![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Dear Amy: Why, yes. Yes, you are.
Dear Amy: My wife and I don't see eye to eye about what it means to have your spouse's back.
Our son is 21. He just had a baby with his girlfriend, who just turned 18. They live with her parents.
He left our house because he didn't want to live under our rules once he turned 18.
I spoke to the girlfriend's father, telling him not to let our son stay there. I wanted him to learn what it means to be out in the real world in order to humble him. Yet he let my son move in anyway, since he does whatever his wife and daughter tell him to do.
My wife and I both hate his girlfriend and the way she treats our son, but my wife plays along and is fake in her interactions with them just so she can stay in her son's life. I choose not to speak to them or set foot in their home.
My wife has now done both of those things, and I feel she's not showing loyalty to me. Is it too much to ask that she not set foot in their house? The other parents and I do not get along, and it has almost come to blows, yet my wife thinks it is OK to spend time in their home to see her son and grandson. The day of the baby's birth they were talking about me, but I just ignored it for my wife and son's sake. It was hard. My wife can't understand why I am upset about her being over there.
Am I right to feel like this — or am I being a jerk?
— Furious
Dear Furious: Because you asked, I will say that, yes, you are being a jerk. Yes, spouses should have each other's back. But here's the rub: You don't control the people in this drama. Your wife wants to have a relationship with her son and grandson. And because they evidently are not welcome in your home, she is doing what she needs to do to have that relationship.
You aren't willing to support her efforts, but you should understand her desire and "have her back" while she tries.
You cannot influence other people if you don't ever spend time with them. You say your son's girlfriend mistreats him, but she is there and you are not.
I don't believe that parents should let their children walk all over them, but the walls you have put up are too high to breach. I hope you will rethink your non-negotiables.
Our son is 21. He just had a baby with his girlfriend, who just turned 18. They live with her parents.
He left our house because he didn't want to live under our rules once he turned 18.
I spoke to the girlfriend's father, telling him not to let our son stay there. I wanted him to learn what it means to be out in the real world in order to humble him. Yet he let my son move in anyway, since he does whatever his wife and daughter tell him to do.
My wife and I both hate his girlfriend and the way she treats our son, but my wife plays along and is fake in her interactions with them just so she can stay in her son's life. I choose not to speak to them or set foot in their home.
My wife has now done both of those things, and I feel she's not showing loyalty to me. Is it too much to ask that she not set foot in their house? The other parents and I do not get along, and it has almost come to blows, yet my wife thinks it is OK to spend time in their home to see her son and grandson. The day of the baby's birth they were talking about me, but I just ignored it for my wife and son's sake. It was hard. My wife can't understand why I am upset about her being over there.
Am I right to feel like this — or am I being a jerk?
— Furious
Dear Furious: Because you asked, I will say that, yes, you are being a jerk. Yes, spouses should have each other's back. But here's the rub: You don't control the people in this drama. Your wife wants to have a relationship with her son and grandson. And because they evidently are not welcome in your home, she is doing what she needs to do to have that relationship.
You aren't willing to support her efforts, but you should understand her desire and "have her back" while she tries.
You cannot influence other people if you don't ever spend time with them. You say your son's girlfriend mistreats him, but she is there and you are not.
I don't believe that parents should let their children walk all over them, but the walls you have put up are too high to breach. I hope you will rethink your non-negotiables.
no subject
no subject