Ask Amy: Wife with no name resists erasure

[melannen]

Dear Amy: My husband, “Calvin” and I have been together for 18 years. We’ve been married for two years. In most ways we get along great. We have many things in common, and enjoy each other’s company.

One thing that has continually bothered me is that Calvin never uses my first name! Mostly he addresses me as nothing, or sometimes as “Honey.” He used to whistle or snap his fingers when he wanted my attention, until I pointed out that I was not a dog, and he stopped.

I have a perfectly normal name, which I am fond of!

I have tried on several occasions to talk to him about it. I asked if he doesn’t like my name, or if my name reminds him of someone he dislikes. He weasels out of the conversation every time I bring it up.

He offers no explanation for why he refuses to use my name. I have asked him to use my name, at least sometimes but he only tried it once.

Why would someone do this? Does it show a lack of respect toward me? Should I give up the struggle since it’s been going on for 18 years? I just don’t get it.

– Not Nameless Wife

Dear Not Nameless: I don’t get it, either. But I also don’t get how you could be with someone for 16 years – and then marry him – if he refused to use your name.

I’m imagining your wedding vows: “I take you …. over there … to be my lawfully wedded wife.” And how does he introduce you to others? (“Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Honey.”

How would he verbally identify you to an ambulance driver or a physician in case of an emergency?

Your husband has proven that he can respond successfully to negative reactions. When he snapped his fingers or whistled at you (wow, how disrespectful is that?) and you pointed out that this was unacceptable, he stopped.

His behavior does show a lack of respect: It is passive-aggressive and quite literally denies your existence as an individual with a specific name. To me, this seems like something of an erasure.

When human beings choose partners, it is affirmative and loving to find large and small ways to respect a partner’s preferences, thereby removing little triggers that might make them feel less-than. I assume you have done this for your partner over the years; he has not.

I suggest that you stop trying to understand this, and insist that he call you by name. Give him positive reinforcement when he does, and don’t respond when he doesn’t. (And, please, if he calls you “nothing,” then your response should also be nothing.)

If that doesn’t work and you want to stay with him (you obviously do), then, yes, accept it, and hope that he can manage to identify you correctly in an emergency.

Comments

[melannen]

This one was so wtf that my mother read it out loud to me from the actual paper newspaper.

1. Why did you marry him??
2. I really hope you broke him of the snapping-his-fingers habit very, very quickly, or the question becomes why did you date him at all??
3. You said he's called you by your name at least twice, so the problem isn't that he didn't catch your name on the first date and eighteen years in it's way, way too awkward to ask what it is, which is too bad because I like that solution. (I was going to suggest writing him a love note and making sure you sign your name very legibly.)
4. What do you think are the odds that he has more than one wife/girlfriend and he does this with all of them to reduce the risk of slipping up and using the wrong name?

[watersword]

4. What do you think are the odds that he has more than one wife/girlfriend and he does this with all of them to reduce the risk of slipping up and using the wrong name?

This is absolutely where my mind went as well, along with the accompanying scene in the murder mystery where the double life is revealed, complete with identical duplicate houses, wardrobes, etc.

[conuly]

Trufax, that's what happened to my aunt. Well, not the murder, but after her father died they found out he had a whole second family. Something like 15 kids between the two of them, and apparently after that dust settled she speaks to some of her half-siblings more often than some of her full ones.

[movingfinger]

"4. What do you think are the odds that he has more than one wife/girlfriend and he does this with all of them to reduce the risk of slipping up and using the wrong name?"

Suzanne Vega agrees!

"Each time your sweetie calls you dear, maybe you should wonder:
Are they just trying to avoid a social blunder?"

[cereta]

On the one hand, spouse and I very seldom address each other by name, and usually only when we're trying extra hard to get the other's attention. We mostly use "sweetie" or "hon," although both have gotten a little more complicated since the Teenager first entered our lives (we also often refer to her by pet names, my usual being "angel face").

HOWEVER,and this is a big however, this is a situation that we're all fine with. LW clearly is not. That, to me at least, is the core issue. She has asked him to so something, something relatively easy to do. He has not done so. That's a dealbreaker.

[purlewe]

THIS.

If you want to be called by a certain name and the person you love refuses to do it that is a HUGE dealbreaker.

[ashbet]

I am 100% a “love, sugar, honey, baby, [ridiculous nickname]” person — I often address my adult daughter as “Hey, Pod” — but I would 100% use only my partner’s name to address them if they strongly preferred it and asked me to.

This dude is being shitty and passive-aggressive, if the LW has been even half as clear about expressing her wishes as she has been here.

[purlewe]

yeah my wife and I call each other by nicknames often. But we also call each other but our actual names. As well as use each others actual names when talking to others. (not something she mentioned but I wonder about that as well. does he not use her name when referring to her to others?)

I like how you phrased "if LW has been even half as clear about expressing her wishes" bc if my wife expressed something similar I would be bending over backward to correct a slight if she felt it.

[ashbet]

OMG, yes, I absolutely introduce and refer to my partners and daughter by name, I can't even imagine "And this is my wife. [silence]"

(That reminds me of the whole "This is my wife, Mrs. Manslastname" thing, or even worse, "Mrs. John Manslastname." I am Not A Fan of that tradition/construction.)

*eyetwitch*

[korafox]

Indeed--I can't think of the last time Husband addressed me using my name (or vice versa). It is "sweetie" all around in our household. It would feel really weird to actually call him by his name.

But, y'know, I'm not an "I love you" person either and I figured out how to do that because it was important to my partner. :/

[shirou]

My wife calls me "sweetie," and I call her "lieverd," which is basically the same in Dutch. We rarely use names. We also do not whistle or snap (!) at one another.

[dorothean]

I am very bad at remembering people’s names and also at small talk and other conversational conventions, so I (think I) address people by their names in conversation far less frequently than is normal.

But!!! I call my husband by his name all the time, because I know his name really well and I love him and it makes me happy to say it!—a happiness emphasized by how not awkward I feel about saying his name compared with saying nearly all other human beings’ names.

I don’t get this fellow at all.

[starfleetbrat]

This almost sounds like something psychological. Like, I am no expert at all. But sometimes people have trouble saying someone's name out loud due to trauma. So I wonder if there is something here that LW doesn't know about or perhaps, as if often the case with these letters, is leaving out.

[melannen]

I was wondering if it was something like that - it could even be some kind of psychological compulsion, where he just irrationally feels like he can't. That might explain why he can't explain why. I don't know what advice to give her there, though, I don't think "get him to a psychologist" would work.

Also the finger-snapping thing makes me doubt this a little

There are lots of cultures where you aren't supposed to call certain close family members by name, too, but I feel like if that was the reason he'd have to problem telling her (unless there are much deeper problems in this marriage.)

[jadelennox]

Obviously he knows that the third time he says her name, the curse will be enacted and she'll be whisked away to the underworld. He's just trying to protect her!

[melannen]

That makes a lot of sense! Of course! :D

[swingandswirl]

Hello, Whole Man Disposal Services? I'd like to schedule a pickup...

Seriously, what the hell?!

(I would recommend she turn it around on him and snap or whistle when she wants his attention, but I'm not nice...)