the question is reasonable. the answer is something else.

[laurajv]

How can I tell my partner how I feel about her history of sex work without her feeling judged?

.

I fell in love with a wonderful woman who used to do pornography and other sex work. I think of myself as progressive and I don’t want to pass judgment on anyone for their past. I think women who do sex work deserve respect. But I was raised in a very conservative Christian household, so my views on sexuality were rooted in modesty and shame. I love our sex lifeand she is my best friend. But I find myself feeling jealous or insecure about her past and I worry that I will let these feelings ruin an amazing relationship. How can I talk to her about my internal struggles without making her feel judged? How can I work through these feelings and find acceptance and security within myself? I know my feelings are wrong, but I don’t know how to overcome them and love her the way she truly deserves to be loved.

Feelings are never right or wrong. They just exist. Accept them as valid and ask her to do so as well. It is natural to have some jealousy or insecurity about a partner’s past, no matter what that might have been. I imagine she expects that you may harbour some of the feelings you describe, so if you think it will help to share them with her then perhaps you should. Ideally, start by reaffirming your positive feelings for her, then tell her your issues. Be sure to follow that by asking her for something you need – explanations, reassurances? Identify what help she could give and then ask specifically for it. It is always best to follow what could be taken as a criticism or complaint with a request that – if granted – could rectify the situation.

Comments

[laurajv]

LIKE. Maybe this guy needs to talk to a therapist! Lots of guys might have these feelings that are at odds with their beliefs, want to get past them, and be trying to figure it out! There's an indictment in there of our fucked up culture and this guy is trying to get past it! Maybe after sorting his feelings with a therapist he might be able to have a conversation with his girlfriend! But just -- what the hell is that answer. That answer is basically "nah just go ahead and make your girlfriend your emotional dumping ground" and I hope the guy is aware enough not to take the advice because good god.

[cereta]

Seriously, my first response is that they have the questions backwards: it should be, "How do I come to terms with how my background is still influencing my feelings about things and stop feeling a way I don't want to feel?" and then maybe "How do I discuss this with her?"

[ashbet]

Silk Ring Theory — dump outward.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

The girlfriend is not the appropriate person for him to process these feelings with (a therapist would be ideal.)

Once the LW has their shit together, they can DISCLOSE that they’ve been working on exorcising some feelings of jealousy and insecurity based in large part on their upbringing — that’s part of honest communication.

But their partner should not be put in the position of having to comfort and reassure them while they work through and process all of this, especially since it would be hard not to spew a bunch of judgmental, blame/shame stuff about her past.

[raine]

Precisely. Telling the girlfriend could be a disaster of epic proportions.

[firecat]

I'm looking for evidence that the LW is a man, but not finding any. Did I miss something?

[mommy]

I respect that LW is self-aware enough to know that their feelings could hurt their partner and that their problem is an internal one. Finding a suitable therapist who can help LW chip away at the unwanted beliefs and assumptions that they grew up in is probably the first step here, with "tell your girlfriend about your feelings" sitting at around step three or four.