Dear Prudie: verbally abusive spouse

[cereta]

Dear Prudie,
My husband was recently laid off from his job and is trying to start his own company from home. I work from home half the week, so we now see each other much more frequently. The close quarters have not been good for us. Little things that never bothered him before now cause him to nag (I don't empty the dishwasher right away, or the laundry may pile up), which leads to blowout fights. Worst of all, he has become increasingly verbally abusive when we fight, insulting my intelligence, punching walls, and throwing things (although not at me). I'm starting to feel like a martyr because I have to apologize for every little transgression. When I told him this, he said I can't fault him for my faults. We just got married last month, and I'm not considering divorce, but I can't keep living like this. I understand he has a lot of stress, but my work is starting to suffer because of the constant pressure I am under from him. What can I do to make this situation better?

Dear Prisoner,
Your husband isn't trying to launch a movie production company called "Mel Gibson Pictures," is he? The stress of losing one's job, having no income, and trying to start a (likely unsuccessful) business is getting to a lot of Americans. Grinding fear can make even the mellowest person short-tempered. However, there's being snappish (and hopefully apologetic) and there's abuse, and your husband has crossed that line. There is no excuse for the kind of assault he is inflicting on you. (One question: Why can't Mr. Neatnik unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry himself?) He sounds potentially dangerous, and just an arm adjustment away from punching your jaw instead of the wall. Stop apologizing and start packing. You may even need someone to accompany you when you get your things and tell him you will no longer live in fear in your own home. Explain that if he doesn't start going to therapy or attending some kind of support group—have him look at the rageaholic Web site (Mel Gibson might be attending court-ordered sessions soon!)—you will start proceedings to dissolve your marriage. Nice line he spewed about not faulting him for your faults. Now he can contemplate how it's his fault that your marriage is about to come apart.

—Prudie

Comments

[cereta]

Score one for Prudie, up to and including mentioning that he could do the damn chores if they irritate him so much. Yeah, yeah, I work from home a lot. Slight sore spot.

[minoanmiss]

Damn.

Do you think I could send $20 via Prudie for this lady's move-out expenses? I want her to leave so badly it hurts.

[cereta]

Seriously.

[jo_lasalle]

I totally agree that she should get out, but I wonder how useful that is as advice to someone who's stated she's not even considering divorce. I admit I wouldn't know what to say either except 'omg get out' but if getting out isn't an option for whatever reason, there's not much the letter writer can do with the advice.

[pensnest]

You never know, maybe getting a much starker perspective than she expected will help her to see the situation and the husband a bit more clearly. She seems to be in apologetic mode (it's my fault, what can *I* do to make things better, hah!), so perhaps being told that her husband is *doing it wrong* might help.

I'm not convinced either, but.

[seperis]

I think the shock value of it is in itself useful; even if the woman's not considering divorce, the fact that Prudy put that up immediately may bring home more vividly how serious this is, that this situation is actual abuse and not just short-temperedness or something to gloss over.

At least, I hope the woman reads it like that and will put it on the table for consideration if she hasn't before.