agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

When I was 10, my then 16-year-old stepsister Corrine moved in with my family. Her mom kicked her out for breaking curfew. Corrine and my mom clashed; she got my room, while I had to move in with my sister, and I was bitterly jealous of her being our dad’s biological daughter. So, I framed her for stealing and destroying my mom’s heirlooms. When Corrine refused to confess, my parents sent her to live with relatives while everyone calmed down. At the time, I was terrified to tell the truth, lest I be sent away. The guilt over what I did to Corrine has haunted me ever since.

Now we’re grown up. Corrine ran away from the relatives and was homeless for a few years. She now refuses to speak to my parents, who deeply regret sending her away. I know I need to confess to my parents and apologize to Corrine, but I am terrified of how everyone will react. My dad will never forgive himself for failing Corrine, and it would destroy me to lose his love, although I deserve it. I don’t know what to say, because nothing in the world will make what I did okay or fix the hurt I caused.

How should I begin to confess?

— Unforgivable

Dear Unforgiveable,

My editor and I think this sounds like the plot of a 19th-century novel but we can’t figure out which one. But the important thing is, you’re probably not the first (fictional or real) person to experience something like this—and more important, you are not unforgivable. You did a mean, immature, childish thing. Because you were a child! A child who was going through a tough time! The blame here is on your parents, who failed to give Corrine unconditional love, and ruined her life based on the allegations of another kid. Good parents don’t abandon children for misbehaving. Forgive yourself.

Given what I know about your dad from your letter, I don’t think he would take your confession well, and he may in fact take his love away from you. Because he’s not a reasonable person. So don’t tell him, but if you do have a chance to apologize to Corrine for the role you played, do it. Chances are, she knows her father well enough that she’ll understand where the blame belongs.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/10/dear-prudence-stepsister-crime-framed.html

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The longer LW has gone on without apologizing, the harder it has gotten. At this point, the easiest way is to write Corrine a note saying that she understands if Corrine can never forgive her and that she won't initiate further contact unless asked.

Prudence is right here - the real bad guys at fault are the various adults who failed Corrine at every stage. Her mother kicked her out for violating curfew? That's it, that's her big crime? Her father, when faced with an accusation that she had destroyed heirlooms, not only took this at face value but did not consider that an appropriate response might be family therapy? He also kicked her out? (At least this is a worse crime than simply violating curfew, but still.)

Maybe these people don't deserve to be forgiven. Maybe they don't deserve to forgive themselves. They don't really need LW's confession to know what they did.

This family tradition of literally throwing children out... I have no words.

No wonder LW is afraid to come forward. Losing her parents' love is a very real risk. I almost wonder if that's part of why she did it in the first place, because love in their family was always a zero-sum game.

I suspect Corinne knows very well who did the crimes that led to her being thrown out a second time.

I'm sure Corinne does know, or at least has narrowed down to "either of my stepsisters".

But LW's parents don't*, and at any rate, LW should still apologize from the heart. (But not use that apology as some sort of wedge to open up contact! Keep it short and sweet - I did this awful thing, I'm so sorry, I hope you can forgive me but I understand if you can't - and done.)

* Or are claiming they don't? Or anyway are acting like they don't? Do they seriously, after all this time, still think it was Corinne who is just stubbornly refusing to confess?

Edited 2021-10-28 19:42 (UTC)

I wouldn't blame LW for chosing not to tell the parents the truth -

if the parents estrange themselves from LW as well

and do not mend bridges with Corinne

LW will not have actually made things better, but rather, even worse

IDK. I'm kinda a "burn those bridges" sort of person when it comes to this sort of thing.

Right now, LW is worrying that the worst might happen, her parents might stop talking to her. And that is a real risk!

But if they're going to refuse to talk to her over a crime that happened when she was a child, no matter how bad that crime was, then maybe she's better off if that does happen. At least then she knows for sure.

But that's easy enough for me to say.

Edited 2021-10-28 19:51 (UTC)