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Two letters to Amy with missing missing reasons
Dear Amy: I am a woman in my 70s. I do not understand why women in their 30s think they can treat their elders with disrespect.
I had two unkind mothers-in-law but I wouldn’t have dreamed of being rude to them or “telling them off” because they were my elders — the mothers of my husbands, and the grandmothers of my children and grandchildren.
I was taught to show respect to elders and, unless someone was abusive to me or others, to allow other elders to correct the children, if needed.
Is this a generational thing, that young family members can be rude to us, take offense about petty issues, and ignore or refuse to speak to us even after we have apologized for the smallest “offense”?
I have several friends who are experiencing the same issues with their daughters-in-law.
We are kind and compassionate elders who are not unreasonable, demanding, or mean. We are not difficult people, having lived long lives of being respectful to co-workers, family members, friends, neighbors and strangers. We are the first to acknowledge our flaws and apologize.
I have taught women’s classes on assertiveness in my profession, but this is not assertiveness. It is aggression.
I’d appreciate your thoughts.
– Disrespected
Dear Disrespected: I do think you’re onto something regarding tension between millennials and boomers. It certainly surfaced during the pandemic, when (by my observation) millennials sought to control their parents, who – in their opinion – were not taking risks to themselves and others seriously enough.
I have been surprised both by the selfishness displayed by the elders, as well as the controlling and rude reactions of the youngers.
Both sides justify their behavior, and neither admits that they should perhaps behave differently.
However, both of your mothers-in-law were unkind. You consider it a badge of honor that you tolerated their mistreatment. Where is the glory in that?
Your female relatives in their 30s feel personal pressure to be all things to all people (their children, parents, partners, supervisors). Their worries and anxieties are often global in nature, reflecting frustration with elders who they believe deny the realities of climate change, racism, or a global pandemic.
So yes – they are fed up, and they’re not going to take it anymore. And yes, they are mistaking rudeness and aggression for assertion.
However, as women who have fought to have their voices heard, sometimes their voices are louder than necessary, or louder than you would like.
And – until the pendulum swings back again — that’s just the way it goes.
My recommendation for you is to try to engage in honest dialogue and continue to behave respectfully because that is who you are.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2552180?fs
****
Dear Amy: I have been trying to figure out how to deal with family members that decide to cut off all communication with me without explanation.
One episode happened with my niece, who is in her 30s.
The last thing I said to her was, "Would you like to come over to visit?"
Her response was, "Why do people keep trying to make me do things that I don't want to do?" And that was the last time she talked to me.
She blocked me from her social media and hasn't responded to any text message or phone calls.
It has been almost three years.
Just a few months ago my youngest sister out of nowhere cut me off from her social media.
I asked her why and she said, "I don't want to share my life with you right now."
I asked what I did or said and she said, "I'm asking for some space."
It has been almost four months since that happened.
I've asked my other sister and our mother what I did, and they’ve responded that they don't know.
This sister recently traveled to our area and when she was visiting with my mother she wouldn't allow me, my husband or any of our children to go over to my mother's house.
My mother allowed her to take this control.
My children were upset that they weren't allowed to visit their grandmother.
I still have no idea what I did that caused any of this.
My little sister still talks to our two other sisters.
This is really hard for me because I'm 20 years older than this sister and I was like a second mom to her. I did so much for her growing up. Up until recently we were close, or so I thought.
What did I do?
– In the Dark
Dear In the Dark: Insisting on distance when there is discomfort (or conflict) seems to be built in to the basic emotional operating system for some families.
In your family’s case, your mother’s choice to give in to your sister’s control over who visits her own household speaks volumes.
The passive-aggressive silencing technique and avoidance might extend back into previous generations.
You are obviously bugging these younger family members, and my instinct is that if you are substantially older than they are, and if you see yourself as a mother figure to them, you are most likely weighing in on their choices and intruding on social media, where the tone of a comment or reply can easily be misunderstood.
This is – at best – uncool. At worst, it is intrusive and embarrassing.
Your sister has asked for “some space,” and you should respect her request and give her space.
