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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have four kids, three school-aged kids with my wife and one older teenage daughter, “Emily,” from my first marriage. I had fallen out of contact with Emily after her mother and I divorced. Sadly her mother passed away last year, so she has moved in with my family. It seems that in the years between when I moved out and now, my ex and daughter fell on some hard times. I only have Emily’s word on this, but by her account, she and her Mom were homeless for a period of time, or lived with some suspect character, and generally dealt with a lot of financial insecurity. I feel badly about this, but Emily’s mother never reached out to let me know how bad things were. My issue now is that Emily is telling stories that are scaring my younger children. She has them convinced that I am going to leave their mother and they will end up living on the streets or something. I don’t want to ask her to lie (although I do think some of her stories might be exaggerated), but I don’t need her stirring up trouble with the younger kids. What should I do?
—Distressed Dad
Dear Distressed Dad,
Emily has a precedent for the warnings she’s giving her siblings, and it’s one that you set for her when you divorced her mother and “fell out of contact with Emily” for years. She’s only telling them about her own experience with you and her mother who, by your own admission, you hadn’t spoken to since leaving their home. Your letter suggests a great deal of skepticism about what your oldest daughter has been through. That is stunning, since it seems like you would have remained willfully ignorant about whatever fates befell her and her mother if you hadn’t been forced by her mother’s passing to reestablish contact. How can you express such easy disbelief in your daughter without ever having confirmed her whereabouts or well-being before last year?
Rather than accusing Emily of “stirring up trouble” with your younger children, own up to your past decisions and the role they have played in Emily’s experiences and how she chooses to share them. Make sure that she receives professional support through counseling for grief, for any trauma-related conditions she may be suffering, as well as for parental neglect (and to be clear, you’re the parent who neglected her).
If you believe that you’ve changed between your first marriage and your second one, then demonstrate that for all of your children, not just the ones you have with your current wife. Once you do, Emily may have less reason to believe that you’ll repeat a pattern of abandonment, and your younger children won’t be so easily “convinced” that you’re capable of it.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/09/teens-secret-lives-social-media-tiktok-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
I have four kids, three school-aged kids with my wife and one older teenage daughter, “Emily,” from my first marriage. I had fallen out of contact with Emily after her mother and I divorced. Sadly her mother passed away last year, so she has moved in with my family. It seems that in the years between when I moved out and now, my ex and daughter fell on some hard times. I only have Emily’s word on this, but by her account, she and her Mom were homeless for a period of time, or lived with some suspect character, and generally dealt with a lot of financial insecurity. I feel badly about this, but Emily’s mother never reached out to let me know how bad things were. My issue now is that Emily is telling stories that are scaring my younger children. She has them convinced that I am going to leave their mother and they will end up living on the streets or something. I don’t want to ask her to lie (although I do think some of her stories might be exaggerated), but I don’t need her stirring up trouble with the younger kids. What should I do?
—Distressed Dad
Dear Distressed Dad,
Emily has a precedent for the warnings she’s giving her siblings, and it’s one that you set for her when you divorced her mother and “fell out of contact with Emily” for years. She’s only telling them about her own experience with you and her mother who, by your own admission, you hadn’t spoken to since leaving their home. Your letter suggests a great deal of skepticism about what your oldest daughter has been through. That is stunning, since it seems like you would have remained willfully ignorant about whatever fates befell her and her mother if you hadn’t been forced by her mother’s passing to reestablish contact. How can you express such easy disbelief in your daughter without ever having confirmed her whereabouts or well-being before last year?
Rather than accusing Emily of “stirring up trouble” with your younger children, own up to your past decisions and the role they have played in Emily’s experiences and how she chooses to share them. Make sure that she receives professional support through counseling for grief, for any trauma-related conditions she may be suffering, as well as for parental neglect (and to be clear, you’re the parent who neglected her).
If you believe that you’ve changed between your first marriage and your second one, then demonstrate that for all of your children, not just the ones you have with your current wife. Once you do, Emily may have less reason to believe that you’ll repeat a pattern of abandonment, and your younger children won’t be so easily “convinced” that you’re capable of it.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/09/teens-secret-lives-social-media-tiktok-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
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