1 - I do wish this had advice on what to do if SIL doesn't want LW's husband to know anything. It's a tough spot for LW to basically have to lie to her husband about her husband's own family. I would probably advise LW to tell SIL she doesn't want to lie to her husband, but also doesn't want to break SIL's confidence, and ask what she can tell him that's short of lying, even if it's just something like "I'm sure SIL has her reasons and isn't ready to share them." But even if sister is ready to disclose even that much, it would be hard for it to not come off as telling husband "I have a more trusting relationship with your sister than with you," or as telling SIL "my marriage is more important than your trauma". So I don't have any better advice for that outcome, but I wish I did.
2 - I don't know why commenter's SIL cut off contact with MIL, but I think I know why she cut off contact with the commenter!!
3 - I think Amy absolutely has the correct advice here. Step one is asking the sons what they're comfortable with. And then I was going to write something about how I do think it's a fair question to ask, if the information you're sharing is something a distant acquaintance might know anyway; "A graduated college and B joined the Marines and C is in jail for murder" is the kind of idle news I might share about, like, my half-second-cousins-once-removed, and it does feel weird to think I would feel okay telling him basic news about his sons' second cousins but not about his sons.
But then I got caught up wondering - LW, why are you still in a place where you might share news about second cousins with this guy anyway? Clearly it's not for the kids. Why do you try to have civil interactions with him? The kids are married, at this point he could just be some guy you used to know and haven't talked to since the kids turned 18, you don't have to keep it up just out of habit. You aren't obligated to pick up the phone at all. If he's just using you to try to get information his sons don't want to share, your best bet is to end the civil interactions, like your sons did, and the question won't come up anymore. He absolutely doesn't have a right to his ex-wife's attention or civility once you're not coparents of minors anymore.
If it's more complicated than that - if you still have legal obligations between you, or if your difficult feelings are more mixed than you're making out, or if you both live in the kind of small community where you can't *not* have a relationship with him - then you should definitely make sure your sons know you're still talking to him, and why, and get some clarity on what he might hear about them from you. But first you should probably figure out why you're talking to him at all.
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1 - I do wish this had advice on what to do if SIL doesn't want LW's husband to know anything. It's a tough spot for LW to basically have to lie to her husband about her husband's own family. I would probably advise LW to tell SIL she doesn't want to lie to her husband, but also doesn't want to break SIL's confidence, and ask what she can tell him that's short of lying, even if it's just something like "I'm sure SIL has her reasons and isn't ready to share them." But even if sister is ready to disclose even that much, it would be hard for it to not come off as telling husband "I have a more trusting relationship with your sister than with you," or as telling SIL "my marriage is more important than your trauma". So I don't have any better advice for that outcome, but I wish I did.
2 - I don't know why commenter's SIL cut off contact with MIL, but I think I know why she cut off contact with the commenter!!
3 - I think Amy absolutely has the correct advice here. Step one is asking the sons what they're comfortable with. And then I was going to write something about how I do think it's a fair question to ask, if the information you're sharing is something a distant acquaintance might know anyway; "A graduated college and B joined the Marines and C is in jail for murder" is the kind of idle news I might share about, like, my half-second-cousins-once-removed, and it does feel weird to think I would feel okay telling him basic news about his sons' second cousins but not about his sons.
But then I got caught up wondering - LW, why are you still in a place where you might share news about second cousins with this guy anyway? Clearly it's not for the kids. Why do you try to have civil interactions with him? The kids are married, at this point he could just be some guy you used to know and haven't talked to since the kids turned 18, you don't have to keep it up just out of habit. You aren't obligated to pick up the phone at all. If he's just using you to try to get information his sons don't want to share, your best bet is to end the civil interactions, like your sons did, and the question won't come up anymore. He absolutely doesn't have a right to his ex-wife's attention or civility once you're not coparents of minors anymore.
If it's more complicated than that - if you still have legal obligations between you, or if your difficult feelings are more mixed than you're making out, or if you both live in the kind of small community where you can't *not* have a relationship with him - then you should definitely make sure your sons know you're still talking to him, and why, and get some clarity on what he might hear about them from you. But first you should probably figure out why you're talking to him at all.