And because your family members are both volatile and avoidant, you should review your own tone on social media and elsewhere and consider doing things differently.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2549321?fs
I had two unkind mothers-in-law but I wouldn’t have dreamed of being rude to them or “telling them off” because they were my elders — the mothers of my husbands, and the grandmothers of my children and grandchildren.
I was taught to show respect to elders and, unless someone was abusive to me or others, to allow other elders to correct the children, if needed.
Is this a generational thing, that young family members can be rude to us, take offense about petty issues, and ignore or refuse to speak to us even after we have apologized for the smallest “offense”?
I have several friends who are experiencing the same issues with their daughters-in-law.
We are kind and compassionate elders who are not unreasonable, demanding, or mean. We are not difficult people, having lived long lives of being respectful to co-workers, family members, friends, neighbors and strangers. We are the first to acknowledge our flaws and apologize.
I have taught women’s classes on assertiveness in my profession, but this is not assertiveness. It is aggression.
I’d appreciate your thoughts.
– Disrespected
Dear Disrespected: I do think you’re onto something regarding tension between millennials and boomers. It certainly surfaced during the pandemic, when (by my observation) millennials sought to control their parents, who – in their opinion – were not taking risks to themselves and others seriously enough.
I have been surprised both by the selfishness displayed by the elders, as well as the controlling and rude reactions of the youngers.
Both sides justify their behavior, and neither admits that they should perhaps behave differently.
However, both of your mothers-in-law were unkind. You consider it a badge of honor that you tolerated their mistreatment. Where is the glory in that?
Your female relatives in their 30s feel personal pressure to be all things to all people (their children, parents, partners, supervisors). Their worries and anxieties are often global in nature, reflecting frustration with elders who they believe deny the realities of climate change, racism, or a global pandemic.
So yes – they are fed up, and they’re not going to take it anymore. And yes, they are mistaking rudeness and aggression for assertion.
However, as women who have fought to have their voices heard, sometimes their voices are louder than necessary, or louder than you would like.
And – until the pendulum swings back again — that’s just the way it goes.
My recommendation for you is to try to engage in honest dialogue and continue to behave respectfully because that is who you are.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2552180?fs
Dear Amy: I have been trying to figure out how to deal with family members that decide to cut off all communication with me without explanation.
One episode happened with my niece, who is in her 30s.
The last thing I said to her was, "Would you like to come over to visit?"
Her response was, "Why do people keep trying to make me do things that I don't want to do?" And that was the last time she talked to me.
She blocked me from her social media and hasn't responded to any text message or phone calls.
It has been almost three years.
Just a few months ago my youngest sister out of nowhere cut me off from her social media.
I asked her why and she said, "I don't want to share my life with you right now."
I asked what I did or said and she said, "I'm asking for some space."
It has been almost four months since that happened.
I've asked my other sister and our mother what I did, and they’ve responded that they don't know.
This sister recently traveled to our area and when she was visiting with my mother she wouldn't allow me, my husband or any of our children to go over to my mother's house.
My mother allowed her to take this control.
My children were upset that they weren't allowed to visit their grandmother.
I still have no idea what I did that caused any of this.
My little sister still talks to our two other sisters.
This is really hard for me because I'm 20 years older than this sister and I was like a second mom to her. I did so much for her growing up. Up until recently we were close, or so I thought.
What did I do?
– In the Dark
Dear In the Dark: Insisting on distance when there is discomfort (or conflict) seems to be built in to the basic emotional operating system for some families.
In your family’s case, your mother’s choice to give in to your sister’s control over who visits her own household speaks volumes.
The passive-aggressive silencing technique and avoidance might extend back into previous generations.
You are obviously bugging these younger family members, and my instinct is that if you are substantially older than they are, and if you see yourself as a mother figure to them, you are most likely weighing in on their choices and intruding on social media, where the tone of a comment or reply can easily be misunderstood.
This is – at best – uncool. At worst, it is intrusive and embarrassing.
Your sister has asked for “some space,” and you should respect her request and give her space.
And because your family members are both volatile and avoidant, you should review your own tone on social media and elsewhere and consider doing things differently.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2549321?fs