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agonyaunt2021-05-04 08:50 pm
The Moneyist: Everybody Sucks Here
Dear Quentin,
My older sister and I are in the process of being appointed co-executrixes of my parents’ estate through the courts, as their will stated. Dad passed in January 2021. Mom passed in 2019.
For tax reasons, my parents put their home in my sister’s name. After the COVID-safe funeral and while in the process of finding an attorney to handle the estate, I offered my sister assistance to go through the house.
Her response was, “The house is mine” — to which I responded, “Yes, but their possessions are not.” I referenced where in the will this was stated. (I’m glad I read it.)
I offered an idea that the beneficiaries and their families go through the house with a pad and pen, make a list of items they were interested in, and afterwards, the three of us siblings would meet to discuss.
If two people wanted the same item, we could flip a coin so there would be no hurt feelings. I thought it was a fair way to handle a difficult task. The response from my sister: “I’ll think about it.”
Weeks went by, and I received a text from my sister on a Thursday afternoon saying she was ready to let us come to the house, and she asked us to let her know what time on Saturday or Sunday we would like to be there. She also asked me to convey this information to my brother.
I expected to walk through my family home. What I found was some of the contents of my parents’ home set up in the garage, like a garage sale.
Needless to say, it was a very unpleasant experience. Many items that I searched for were not there, and I got vague answers about what had happened to them. My brother was outraged, words were exchanged, and he left in disgust. Was this even legal?
This is the latest instance of my sister doing exactly as she pleases without regard for anyone else involved.
My sister did most of the heavy lifting of caring for my parents, but she never asked for help when it was offered. For instance, I suggested an assisted living facility for them to live in, but I was immediately shut down. She had been there, seen it and didn’t like it, so it was a no.
She has an excellent job making six figures, and a lovely home which is paid off. She is not strapped for cash, but when we started this process, she kept saying, “I have to think about my retirement.” She is 67. I think she is padding her 401(k) with everything she can get her hands on.
I am considering hiring an attorney and filing suit against her. Since my parents’ passing she has tried to cut my brother out of a trust. Again, I told her that the will states that trust beneficiaries will be my parents’ surviving children. I’m not a lawyer, but everything she is doing seems sketchy, and I certainly don’t trust her.
I don’t want to end up in an endless court battle. How would you pursue this? Or would you just wrap up the estate and walk away from a toxic individual?
Respectfully,
Baffled
Dear Baffled,
Your sister should have waited for the probate process to be complete before removing — or, indeed, selling or hiding — items from your family home. She has acted beyond her powers as beneficiary of your parents’ home, and in direct contradiction to the terms of the will. Based on the alleged missing items, and her actions around the family trust, she has demonstrated that she cannot be trusted to be co-executrix of your parents’ will.
“The involvement of an attorney and the court system can assist in recovering the stolen or missing items,” according to the law firm Hopler, Wilms & Hanna. “To hopefully avoid taking the matter to court, an attorney can work with the disgruntled family members to create a process to recover the property that was taken and assist in the proper distribution of assets. With family, it is usually best to settle issues as amicably as possible.”
“However, more challenging cases may require the court’s involvement,” the law firm adds. “They can also demand the recovery of the property. This is done by filing a verified petition and having a hearing in front of a judge. During the hearing, which is in all respects a trial, the evidence is taken, and a judge will decide whether the person is in possession of the property wrongfully.”
If you allow her to continue as co-executrix, expect more of the same. She has, in a way, done you a favor by showing her hand. Don’t expect her to act in a reasonable or even legal manner from this point forward. That way, you won’t be surprised or disappointed.
Gather a list of the missing items, and any evidence concerning her attempts to remove your brother as a beneficiary of the family trust, and petition the probate court to be sole executrix and/or share the duties with your brother.
Any other legal action should be taken in consultation with your brother, and with your estimation of the value — financial and sentimental — of the missing items.
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Don't get me wrong, sister seems like a piece of work, but dear LW: please yeet yourself into the sun.
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(care homes are sometimes necessary and the question of when/whether someone needs one is complicated and nuanced and requiring of compassion all around. i know that. but i don't think this LW knows it.)
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Yeah, I mean, you know exactly why I have a knee-jerk reaction against the way the important disability activism stance against institutionalization sometimes turns into a nuance-free "close all the nursing homes!" It's messy and complicated. But LW says nothing that implies she was thinking about anything other than warehousing her parents as airquotes-help-airquotes.
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I'm also curious about the legal advice. I don't think it's right. LW says the house was already in the sister's name - which means it's not part of the estate or covered by probate. She may already have been living there - I would not trust LW not to leave that out conveniently. I'm not sure what that means for her rights over the contents of the house? At the very least, she would be allowed to move them around as needed to use her property, and I don't think she's obligated to let her siblings wander around her house, either - this isn't a case where they can just change the locks until probate is over, since the house isn't part of the estate.
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Weirdly enough, since I SHOWED UP when my Nana was dying, my uncle gave me everything of hers that I asked for. Mother got a check, which she then demanded accounting for (she didn't get it).
What's more important, family or money? I would give everything I have from my grandmother if I could spend one more afternoon holding her hand.
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I confess, I am deeply curious as to what those vague answers were. As I see it, there are two possibilities: One, Sister took time off of work and spent some of her own money to take care of Mom, and that absolutely affected her retirement fund, and so - rightly or wrongly! - she decided to get her back pay, so to speak. Two, those items were gone before Mom died, to help pay for her care, because even if you're handing it all within the family it still costs.
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