agonyaunt | (no subject)

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DEAR NATALIE: My mom became ill recently and my brother and I stepped in to help manage her finances, take care of her pets and look after things while she was in the hospital and recovering. My older sister, however, didn’t ask to help us at all with anything. Granted, she just had her first baby, but we all pitched in in different ways. She didn’t even seem that concerned about our mom. It really bothered me. It’s been a few months of this and I want to plan a family getaway with my husband and our two children. I need someone to step in while I’m away so that my brother can have a little break. I reached out to my sister about taking over for me while I am out of town and she told me that with mom being sick, it’s not a good time for me to travel. She didn't understand why I needed a break. She made no effort to say that she would help, either. I’m usually a laid back person, but I am disgusted with her. My brother said he just wants to keep the peace and he’ll handle things while I’m away, but I want her to know how selfish I think she is being. Do you think it is wrong of me for wanting to confront her? -ANGRY SISTER

DEAR ANGRY SISTER: I would be angry with her, too. You have every right to take a break from an incredibly draining situation, both emotionally and physically. You are allowed to vacation with your family. You are allowed to share the responsibility. Your sister may be really overwhelmed with her new responsibilities and just not sure how to express that in a constructive way to you. You may want to try reaching out and just ask to talk. Explain to her that you have been there and know what it is like as a new mom. Ask if she needs any support. After doing so, you may want to remind her that her own mom needs support right now, as well, and sharing the workload is making it more bearable for everyone. Even if she can’t physically support your mom, can she help organize food delivery, for example. Can she handle some of the logistical things that need sorted, or at the very least, can she reach out to your mom directly? I don’t know what her dynamic is with your mom, but not every child has the same experience with their parents. Try compassion first and see where that leads before you let loose on her.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2021/07/21

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Hate to say it to LW, but being recently postpartum is one of the few things that gets you out of almost anything. Sister's new baby trumps Mom's healthcare so long as there are other people can help. Which there are.

Not that it doesn't suck for LW! Who is absolutely entitled to respite! Aaaaaaand... some mental health care. Because LW needs to tell somebody about how angry she is at Sister, but telling Sister is unlikely to yield any useful results, and telling Mom or Brother is just a non-starter - those people have all the same hassles as LW, they don't need LW's feelings about it as well. LW needs to speak to somebody else.

In the meantime, sucky as it is, you actually can't force somebody to help their mother, even if they don't have a great excuse. (Which, again, Sister does.) LW would do better to just go low-contact with this irritating sibling and move on as though she doesn't even exist, because planning on her helping is never going to work. Since I doubt reasoning with Sister would work any better than Ranting at her or Crying and Making Passive Aggressive Facebook Posts, LW needs to simply do whatever she would do if she didn't have a big sister to take up the slack that Big Sister isn't taking up anyway.

Edited 2021-08-13 23:55 (UTC)

You deserve at least half of what the columnist got paid.

It's true, I do give excellent advice. Pity nobody ever takes it. (Though, to my credit, just this past year I took my own excellent advice!)

Hey, taking one's own advice can be the most difficult of all.

+1. The response leading with "I would be angry with her too" sort of partly overrides the main point, which is that your anger doesn't have any effect on how likely she is to do what you want. The answer perhaps includes the kind of things that it's most plausible someone could do long-distance, but it under-emphasizes the practical fact which you did a much better job of focusing on: she needs to focus on her mental health and what she can actually do.

This seems like grounded advice. By the looks of it it's two very difficult and overwhelming situations happening at the same time and I don't think there's anyone equipped to dealing with both childbirth and having a sick parent. That said, she could step in further once things have calmed down more and she's able to be more present? Or even do what is mentioned here: reaching out to her mom and/or siblings. LW definitely needs a break from the situation before the weight of it all collapses on her too, and it's unlikely she'd be able to have a good conversation with her sister if she herself is not doing well.

(deleted comment)

but that 'don't understand why LW needs a break' sounds to me like those people who just take for granted everyone else can and will take care of things and only they get tired and overwhelmed.

Yeah, I was just thinking of how to phrase this and here you already have.

