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Dear Carolyn: I have been hanging out with my parents more since the pandemic started. There’s nothing new on TV so there’s been a lot of talking about the past. They tell me constantly how much they don’t like each other, since I was in at least middle school. I get that they need to vent. But this has really done a number on me emotionally.
This weekend, my dad had spent the day obviously upset, sulking, and then he got me alone and started going in on my mom. After two hours, he said he felt much better. The next night, he started talking again — then said I wasn’t making him feel any better anymore.
I lost it. I told him I'm his [expletive] daughter, not a [expletive] therapist. I'm not here to make him feel better. “If you hate your life so much, go get divorced because I'm done, I don't want to hear it anymore.”
Now he’s even more upset, sulking, and refusing to come in the house. I apologized for being mean and nasty. I feel terrible, like if I had just kept my mouth shut, we could’ve moved on from this — like this is a fight I prolonged and should’ve just fixed.
— Just Plain Tired
Just Plain Tired: But … you did fix it! Finally. You fixed it.
The only healthy response to parents who dump marital problems on their kid is: “I’m your [expletive] daughter, not a [expletive] therapist.”
It was a thing of [expletive] beauty.
You were even right to apologize for “being mean and nasty,” because as richly satisfying as it must have felt, it was an emotional outburst and adults apologize for those. And, it was a byproduct of your not saying what you felt for years, stockpiling rage and resentment, which is something else adults need to learn not to do. Your parents were not healthy examples there.
So gather all this up, step back and see the family landscape: You were groomed to be a peacemaker, a profound disservice to you; covid exacerbated this; you hit your limit and said, “Enough.” Now you’re straddling the line between ditching this role and making nice again (though it never actually was). It’s your conscious mind vs. your emotional reflexes — and please let your mind win.
Don’t go back to the appeasement side. You made the emotional accomplishment of a lifetime in holding your father accountable. Keep going now, and commit fully to the “I am not your therapist” side — kindly from now on, but also unbudgingly.
Seek therapy, too, if feasible, because your family system and conditioning will make it hard for you to opt out. But you see it now, so now you can.
Last thing: There is no such thing as having seen all the TV. Is there? It just doesn’t seem possible.
A reader’s thoughts:
· I understand more than I have room to say here. Remember one thing: the sulking, the “silent treatment,” etc., your dad is engaging in now is abuse. You are being abused. Carolyn wrote years ago about the silent treatment being abuse, and it changed how I allowed people (including my dad) to treat me forever. Boundaries aren’t cruel. They are a gift to yourself and, whether or not they see it, to your parents, too. Don’t back down. Good luck.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/11/13/carolyn-hax-dad-daughter-marriage-counselor-enough/
This weekend, my dad had spent the day obviously upset, sulking, and then he got me alone and started going in on my mom. After two hours, he said he felt much better. The next night, he started talking again — then said I wasn’t making him feel any better anymore.
I lost it. I told him I'm his [expletive] daughter, not a [expletive] therapist. I'm not here to make him feel better. “If you hate your life so much, go get divorced because I'm done, I don't want to hear it anymore.”
Now he’s even more upset, sulking, and refusing to come in the house. I apologized for being mean and nasty. I feel terrible, like if I had just kept my mouth shut, we could’ve moved on from this — like this is a fight I prolonged and should’ve just fixed.
— Just Plain Tired
Just Plain Tired: But … you did fix it! Finally. You fixed it.
The only healthy response to parents who dump marital problems on their kid is: “I’m your [expletive] daughter, not a [expletive] therapist.”
It was a thing of [expletive] beauty.
You were even right to apologize for “being mean and nasty,” because as richly satisfying as it must have felt, it was an emotional outburst and adults apologize for those. And, it was a byproduct of your not saying what you felt for years, stockpiling rage and resentment, which is something else adults need to learn not to do. Your parents were not healthy examples there.
So gather all this up, step back and see the family landscape: You were groomed to be a peacemaker, a profound disservice to you; covid exacerbated this; you hit your limit and said, “Enough.” Now you’re straddling the line between ditching this role and making nice again (though it never actually was). It’s your conscious mind vs. your emotional reflexes — and please let your mind win.
Don’t go back to the appeasement side. You made the emotional accomplishment of a lifetime in holding your father accountable. Keep going now, and commit fully to the “I am not your therapist” side — kindly from now on, but also unbudgingly.
Seek therapy, too, if feasible, because your family system and conditioning will make it hard for you to opt out. But you see it now, so now you can.
Last thing: There is no such thing as having seen all the TV. Is there? It just doesn’t seem possible.
A reader’s thoughts:
· I understand more than I have room to say here. Remember one thing: the sulking, the “silent treatment,” etc., your dad is engaging in now is abuse. You are being abused. Carolyn wrote years ago about the silent treatment being abuse, and it changed how I allowed people (including my dad) to treat me forever. Boundaries aren’t cruel. They are a gift to yourself and, whether or not they see it, to your parents, too. Don’t back down. Good luck.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/11/13/carolyn-hax-dad-daughter-marriage-counselor-enough/
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The reader thoughts remind everybody that the way Dad is treating LW now is abusive - but it was always abusive, at least since middle school. It was never not abusive to ask her to listen to him "vent" about his wife.
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Frankly, problem solved. If he isn't in the house, LW doesn't have to fucking listen to his bullshit. And the funnest thing to do with someone who is pointedly Refusing To Come In The House, is to go "k", close the door and go about one's own business.
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