Dear Abby: Dueling Thanksgivings

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been hosting Thanksgiving for most of my married life -- 44 years. When my children married, I told them we could celebrate all the holidays whenever and wherever they chose, but I wanted Thanksgiving.

Two years ago, my daughter-in-law asked to spend Thanksgiving with her parents and sister, and I reluctantly agreed. Her mom was battling cancer, so I said she could have Thanksgiving with her parents.

This year I received an email that SHE will be hosting it at her house with her parents and hoped we would come! I was upset that she didn't even discuss this with me. I sent her an email back saying I would like to have Thanksgiving at my house and she and her parents were invited. I haven't heard from her and I'm afraid she's mad. Frankly, I don't want to go to her house, but I don't want to alienate my son and two grandkids.

I don't see a compromise here that will please everyone. Do you? -- UNTHANKFUL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNTHANKFUL: Yes, I do. Because your daughter-in-law has made it plain that she would like to establish some Thanksgiving traditions of her own, you should now graciously discuss alternating the celebration with her.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, reading your letter, I cannot imagine why your daughter-in-law might not want to spend Thanksgiving at your house.

[recessional]

This is one where on the one hand I actually really sympathise with the "this is MY holiday it's really important to me" . . .

. . . but sorry, lady, you still don't get to tell other people what to do, and you definitely don't get to DECIDE for them, and your d-i-l is free to do what she pleases, so either keep hosting "your" thanksgiving and realize that that child and his family may or may not attend, or share. Your choice.

[kaberett]

tbh I'd be more with you on this if she weren't making such a point of having reluctantly (yet, presumably, magnanimously) granted permission to a grown adult who is not beholden to her to spend a Ritually Significant Time with said adult's own damn family when said family included Significant Illness. Like -- the total lack of... idk, the absolute conviction that she is entitled to have her children spend Thanksgiving with her, specifically, even if (and the fact that it doesn't seem to have occurred to her that this might be the case) the families her children marry into feel equally strongly about it -- that makes me twitch.

The letter just... really strikes me as being written by someone who utterly fails to grasp that people other than her have complex interiorities and priorities and desires that do not all revolve around making her happy, at least as far as this thing she's decided to be stubborn about goes.

[kaberett]

i.e. I absolutely agree with you on "sorry, lady", but I fail at the sympathy part because I'm too busy staring at what an utter self-involved shit she was (and appears to still be being) about dil's mother's illness.

[korafox]

"Reluctantly" stood out to me, also. I think you're spot on with this analysis and wish the LW would sign up for a course in basic empathy.

[cereta]

Seriously.

[madripoor_rose]

Ugh, that's about as self centered as a gyroscope.

[fox]

You said
and she
but then
and you
wait, WHAT?!

A small, secret, mean part of me hopes the daughter-in-law gets all the other kids and the father-in-law, and the mother-in-law is stuck at home with green bean casserole and gluey store-bought stuffing.

[neotoma]

'reluctantly agreed'... to your d-i-l spending important family time with a possibly dying parent.

W T F ?!

That's a situation where you say "Oh, of course. We'll miss you, obviously, and let me know if there is anything I can do to help you." Because that's what decent human beings do when their loved ones have a family emergency -- they are supportive, to the best of their ability and capacity.

[vass]

Yeah, this.

It sounds like LW doesn't really want to see even her son and grandchildren for Thanksgiving, unless it is at her house. She doesn't want to alienate them, but the ritual of seeing them and spending time with them over a holiday is not important to her unless it is her holiday, her way.

With bonus:

I sent her an email back saying I would like to have Thanksgiving at my house and she and her parents were invited. I haven't heard from her and I'm afraid she's mad. Frankly, I don't want to go to her house, but I don't want to alienate my son and two grandkids.

"I'm afraid she's mad," in this particular context, suggests to me that LW is very not okay with conflict, or with other people expressing their emotions. I suspect this whole 44 year streak of Thanksgiving has been an exercise in very gendered emotional labour and covert management of her emotions and expectations. Don't do that, it'll upset your grandmother. Darling, if you don't do the RSVP on time, I'm the one who's going to get in trouble. And I need you to pick up some sweetened condensed milk for the pie she wants us to bring. No, the other brand, it has to be that brand. She'll know. She'll know, and she'll apologise to everyone for me at dessert.

Also, "her house". It's not her son's house, it's not her grandchildren's house, it's just her daughter in law's house. Her son and grandchildren just live there, and sooner or later they'll come home to her where they belong.

[recessional]

Oh I don't disagree: I just sympathise with the FEELING of "but it's MY holiday!" And, well. I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

A sensible grownup then weighs this intense feeling against, you know, BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING, which is where she is Fail.

[kaberett]

ha yes.

[amadi]

I also understand "this is my holiday, it's important to me" because this is a thing within my family too, and also around Thanksgiving.

But holidays, no matter how important, aren't more important than people. The only reason why holidays mean anything at all is the people. You could fix a big Thanksgiving dinner with every imaginable trimming, but without people to share it with, it's just a table full of food you won't be able to eat all of before it makes you sick, or rots, or both. Mommy Dearest would do well to understand that. The world doesn't revolve around her and her desires, and her family isn't required to continue to humor her until she's in her grave. Circumstances change. Understand your priorities and adjust as needed, or enjoy being alone, bitter and alienated from the people you're supposed to love.

[sathari]

...I feel like I'm your giddy fangirl on this comm, honestly, because this is like the fifth time that all I can say is "YES THIS" in response to a comment of yours!

I too get the "it's MY holiday" primal stuff, I have it myself! And yet... the whole thing with holidays is that they are likely to be primal stuff for lots of other people who come from similar cultural backgrounds, and so there is necessary give and take and acceptance and empathy for the fact that other people, too, have primal stuff around these shared special times!

(And then I get into flail about how LW had problems with DIL wanting to be with her mom who had a big-name-health-issue--- surely LW would expect her own offspring to want to be with her if she were in a similar situation? And really not wanting to go to DIL's--- and son's! and grandchildren's!--- home--- and I am feeling like LW needs to talk this one out with a trained professional regarding stuff like what Thanksgiving means to her, really, because I am going off speculating in all directions about those things but they sound like the stuff of which talk therapy is made regardless of what they are.)

[sathari]

Gotta dissent slightly here:

The only reason why holidays mean anything at all is the people.

True for some combinations of people and holidays; not always the case for everyone about every holiday. (For me, in fact, New Year's Day and at least one day somewhere around my birthday are VERY MUCH about setting that day aside without other people around to do exactly what I want when I want all by me onesie without having to think about anyone else's happiness, in fact, lol!) But it VERY MUCH sounds like this is the opposite for how LW feels about Thanksgiving--- au contraire, she's all about getting her relations gathered round her--- so, you're spot-on for this case.