agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: My mom has verbally and emotionally abused me since childhood. She has been in and out of mental health treatment, but never sticks around long when therapists or doctors start saying things she doesn’t want to hear (a.k.a. the truth). I have worked hard to be financially independent, live far away, and set boundaries I can live with so that I can still have a relationship with my dad, who I am very close to.

Long story short: I got engaged, my mom fought my fiance and me at every step of planning our wedding (no bridal shower — gasp! no registry — how could you?!, etc.) then the pandemic happened, we scrapped all those plans, and are throwing together an even more intimate gathering in my parents’ backyard.

I just told my family I plan to have only my dad walk me down the aisle, rather than both parents. My mom threatened to sabotage our entire wedding, end her own marriage to my father if he goes along with it, and through my sister — who we've taken to calling the hostage negotiator — issued a set of demands. Chief among those demands is for us to acknowledge that my mother feels “totally unloved, disrespected, unimportant, and unaccepted” and we should supply options for how to make her feel special and celebrated … at my wedding.

Any suggestions for handling that? We’d cancel the whole thing if it weren’t so important to have my dad there.

— Bride

Bride: I’m glad you’re not canceling the whole thing.

The way to handle this is to ignore it. Calmly and utterly. And to continue with your plans as if you have not been issued demands.

Your dad walks you down the aisle as planned, if he agrees to that. If your mom makes a scene, then have a designated person or two on standby to usher her away from the ceremony.

If your sister presses you to respond to your mother’s demands, then say thanks, you’re all set. As in, proceeding as planned. Whatever hell your mom unleashes on her for your actions is for your sister to manage, since she assumed the messenger risk — which she could have turned down. (Peacekeeping children of abusers, please give yourselves the gift of therapy.)

I am sorry for everyone, Mom included, that she hasn’t followed through with adequate treatment. This sentiment can coexist with your having your own wedding on your own terms.

Also coexisting: that your whole family sounds overdue to stop enabling your mom and that you can do only your part.

Congratulations to you and your fiance.

Readers' thoughts:

· I also had a very strained relationship with my mom. For years my brother played hostage negotiator — or at least tried. I refuse to negotiate with terrorists. Finally, he started telling mom he wasn’t going to be in the middle — and stuck his ground. His and my relationship got so much better without the albatross of my mom in the middle. So give your sister the freedom to disengage.

· You might explore in therapy why you are so attached to Dad. He may not be as obvious as Mom in his unwellness, but he picked her and continues to do so. He could come to you for a courthouse wedding.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/09/16/carolyn-hax-unstable-mom-wants-to-be-star-daughter-wedding/

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That poor LW. Only thing I'd change from this advice (including reader comments) is I wouldn't even advise them to tell sis "Thanks, I'm set", as that implies you listened to the message. I'd shut her off from the start with "When Mom wants to tell me something, she has my number."

You might explore in therapy why you are so attached to Dad. He may not be as obvious as Mom in his unwellness, but he picked her and continues to do so. He could come to you for a courthouse wedding.

YES THIS YES what has he been doing during all of these years and this wedding now?

Yeah, it's yikes. This honestly sounds like the background setup to one of those endless stories about someone realizing the extent of their trauma and eventually cutting off contact with half their family.

If this cruel mother ended her marriage to LW's father, would that be a bad thing for LW's father?

Some of the reasons it might be bad:

He might be sincerely attached to her.

There might be financial reasons (splitting assets is difficult even in an amicable breakup), and not everybody is always equipped to start a new life on their own, particularly after many years together. There might have been a prenup that would make things more difficult for one of the people involved.

They might both depend on the income or health care attached to one party.

Splitting up might change what any children would stand to inherit.

Reasons it might be good:

so many

so, so many

Edited 2021-09-19 07:37 (UTC)

All of this is true, but I wish the columnist had also addressed the choice to hold the wedding in the parents’ backyard. It may be the world’s nicest backyard, but it’s going to be a lot harder to escort mom off premises if she makes trouble if the premises remain mom’s home.

This. If LW wants to limit the mom's power to disrupt the wedding then it probably isn't a great idea to have the wedding at the mom's house.

This was my very first thought. If they're in the parents' back yard, there is no possibility of removing mom if she makes a scene. I'd honestly suggest getting a different venue, even if it requires postponing, and when Mom starts to throw fits and make threats, just say as evenly as possible, "I'm sorry to hear that, Mom. We'll miss you at the wedding, but of course, that's your choice."

Yes, this.

This. I don't understand this choice.