agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m (17F) the oldest in a family of six. I have a younger brother with autism (“James,” 15) and two other siblings (“Dave,” 14, and “Liz,” 12). I love them all to death, and they’re all incredibly smart, creative, and caring. That’s not to say my family is perfect, however. There were parental issues as we were growing up and we all were affected in different ways. As a result, my family has been left a little bruised. I think we would greatly benefit from family counseling, but that’s another issue, as my parents don’t 100 percent believe in mental health, or that there’s a problem at all. I put myself in my school’s counseling program, and that’s helped some.

I’m writing because Liz has entered what I think can best be described as a phase. She’s very irritable, petty, and rather aggressive and rude, and whenever I ask her to do something or tell her that she needs a minute to calm down, I get a very snarky response. It was the same with Dave when he was growing up, so this is nothing new. The weird thing with Liz is that it’s usually over very trivial stuff. For example, Liz acts like she’s my mother—ordering me around, telling me that I need to do various things, yelling at me. I am doing things that need to get done, and I am responsible, so I’m not sure where this is coming from. Or if Dave asks her to take something upstairs, since she’s heading up anyway, she will purposely ignore him until she’s halfway up the stairs, and then the two will start arguing about how she could have taken it up, she was “already on the stairs.” She’ll purposely continue arguments, even when we request her to stop talking, calm down, and come back in a little bit when everybody is more relaxed. Our mother has stepped in multiple times, telling Liz to back off, punishing her if necessary, etc. My father blames my brother for the arguments (they have a long history of arguing), but I feel this is unfair to Dave because, as of late, the problem is usually Liz, and Dave has been making an effort to get along with her, and he’s come a long way. My mother and I have both talked to Liz, and Dave is currently actively avoiding Liz to avoid any arguments, but confrontation is inevitable.

As I mentioned previously, I went through this with Dave, and I know someone who is in a similar boat as I am, so I’m trying to handle this as best I can. But, as you know, we’ve been in a pandemic. I’ve had friend breakups, had to move in the middle of all this, and while I’m happy where we are now, I’m still stuck at home with them. In short, I’m tired. I’ve been putting up with this every day, nonstop, dealing with my own mental issues, balancing several crazy social situations, am in my first relationship, and am currently frustrated with the school system in my new state. It’s gotten to the point that sometimes, whenever I wake up or hear Liz’s harsh tones, I die a little inside. I love and want to hang out with my siblings but it’s hard when they inevitably start arguing and I’m caught in the middle. I don’t want to do this anymore. I low-key want to ignore them and tell them to “figure it out,” but I know that’s not fair on Dave. So here I am. I’m nearing a breaking point. I need a solution or advice, or both?

—Worn Out and Weary

Dear WOaW,

You have a lot on your plate, and being the eldest sibling of a large family has been said to feel like a full-time job of its own, so it’s not surprising that your sister’s latest phase is rubbing you the wrong way. I think the best solution would be for you to focus on ways to manage your stress. Talk about these stresses with your school counselor. With the pandemic, changes in your social life, the move, and just regular teen stuff—as well as the family issues of the past and present you mention—I think you’d greatly benefit from having someone outside who can listen to your concerns on a regular basis.

As far as Liz’s behavior goes, try to remember what that time period felt like for you. The hormonal changes and introduction to menstruation alone are enough to make a once-chill girl turn into a very unpleasant version of herself. Let her know that you are there to talk and that you understand that she’s going through a difficult time, but don’t allow her to speak down to or yell at you without correcting her, either. Be as patient as possible, but take the self-care breaks you need when you can; if listening to Liz yell at your brother after a long day at school is stressing you out, it may be easier to take a nap or a walk than to try and redirect her energy. No matter what you do, be sure to always prioritize your own ability to feel OK, and that means remembering that you aren’t Liz’s mother, nor is there anything you can do to make this stage in her life go away or end sooner. The best you can do is to be a loving sister who is happy and whole herself, and to be supportive of both Liz and Dave (and I’m sure he’d be grateful for some extra encouragement from you when Liz is giving him a hard time). Wishing you all the best luck.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/09/ex-wife-boyfriend-worried-about-daughters-care-and-feeding-advice.html

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LW isn't the oldest one in the family. Her parents are, and they're the ones who are supposed to be telling Liz and Dave what to do, interceding in their fights when necessary, doing all the responsible things that "need to be done" that apparently LW is handling, and generally being the parents.

And it sucks that they're not, and I wish that this answer had acknowledged that, because I'm not sure LW understands that those parental issues, whatever they were, are still ongoing.

LW isn't the oldest one in the family. Her parents are

I came in to say exactly that. EXACTLY.

Great minds.

You deserve whatever the columnists are being paid..

Unfortunately, I'm lacking in the practical advice. My telling LW that the situation is all kinds of fucked up is not going to magically unfuck the situation for her.

+1 again. Although I think the letter tacitly makes clear that her parents are incapable of parenting correctly, the answer skimming over it gives a weird impression like it's impolite to mention or something. That's not the message a parentified child needs to get - 'there's something off here, but the best thing is if we pretend everything is normal and silently place all the responsibility on you'. They get enough of that from their absent caretakers.

Our mother has stepped in multiple times, telling Liz to back off, punishing her if necessary, etc. My father blames my brother for the arguments (they have a long history of arguing), but I feel this is unfair to Dave because, as of late, the problem is usually Liz, and Dave has been making an effort to get along with her, and he’s come a long way. My mother and I have both talked to Liz, and Dave is currently actively avoiding Liz to avoid any arguments, but confrontation is inevitable.

It does seem like mom is stepping up, at least. It’s just … a bad manifestation of teenagerhood. If it weren’t pandemic times, I’d say send Liz to a favorite aunt, college friend, etc. for a few weeks to give everyone (including Liz) a break. 😕

It does seem like mom is stepping up, at least.

I mean, maybe. It sounds to me like Mom is not expected to step up and like when she does she does so in a way that's perhaps ineffective - like, perhaps, she's limited in her toolbox to "telling Liz to back off" and "punishing her". There is more to parenting than just punishment!

Parentificaaaaaaaaaaaaaaation

I'm glad LW is in counseling. It sounds like all the younger siblings really really need it too.

10000%

To paraphrase Giles, she's become a preteen girl. But yes, I'd rreaaally like to know where the parents are.

The parentification is strong in this family. It feels like the best thing for LW to do is to move out once she's old enough, whether into dorms or into an apartment.

While the advice isn't particularly terrible, I feel like C&F is taking the attitude that you can't have real problems if you're a teenager. LW may be dealing with real mental health challenges not just regular teen stuff. And likewise Liz; yes, it's normal for pre-teens to be somewhat prickly, but this kid has terrible parents with a history of "issues". Plus, there's a pandemic; I accept that the columnist can't fix that, but they could at least acknowledge that living for a year and a half in real fear of death is more than just ~teen hormones, shrug~

"Liz acts like she’s my mother—ordering me around, telling me that I need to do various things, yelling at me. I am doing things that need to get done, and I am responsible, so I’m not sure where this is coming from."

Its coming from the mother who is probably ordering her around, telling her that she needs to do various things, yelling at her. "Acts like she's my mother" is very telling here.

Betcha a dollar that Liz doesn't talk to her actual parents like that, though.

Liz sounds like she's trying to figure out who she is, and in the process is trying out the behavior patterns she sees in her own mother (e.g. giving orders, etc). It's not a fun period of life, and I sympathize with the whole family, but especially with Liz, who probably feels like she has no control at all over her life and is desperately trying to claim some.