agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: Our son married a psychotherapist who is very controlling. From the beginning, she did not like me, which was obvious from her words and actions. She has convinced our son that I was a bad mother, and he hasn't spoken to me in more than four years. He also shuns every other member of our family.

We are heartbroken. We were a close family until she came into the picture, but my son allowed her to ruin it. I have tried to keep in touch with him, but he never replies. I have also talked to a therapist with no success. They and her family have blocked me from contacting them. I'm unable to accept this situation because my family and I love my son so much. Please help me. -- DISTRAUGHT MOTHER IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR MOTHER: I will try, but it won't be easy. I know you are heartbroken, but you are going to have to find a way to accept and grieve the loss of your son. This may take the help of another licensed psychotherapist or your spiritual counselor to help you come to terms with a painful situation that cannot be repaired. Please accept my sympathy for your loss.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2592227

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There are three possibilities here:

1. LW was a good mother; Son is being abused by DIL.

2. LW was a terrible, abusive mother; Son is NOT being abused by DIL.

3. LW was a terrible, abusive mother; and Son is being abused by DIL.

There really isn't enough information to tell. However, I will say, I don't think a *good* mother would look at the situation as-is and decide that the real problem is that "we were a close family until she came into the picture, but my son allowed her to ruin it" rather than "my god, this is textbook abuse!"

Yeah, I'm wondering if Son didn't realise how bad his mother truly was until his partner told him...

That definitely sounds like the most plausible explanation on the information we have here. The utter and complete lack of detail or evidence about the claims or actions of the son and DIL is a bit of a red flag.

That was my first thought. Enough "Oh haha funny anecdote about the time my mom dumped me into a vat of spiders just for funsies" "[stare]" "Wait, that isn't normal?" and Son gets a shiny new perspective on his childhood. And on family members who made excuses instead of stepping in.

(It doesn't necessarily mean the mom was bad at momming -- but her reaction to the current situation is telling. It's all about how she loves and needs him, and very dismissive of anything other than BUT FAAAAMILY.)

There's the separate possibility that DIL is trying to isolate Son, and I don't really have enough info to judge, but ... it smells hinky.

Where would you even get a vat of spiders?

"I have also talked to a therapist with no success." > "A therapist didn't see it my way and told me that to feel less bad about it, I had to do things I didn't want, like accept that my son is a grownup person who can make his own decisions."

"but my son allowed her to ruin it"

this sounds like a red flag from the LW.

"They and her family have blocked me"

Sounds like LW has been contacting people other than her son and his wife. Probably quite a bit if those family members have blocked her. Also a red flag that this is an issue with the LW and not the son and his wife.

Woooooow, look at all those missing reasons! Just look at them! I haven't seen such a big glittery inventory of missing reasons in a good while! Such a feast.

I seriously can't get enough of those letters.