(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: Back-seat drivers are an absolute pet peeve of mine. I have been driving for 20 years, and I've never been in an accident, except one time when I hit a mailbox with my sideview mirror, and never had a ticket, except that one time in upstate New York.

I'm not an aggressive driver. I let people into my lane all the time. I don't try to drive fast, but I am busy (and frequently late to things) and do try to keep up with the other cars around me.

However, from the way some friends react when they're in my car, you'd think I'm Danica Patrick. And my husband is the worst. He constantly makes comments: "Stop tailgating." "Slow down." "You're driving really fast." And when he's not verbalizing his thoughts, I can see him bracing for impact by grabbing the handle above the car door.

People's constant feedback about my driving is getting on my last nerve. How can I instill in them the confidence to enjoy the ride when I am behind the wheel? — Driving Me Crazy

Dear Driving: Well, you can start by being a better driver, because I doubt everyone who rides in your car is overreacting. You're sending your passengers into survival mode, and they're blurting things out in self-defense, not picking on you.

Consider enrolling in a defensive driving class for adults. Many insurance companies even offer discounts for completing such courses.

At the very least, I suggest you revisit the basics of driver's ed: Adjust your mirrors (while the car is still parked) to avoid blind spots; leave a car length in front of you for every 10 miles per hour of speed, etc. And leave the house earlier so you're not in such a rush to get places.

Those back-seat drivers will gladly hand over their keys, so to speak, once they see that you can steer them to safety.

https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/08/21/a-friend-in-debt-cea59

Comments

[conuly]

Why do these people even let LW drive?

[ashbet]

Ah — see, I’m reading this as someone whose controlling ex-husband aggressively criticizes and backseat-drives to the point that I once left him at a highway rest stop (briefly), because he could not be respectful, and it’s VERY distracting to the driver!!

If everyone who rides in the LW’s car has the same reaction, that’s one thing — but it sounds like the husband is the main culprit.

(I’m a very safe driver who hasn’t had an accident since I was 18, and that was due to another driver making an illegal U-turn around a blind curve. So that’s 30 years of driving, total.)

[conuly]

LW refers to "people" and then says that Husband is the worst... but it's possible that this is because Husband is also more likely to be in a car with LW than other people. Also, they're married.

At any rate, LW can't control other people. Either they need to seriously re-evaluate their driving OR they need to stop being the driver when those other people are sharing the ride. If they also need to reconsider their marriage, that's also on them.

[ashbet]

I’m just curious if other people are taking their cues from the husband.

[gingicat]

I mean, my Dad is also a safe driver statistically, but when we were in stop-and-go traffic a few years ago I gave myself a horrible headache from clenching my teeth.

[feldman]

My mother is a panicky backseat driver, because she has trauma from an accident in her 20's. I chauffer her differently, because an upset passenger is also a safety hazard. Taking your passenger's comfort into account is part of good driving.

If it's just the husband, and he's controlling or manipulative in other areas, or he's critical because he thinks the man should drive, that's a different story.

If multiple people have issues with your driving, then you may be taking risks they aren't comfortable with, and that's valid criticism no matter how spotless your record. I've seen plenty of idiots play checkers on the road trusting everyone else's mirrors and brakes, and half of us see you coming, and drive around you, but one day your luck will run out.

[ambyr]

LW's ask strikes me as unreasonable. It would be one thing to ask "How can I convince them to refrain from making audible comments on my driving"--to request a change in action--but "How can I instill in them the confidence to enjoy the ride when I am behind the wheel?" is trying to change their emotional state. LW: people get to feel how they feel, and how they feel when you're driving is apparently "frightened." This may not even have anything to do with you specifically! Some people find transport by car stressful, period. If seeing them flinch and brace for impact is distressing to you, maybe focus on watching the road instead.

[jadelennox]

I feel like there's not enough information, here. LW certainly sounds like they're probably a bad driver, but if they're mostly angry about Husband, then he could just be an asshole, or controlling, or just nervous as a passenger.

[conuly]

As a pedestrian I've come to the conclusion that a. most people are crap drivers and b. when they mess up so bad nobody can deny it, so long as nobody got *hurt* they're keen to blame the other person.

Lack of crashes only proves that most people are lucky, not that they're good drivers. Unfortunately, all those times that they didn't crash reinforce their delusion that they're good at this driving gig, when they're not.