Do we know anything about the elder sister's relationship with the mother? It seems like something we should be told.

Yeah, it's plausible that having a new baby is the full explanation for why she's not gonna take over like

conuly suggests, but there's always the possiblity that there's more to it. Of course ultimately the why is perhaps not as important as the LW's next steps for taking care of her mental health, but there are plenty of reasons, both good ones and bad ones, for why someone's boundaries may be set at a comparatively small amount of hands-on managing their parent's household and finances.

Edited 2021-08-14 10:20 (UTC)

Natalie did suggest that perhaps Mom was a terrible mother to Older Sister, and that possibly LW just doesn't realize what Sister's reasons are... but she suggested it so gently that I'm not sure LW will grasp what she was getting at at the end of her response there.

Alternatively, and Natalie didn't suggest this one but LW might think it, it's entirely possible that Sister has just always been selfish and the new baby doesn't help. Though if that's the case, I don't know why LW expected any assistance from her in the first place.

Those two options are not mutually exclusive.

What strikes me about this letter is the lack of communication between LW and her sister. LW and her brother are overwhelmed taking care of their mother, and LW expects their sister to pitch in. The sister may be just as overwhelmed taking care of her baby and perhaps takes it for granted that, as a new mother, she doesn't have the time or energy to help care for her mother.

They have all these assumptions and expectations going unsaid. That the sister doesn't understand why LW would need a break doesn't look good for the sister, but maybe she literally doesn't understand because they haven't discussed everything LW and her brother are doing for their mother.

LW, please do not tell your sister how selfish you think she is. I hope nobody ever calls me selfish for failing to meet an unasked request! Do have a conversation about how you both are doing, and please be prepared to listen as well as talk. You may be right about your sister, but you owe it to her—and yourself!—to give her a fair chance.

But LW did said she asked. Back when the mother got sick and now she's been taking the responsability for months. And, of course, if the sister doesn't want or is able to shoulder part of the burden they can't force her, but since she told LW they shouldn't take a break because of their mother's illness, the sister is too implying that since she can't/won't, LW has to.

I’m kind of flabbergasted at LW, and I think the response really soft-pedaled it. Sister. Just. Had. Her. First. Baby. And she obviously is not getting grandparent or auntie/uncle support, at least from her side. She is probably a sleep-deprived zombie at the moment.

LW has two kids (and probably did have grandparent/auntie/uncle support). Does she think Sis is magically going to find the energy to load up diaper bag and baby, and find two brain cells to rub together to take care of Mom’s business?

But I do agree they need to have a calm discussion about how much it’s taking for siblings to take care of Mom, and how much Sis is dealing with, with baby, so they can just mutually cut each other some slack.

Other commenters have covered the overall theme of the whole "new mother" issue, so I'm going to focus on a detail I found significant on rereading (emphasis mine):

I reached out to my sister about taking over for me while I am out of town and she told me that with mom being sick, it’s not a good time for me to travel. She didn't understand why I needed a break.

Sister being a new mother, and/or sister and mother not having the sort of relationship where it is a good idea for sister to deal with mother (and/or vice versa) are perfectly all right, but sister outright telling LW that she is essentially not allowed to need a break from caregiving for mother is another whole, and IMO pretty awful thing. It's one thing to say, "Sorry, I can't help, maybe you should try Care.com or something?" but it's another to say, in effect, "No, you're not allowed to take care of yourself and your own family even though I am allowed to take care of mine and leave you to care for our family of origin"! Like, sister can set her boundaries where she needs to and that's cool, but she's apparently telling LW that LW is not allowed to have her own boundaries and needs and that's the part that is not okay about sister's behavior, at least to me. And by not okay, I mean, see my icon.

I think it's equally likely that Sister panicked when (she perceived that?) the LW voluntold her to help out, panicked, and said "no I can't and won't help right now/at all" in the worst way she possibly could.

I agree; the "voluntold" vibes are strong in this one.

I want to know more about sister's relationship with mom.

However, even if their relationship is great? And even if she didn't have a a new baby?

Sister would have the right to not help out if she didn't want to help out, for any reason she has or even a preference to not be a caretaker for another adult.

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