Annie's Mailbox: Do people really think this way still?

[cereta]

Dear Annie: I met my husband in college. He was outgoing, handsome and a star athlete. We now have two beautiful babies and, I thought, a perfect marriage.

A month ago, we had dinner with a couple we've known for years. One of them said something about "bisexuals," to which I replied, "There is no such thing. You are either gay or straight." Everyone looked uncomfortable.

The next day, my husband told me said that he is bisexual. He said he'd had a relationship with another man in college before he met me. But he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about because he loves me and has no desire to be with anyone else of either sex.

Annie, I wish he'd never told me. I've been upset ever since. I believe my husband when he says he is not interested in anyone else, but I have to ask, is there really such a thing as "bisexual"? My sister says that is just what people claim before they come out as gay. And second, how can I trust my husband when he kept this secret from me for so long?

Please don't suggest counseling. My husband says there is nothing to "change" about him, although he says he will go if I insist. But what if we go and then, just like my sister says, this bisexual stuff is all bogus and he decides he is gay? I don't want to end our marriage. I just want to turn back the clock so I can think of my husband the way I did before. — Confused Wife

Dear Confused: Your sister is giving you damaging and incorrect information. Decades ago, people may have believed that one was either gay or straight, and that bisexuals were simply hiding their true selves, but this is no longer considered accurate.
We have come to understand that sexuality is more complicated and that some people are attracted to both sexes. And one's sexual orientation has nothing to do with remaining faithful to one's partner. Your husband is the same man you fell in love with. If you trust him, your marriage is solid.

Please look into PFLAG (pflag.org) which can offer information that will help you understand what's going on. But if you find that your marriage is floundering over this, consider counseling from someone who specializes in LGBT marriages and can address your specific concerns.

Comments

[recessional]

Yes. Yes people do still think like this.

A LOT of people still think like this.

A lot of NON-HETEROSEXUAL PEOPLE still think like this.

Ask me how I know. -.-

[cereta]

Sigh. I know this, I do. I was being stupidly optimistic.

[minoanmiss]

*laughs to keep from crying*
*agrees 110%*

[amadi]

If I had a dime for every monosexual gay person who's told me this, I could take myself out for a nice dinner and a movie. And not even a matinee when it's cheaper.

[recessional]

YUP.

[jadelennox]

My friend's brother: "There are no bisexuals. You are straight when you are having sex with a man, and gay when you are having sex with a woman."

My friend: "What about when I am having sex with both simultaneously?"

My friend's brother: "..."

[recessional]

AHAHAHA WIN.

[kaberett]

EXCELLENT.

[cereta]

Badabing!

[elialshadowpine]

... win.

/says the pansexual poly person

[cereta]

I remember saying once on a panel (I was the designated bisexual) that one of the reasons the bisexuality is invisible is that bisexual men are considered to be gay men just kidding themselves, and bisexual women are considered to be faking it to arouse men (because it always comes back to men).

Nonetheless, I have not seen someone repeat this stupidity publicly in over 20 years. LW, stop listening to your sister. She's a dumnbass.

[recessional]

Nonetheless, I have not seen someone repeat this stupidity publicly in over 20 years

I profoundly envy your good fortune.

[katarik]

I, like recessional, profoundly envy your good fortune, and hope to share in it eventually.

(Sister is a dumbass.)

[cereta]

I teach in a fairly progressive school, and my family pretends they don't know I'm bi. It's very possible that people there believe this, but they're not going to say it outright. I get more oblique statements to that effect, like the panelist after me mentioned his marriage to a woman and said, "That wasn't me being bisexual; it was me being a gay man who was scared." And looked right at me as he said it.

So I've gotten the feeling, but haven't had it said to my face in a long, long time.

[minoanmiss]

Wow, Mr. Panelist, what an asshole you were. I sincerely hope (but sadly doubt) he learned better.

I STG sometimes I want to use my bisexual invisibilty to be a pickpocket or something.

[delight]

I'm ace, my partner is bi and my BFF is also bi -- when the three of us went to a movie together, she joked that the tickets ought to be free because all three of us were invisible. *wry*

(I bought them on Fandango, so we'll never know ...)

[cereta]

The thing is, I don't think he particularly doubted that bisexuality exists, or that I was. He just...he can't stand anything that takes the focus off of gay men, even if he has to trample over other queer people in the process.

[rymenhild]

Yikes. The husband doesn't need counseling, but the LW does, because she is reacting profoundly hurtfully to her husband. Sister's behavior, while a problem, is a red herring; the issue here is that the wife is not believing her husband's lived experience.

[minoanmiss]

I was going to say this but not as well. This is something that's alwyas puzzzles me about humanity, that when we have an idea on one hand and an actual person's lived experience on the other we so often tell the person "you cannot exist" and adhere to the idea despite all evidence.

[synecdochic]

Letter writer aside, that was actually fairly decent advice!