Dear Abby: Life destroyed by wife's affair

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago when I was an Army officer, my wife "went crazy." She had an affair and wound up getting pregnant. When I got out of the Army, she saw the man one time more before we moved and got pregnant again! We had a child together later.

When I found out my eldest son didn't have the correct blood type, I confronted her and she admitted it. I then had all my children tested and realized only the last one is mine. I love the other two as well as my son, and I would not destroy his or the other boys' lives.

My wife and I had counseling and it helped some. The problem is, I feel like my life has been destroyed and I don't know what to do. -- COUNSELING HELPED ... BUT

DEAR C.H.B.: I assume you and your wife had joint counseling after you learned about her repeated infidelities. While your faith in women may have been shaken, your life has not been "destroyed." Feeling as you do, it's time for you to privately discuss your feelings with another licensed mental health professional. After that, you will be better equipped to rationally decide how to move forward.

Comments

[cereta]

I posted this here because of the second sentence of Abby's response. Why suggest that his faith in half the human race should be destroyed by one person's actions? If his letter said something to that effect, it would be one thing, but there's nothing there. I realize they trim letters, but if something about losing faith in women was trimmed, putting it in the advice seems...off, at least to me. Am I overreacting, here?

[ambyr]

No, I don't think you are. It pinged me as well. The letter-writer seems pretty clear that it's his faith in his wife that's been shaken, and I can't blame him for that.

[xenacryst]

Right there with you. That was the line that through me for a loop, too.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, although it also confuzzled me that it doesn't address talking to the children -- even to say "please talk to a social worker -- or better, adult children of infidelity -- before you decide whether and what to tell your kids."

Oh, unless "I would not destroy their lives" means 'I won't tell them ever.'

[cereta]

Eh, I actually disagree, there. If the blood types don't match, how devastated would the son would be if he found out after dad was gone, through some random medical test? I have Feelings on these things, admittedly.

[recessional]

Totally not to do with cereta's reason for posting, and also I mean I actually get where it's coming from given how crap our culture IS with this, but . . .

. . .they are his kids, damnit. He raised them, he shaped them, he loved them, they are his kids. His wife having made a huge, crappy mistake doesn't get to take that away from him.

/personal bugbear.

[fairestcat]

Yes, THIS.

[recessional]

And I mean it's pure speculation but I sort of wonder how much the feeling of life-destroyed he's getting is that it somehow seems like that is getting taken away, like in the sense of "I am now less their father" and that being kind of devastating. Because it could easily feel like losing two children except with like no narrative to help you figure out that's what the feeling is and stuff. If that makes any sense.

I just have really really strong feelings about this: you show up and do the work, your kids. You know?

[cereta]

I have Feelings on that, obviously, being adopted, and I almost mentioned it, but in this case, I let it slide, because he needed to differentiate the boys in the first part of the sentence. I took the second as just not thinking. If I heard him say it in person, I might gently mention it to him, but I don't think it necessarily reflects his feelings.

[shreena]

I agree - I think it's more that what was going on in his marriage was so radically different to what he thought. So, he'll have gone through "yay, how exciting, we're having a baby" with his wife and thought she had the same thought when actually she was probably thinking "Shit, I hope it doesn't look too much like the guy I had an affair with, should I tell him?" Twice.