who thinks expelling a small person entitles her to receive everything in the warehouse at Buy Buy Baby is going to be amenable to being instructed on the value of holding back. I agree she is embarrassing herself, but showers can make some people's judgment mushy, and you need to be very sure of your relationship with her before you wade into this one. It's ludicrous for her to expect her loved ones to furnish all the furniture and everything else she'll need for the first years of her baby's life. More than that, she should be pulling the plug on at least two of the showers. If she has four separate guest lists, then she's hitting up people who aren't close enough friends; if she is inviting people to more than one shower, then she's going to get a reputation for avariciousness. You can gently try to tell her all this: "Kristie, everyone is so excited about your pregnancy, but maybe your friends should consolidate the celebrations into two events, so it doesn't seem as if they're going over the top." But be prepared for her to blow her top and accuse you of being a cheap, jealous sister and lousy aunt-to-be.
—Prudie
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I dunno; this hits the same buttons for me as admonishments about telling people where you're registered for weddings does. It seems to me that etiquette lags at least 20 years behind the typical life situation.
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It's like a wishlist. I give my mom and Carla's aunt the link to my Amazon wishlist every year and I don't expect them to buy everything on there. I expect them to choose one thing each.
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And I find registries very handy. I mean, no-one wants 50 toasters (do they? maybe a collector of toasters?) and it's nice to know that their other 50 friends you've never met aren't all getting the exact same thing.
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And it's especially difficult because saying, "No, don't throw a shower for me" to people sounds generous and kind on paper, but when it comes to telling the person who suggested it, can seem pretty snarky.
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However, I can see the practicality of registering for stuff you want, and if the mum-to-be in question has lots of friends wanting to buy her stuff, it's probably sensible to register for things she thinks she'll need and let the guests figure out for themselves how much they want to spend. If the people attending the showers think the mum-to-be is being greedy, presumably they'll restrict their spending to what seems reasonable. The grandparents are the ones who'll be getting the big-ticket items.
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Either you do it out of the goodness of your heart because you like to help out a friend and/or relative, or you do it because of that and to pay it forward from when you had a baby shower and got the same treatment. (Neither one - the not having kids or the having kids - is better than the other, is what I'm saying.)
Also, this is just my take on the matter (and maybe some others' takes too), but not a universal viewpoint. Or even a universal to the U.S. viewpoint.
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*Oddly, spouse and I really DID, because we'd both been poor grad students all our adult lives ;).
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