My Husband Won’t Let Me Teach Our Baby My Native Language

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I grew up in Ireland, where we weren’t allowed to speak our language or participate in our culture in any way by English law. I went to America for college and married an American man, and am now pregnant. I suggested to my husband that I speak Irish and he speak English to the baby, so they grow up bilingual. He said the baby won’t be speaking a language he doesn’t speak.

I’m heartbroken, since he knows how hard it was for me and my family to be so disconnected from our culture, and how hard we fought—and Irish people still fight—for our language not to die. When I tried to explain this, he rolled his eyes and said his family is descended from French and Italian as well as English, so by my logic we should teach the baby four languages. 1) He only speaks English. 2) We could learn as much French and Italian as we can before the baby comes if it’s important, which I told him. 3) His families immigrated here more than 100 years ago, and I’ve never heard him talk about those cultures before now.

I’ve tried to discuss this calmly over the past few days, which has only resulted in worse and worse fights, until he finally yelled that I’m white and I should stop acting like I’m special, or the baby’s going to think white people are oppressed. I’ve never compared our occupation with what people of color go through in America, or any country. Since moving here my husband and I have participated in protests and political meetings for racial equality, and never once has he mentioned that my desire for connection to my culture is offensive or even related to the fight of oppressed people in America. I don’t understand why he is offended at the idea of our child having the freedom to know this part of their culture, which is so important to me since I know the pain of it being illegal. Is this inappropriate in America? Is it giving up solidarity with people of color if I teach my child my language, when many people face racist violence for not speaking English?

—Erin Go Wha?

Dear Erin Go Wha,

No, of course teaching your child to understand and appreciate their Irish heritage—through language and other means—in no way conflicts with your wish to be in solidarity with people of color in the U.S. Your husband’s comment about teaching the baby French and Italian, and the out-of-left-field accusation that it is somehow … racist(?) of you to want your child to speak your country’s language, is a clear example of derailment. The bottom line, I suspect, is that he doesn’t want his child to know something he doesn’t, and he might also fear being left out in some way if you and your child share a language he doesn’t understand. Both these things strike me as regrettably small and petty of him, perhaps springing from some insecurity (about himself, or his potential to be a good parent, or both), and I’m sorry you’re dealing with his attitude as fallout.

I think it’s wonderful that you want to share a language and other cultural knowledge and traditions with your child. They also have a right to their heritage. While it would be ideal to have your husband’s understanding and cooperation, you do not actually need his permission to teach your child about their roots or the culture the two of you will share.

It really sounds like there has been a communication breakdown, given both his accusations and the fact that he yelled them at you. I think he’s the one at fault, and I find his behavior to be a bit of a red flag. Both of you might benefit from some marital counseling if you find you cannot communicate about or work through this on your own. I hope that your husband starts being more reasonable and more generous—to both you and your future child—and that you can get on the same page before your baby arrives.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/bilingual-baby-disagreement-care-and-feeding.html

Comments

[conuly]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I have a nagging suspicion that this sort of letter disproportionately features a parent who speaks Irish Gaelic, Scottish Gaelic, or Welsh. I know it can and does happen with other languages, but somehow it just seems to me that it's usually a Celtic language we see this with. Maybe those other people don't let their partners boss them around, or maybe they do and never complain to advice columnists.

At any rate, the only correct response to "We should teach the baby French as well!" is "Great, I'll start doing Duolingo today and order some self-teaching books. And as they're both Romance languages and we're Americans, I thought we should add some Spanish to the mix! It'll be fun!"

[shreena]

I've also noticed a transatlantic difference in attitudes on bringing up a child bilingual. In the UK, it's almost universally regarded as a positive thing that will give your child an advantage in life. I read a couple of American parenting forums and I notice a really different attitude there - often people who view it as something that will be bad for the child, etc.

[minoanmiss]

I read a couple of American parenting forums and I notice a really different attitude there - often people who view it as something that will be bad for the child, etc.

*boggles* What possible mechanism for these supposed bad effects are they anticipating?

[shreena]

It seems to be partly an assumption that it's bad for speech development which seems bizarre as it's well known that it's the opposite. And then partly a vague sense that it's unAmerican somehow

[minoanmiss]

Americans, this American says with exasperation.

[conuly]

Many people do think that it'll delay speech - and anecdotally, I've found this ignorance everywhere in the Anglosphere.

Additionally, there's a strong push for immigrants to assimilate. This isn't just coming from Americans, but often from inside immigrant cultures as well, an idea that if they speak their home language they somehow won't speak English as well.

[cereta]

It can delay speech a bit, but the bilingual kids catch up just fine.

[jadelennox]

which is so weird, because around here (in Massachusetts) there are bilingual preschools that rich white Anglos send their kids to, like it's a kind of baby mozart that will make them smarter.

[heavenscalyx]

I wonder if it's because of the 1990s-onward resurgence of attempting to reclaim Celtic culture/language, and a lot of white Americans not thinking it's a particularly legit language because, you know, it's supposed to be dead and all the Irish people assimilated and speaking English and stuff.

(I recently saw a post fly by on one of my social media feeds about someone teaching their kids Yiddish instead of Hebrew who was getting a lot of crap from fellow Jews for it.)

The husband telling her she's white and should basically get over it smacks really hard of both not wanting LW and child to have something he doesn't AND not thinking her language is legit, that it's just some weird pecadillo that she has.

[jadelennox]

I'm glad I learned Hebrew as a kid, but I wish my dad had taught me Yiddish; it was the language he fought with his parents in. (They spoke English fluently as a second language; he spoke English as a first language but Yiddish was the language for fighting with his parents.)

A friend of mine is the daughter of a hearing Child of Deaf Adults, and her dad never taught her ASL, which was his first language, so she never learned to speak to her own grandparents. It always made her sad.

We now know enough about brain development to know that multilingualism is good, actually, and teaching your kids all the languages in which you're fluent is good, actually.

Husband sux and should learn Irish if he's jealous. It's a cool language! It's full of random constanants!