[bikergeek]

I'm assuming LW is a woman because they refer to a "husband" and likens themselves to Danica Patrick. Women being incompetent drivers is, unfortunately, a misogynist stereotype that is still held by a lot of men, and possibly by LW's husband.

Other than that, given that so many people are complaining, yeah, I'm inclined to believe that her driving really is an issue rather than it's an issue with one or two passengers engaging in unwarranted kvetching.

Longshot here, but she says she's always late to things. She should maybe have herself screened for ADD, maybe after seeing if she exhibits some other symptoms? I wonder whether the behavior that's scary to her passengers doesn't come from aggressive driving but rather inability or failure to focus on driving. If LW has been driving for 20 years, then she's well into adulthood, in her mid to late 30s. When she was in school, referral for AD(H)D screening commonly targeted kids whose academic performance was poor or who were disruptive or unable to focus in class. The set of people with ADD is much larger than that, and I've seen some stories from people who did well in school but failed at "adulting" to one degree or another once the rigid school environment no longer enforced structure on their lives. Once they were diagnosed and took appropriate medication it made a huge difference in their lives. This could be something that could be helped by appropriate medication.

[resonant]

Driving is one of those areas (drinking is another one) where you say "Could you do this one thing differently?" and people hear "You are bad and inferior unless you can get me to take it back and say you were right all along."

So I like your approach and the idea that "an upset passenger is also a safety hazard."

Just because I can take this road at 10 over the speed limit and feel perfectly safe doesn't mean I have to take this road at 10 over the speed limit if my passengers are [timid people] [not as familiar with every twist and turn as I am] [freaking out because they can tell my mood is affecting my driving even though I deny it].

[ellen_fremedon]

Some people find transport by car stressful, period.

*raises hand*

I have gotten panic attacks as a passenger for as long as I can remember (and have never learned to drive for that reason), and they have nothing to with the actual safety of the driving--or with any feeling of fear on my part; I've been in truly terrifying near-misses that didn't trigger them.

My most reliable trigger is long, gentle curves that intersect low hillsides, at moderate highway speeds. That's not something I can ask drivers to avoid.

(I think it's probably an inner ear thing? The moment I get the sense of pulling in two dimensions at once, my whole body just nopes out. I can't do roller coasters either.)

[topaz_eyes]

As someone who didn't learn to drive until I was over 30, I agree. Where I live we have graduated licensing laws for new drivers. But once the driver has a full license, they don't need to be road-tested again until they're 75 or 80. That's plenty of time to pick up bad habits while still believing they're above average.

[cereta]

I thought about this, but then I thought about how seldom spouse and I are both in the car with other people besides the Teenager. U.S. car culture being what it is, people are far more likely to meet those they don't live with somewhere unless there's a reason to share rides. Usually, when I have other adults in the car, it's because one or the other of us either shouldn't or doesn't want to drive.

[azurelunatic]

My partner was an extremely scary driver when we got together, but has improved considerably. It took them a lot of personal work to accept that I was genuinely terrified and not just criticizing to criticize (partly due to Fun Cultural Things, partly due to their ex's constant onslaught of emotional abuse). They also took it badly when I would grab for the handle to avoid getting tossed around on corners.

One "fun" aspect of ADHD can be the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, when even relevant negative feedback sets off an emotional spiral of Social Doom, because surely that person must HATE ME FOREVER. The other side of that coin can be to reject all negative feedback as invalid.

[beable]

*mind blown* I wonder if thats why I find driving in gentle pretty vistas like that a lot of visually hard and stressful work to process my surroundings?

I just thought it was a visual/depth perception thing but I also have major issues with motion sickness when I’m a passenger (omg airplanes gently circling while waiting to land are the most awful) so I wonder if both are inner ear / motion sickness things.

[kelly_holden]

god yes. I've been taking driving 'lessons' from an older friend of mine because I need hours behind the wheel, but she's not a good driver herself, and she has definitely given me advice that was bad. My mum said she passed her test with only a few hours of paid instruction, so the tests must have much less stringent back when the Boomers were getting their licences, and the youngest of those are over a decade away from being re-assessed. (Mum can't teach me herself because she had a stroke.)

[laurajv]

ayuh. _technically_ my mom has only been in one accident in 50+ years of driving.

_actually_ she is a terrifying person to drive with & the only reason no one is dead at her hands is OTHER DRIVERS paying attention