Dear Prudence: Might as well post the whole thing

[cereta]

Dear Prudie,I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for 15. He is 54 and I am 61. He adores me and has never been anything but happy with our life. However, in the last couple of years, I have had some major health issues that have changed our lives somewhat. He doesn’t complain and is right there to help me with anything, but I feel that I am becoming a burden. How do I stop feeling that I am holding him down from enjoying his life? I love him so much and I don’t want to ruin the rest of his life.

— Holding Him Back

Dear Holding Him Back,

When you got married, did he know you were seven years older than him? Was he familiar with the way people tend to deal with medical issues later in life? Was there anything in your vows that touched on the idea of loving each other unconditionally, perhaps “in sickness and in health?” I’m guessing the answers to all these questions are yes! You need to think about why you don’t believe you’re deserving of care and companionship even when you’re not at your best, and why you can’t see that having you as a partner adds value to your husband’s life. And then, with the help of a therapist or some good conversations with him, begin to change your thinking. I’m sure you’re suffering enough as a result of your medical issues—please don’t add to your pain by refusing to accept that the person who promised to love you forever actually does.

Comments

[cereta]

I'm just going to say one thing: everyone who thinks that if the genders were reversed, it would not absolutely be seen as the woman's job to take care her older husband, please raise your hands so I can send you a brochure of some lovely beachfront property in southern Illinois.

Fun statistic: Men who are married to or heavily involved with women are six times more likely to leave their partners if they, the women, develop cancer than women are to leave sick husbands. So, yeah. That's fun.

[fox]

They could be the same gender, though? In any case, it's not a question of it being the younger spouse's job to take care of the older spouse when the LW feels like a burden although the younger spouse has never complained about the change in his life.

[cereta]

Good point on the genders. Mea Culpa.

[minoanmiss]

*raises hand* I love fantasy literature!

(ahahahah of course it would be seen as Her Job As Is Natural Right and Proper)

[conuly]

Men who are married to or heavily involved with women are six times more likely to leave their partners if they, the women, develop cancer than women are to leave sick husbands.

Anecdotally, this appears to even hold true if the woman had been going to leave before the husband became sick.

Hell, I've even heard lots of stories about women devoting time and energy to caring for sick or elderly exes or their ex's sick or elderly parents, including in my own family*, but I've rarely if ever heard about men doing the same for their ex wives or ex inlaws.

* To be fair, while my uncle's ex-wife devoted a lot of time to my grandparents, nobody put more time into their care than he did. Eldercare almost always falls to daughters and daughters-in-law, and he deserves the credit for the work he did caring for his parents as they aged. But he had help, and that help was my aunt, and while his work caring for my grandparents was admirable it's not as though he reciprocated her help by caring for her parents as well.

[cereta]

Yeah, the Twitter thread that caused me to look that stat up was one long horror story of men expecting women with Stage-4 cancer to cook and clean and work full-time. It was awful.

[librarygeek]

My paternal grandmother did exactly THAT to my mom after Mom had already a diagnosis of stomach cancer and given less than 3 months to live. I was then 6 months pregnant with my only successful pregnancy, and had 3 miscarriages prior, so Mom didn't even want me told at first about her diagnosis, so I didn't lose another one.

My dad did manage to step up, take care of Grandma and Mom, until Grandma asked to go into the same assisted living facility as her father. I think it took only a few months. 😇🤣

But Mom was in tears about Grandma telling the family "I'm going back to my hometown where my daughter-in-law will care for me just like she took care of her mother!" THAT was twenty years prior, and Mom didn't have a cancer diagnosis at that time.

Mom almost made it two whole years after diagnosis before passing, so she did play with her grandbaby, my baby only one born before she died, and Grandma lived another 3 years after Mom.

[shirou]

The statistic you posted demonstrates a serious empathy gap.

And also: Four in five cis/het marriages in which the woman gets seriously ill do NOT end in separation or divorce (during the treatment period, at least). And LW isn't even sick, just aging. The age gap may be a little unusual, but her husband's commitment and support are not. (Source)

One in five men leaving seriously ill partners is not zero. I find it alarmingly high. But four in five is also not zero. I cringe at the use of the 7x figure (i.e., six times greater) by itself when it gives the misleading impression that most men leave sick partners, when in fact, most men stay.

Since LW's husband is already supportive, LW should talk about her feelings. It sounds like a little more verbal reassurance could go a long way. (As noted above, LW doesn't specifically identify their gender, but since same-sex marriage was not possible in most places 15 years ago, I am making the assumption LW is a woman.)