My Husband Won’t Let Me Teach Our Baby My Native Language

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I grew up in Ireland, where we weren’t allowed to speak our language or participate in our culture in any way by English law. I went to America for college and married an American man, and am now pregnant. I suggested to my husband that I speak Irish and he speak English to the baby, so they grow up bilingual. He said the baby won’t be speaking a language he doesn’t speak.

I’m heartbroken, since he knows how hard it was for me and my family to be so disconnected from our culture, and how hard we fought—and Irish people still fight—for our language not to die. When I tried to explain this, he rolled his eyes and said his family is descended from French and Italian as well as English, so by my logic we should teach the baby four languages. 1) He only speaks English. 2) We could learn as much French and Italian as we can before the baby comes if it’s important, which I told him. 3) His families immigrated here more than 100 years ago, and I’ve never heard him talk about those cultures before now.

I’ve tried to discuss this calmly over the past few days, which has only resulted in worse and worse fights, until he finally yelled that I’m white and I should stop acting like I’m special, or the baby’s going to think white people are oppressed. I’ve never compared our occupation with what people of color go through in America, or any country. Since moving here my husband and I have participated in protests and political meetings for racial equality, and never once has he mentioned that my desire for connection to my culture is offensive or even related to the fight of oppressed people in America. I don’t understand why he is offended at the idea of our child having the freedom to know this part of their culture, which is so important to me since I know the pain of it being illegal. Is this inappropriate in America? Is it giving up solidarity with people of color if I teach my child my language, when many people face racist violence for not speaking English?

—Erin Go Wha?

Dear Erin Go Wha,

No, of course teaching your child to understand and appreciate their Irish heritage—through language and other means—in no way conflicts with your wish to be in solidarity with people of color in the U.S. Your husband’s comment about teaching the baby French and Italian, and the out-of-left-field accusation that it is somehow … racist(?) of you to want your child to speak your country’s language, is a clear example of derailment. The bottom line, I suspect, is that he doesn’t want his child to know something he doesn’t, and he might also fear being left out in some way if you and your child share a language he doesn’t understand. Both these things strike me as regrettably small and petty of him, perhaps springing from some insecurity (about himself, or his potential to be a good parent, or both), and I’m sorry you’re dealing with his attitude as fallout.

I think it’s wonderful that you want to share a language and other cultural knowledge and traditions with your child. They also have a right to their heritage. While it would be ideal to have your husband’s understanding and cooperation, you do not actually need his permission to teach your child about their roots or the culture the two of you will share.

It really sounds like there has been a communication breakdown, given both his accusations and the fact that he yelled them at you. I think he’s the one at fault, and I find his behavior to be a bit of a red flag. Both of you might benefit from some marital counseling if you find you cannot communicate about or work through this on your own. I hope that your husband starts being more reasonable and more generous—to both you and your future child—and that you can get on the same page before your baby arrives.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/bilingual-baby-disagreement-care-and-feeding.html

Comments

[conuly]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I have a nagging suspicion that this sort of letter disproportionately features a parent who speaks Irish Gaelic, Scottish Gaelic, or Welsh. I know it can and does happen with other languages, but somehow it just seems to me that it's usually a Celtic language we see this with. Maybe those other people don't let their partners boss them around, or maybe they do and never complain to advice columnists.

At any rate, the only correct response to "We should teach the baby French as well!" is "Great, I'll start doing Duolingo today and order some self-teaching books. And as they're both Romance languages and we're Americans, I thought we should add some Spanish to the mix! It'll be fun!"

[harpers_child]

One of my great-grandmothers was a WWI war bride from France. Her husband told her she couldn't teach the children French because he didn't speak it. The next family member to speak French was my younger sister who chose it from the list in high school when she had to take a language. Teach your kid your language. Please. If your husband continues to be a jerk about it, leave.

(I'm reminded of an AITA post where the husband was told he was the A and rethought his position and decided to learn his wife's language. I can only hope this guy will have similar growth.)

[ashbet]

Lose the husband, keep the baby and the language.

What the absolute FUCK.

This guy needs an adjustment with a pipe wrench.

[shopfront]

This dude does not sound like a good potential co-parent and the baby isn't even here yet... even beyond counselling for the relationship, I hope she's thinking about custody issues and how much support she has or if she'd want to return to Ireland and her family if they split up at some point. This letter makes him sound like bees in a red flag coat and her choices might be so much more complicated after the birth.

[rmc28]

"the baby won't be speaking a language he doesn't speak"

He could LEARN it. I started on Duolingo in 2015, there's online courses at FutureLearn, both are free to take, with payment options if you can afford them (Duo to get rid of ads, FutureLearn if you want a certificate).

It's not about the language is it? It's about LW having something he doesn't, and wanting to share that with their child, and instead of recognising the value of it to her, he is shouting her down and calling her racist. I bet 100% he is calling her racist to shut her up rather than because he actually thinks that speaking a minoritised language within the family is oppressive to Black people.

[shreena]

As an aside, I'm not sure it's true that speaking Gaelic was outlawed in Northern Ireland - I don't know lots about it but what I gathered from a bit of a google search is that Gaelic was deliberately not promoted in Northern Ireland but it wasn't ever the case that it was against the law or anything. I also don't think it was the case that in the 80s/90s/00s (extrapolating the OP's age from her pregnancy) that participating in Irish culture was banned either.

[ekaterinn]

My dad's from Ireland, so this strikes home. I've never learned more than a few words of Irish, but Irish culture and heritage means a lot to me. I lived in Ireland for a year, attending Trinity College and did my high school honors thesis on the intersections between Irish history and Celtic mythology. While they are definitely Irish-Americans who are also racist as fuck, you can share in the culture and work against racism at the same time.

Unless OP lived in one of the few small Irish-speaking enclaves, they would have learned Irish at school as a second language. Wanting the baby to learn Irish as a first language is a very understandable impulse!

I would view the over-reaction of the husband as a clear red flag and would encourage the OP to head to counseling (with or without the husband) BEFORE the baby is born. Figuring out whether this is a sign of stress that can be resolved amicably (Irish is on Duolingo now if husband wants to learn!) or the start of a pattern of controlling behavior is critical.

[vindoletta]

That attitude is not unique to the US. I live in Spain, in a region with its own language which was forbidden during the Francoist dictatorship, on top of Spanish which is common to all the country. The reasons against learning the regional language are varied, but the end result is the same: people don't teach it to their children, and each decade it loses more speakers.

I think OP's husband's reasons might stem from a sense of nationalistic/xenophobic superiority, a sense of inferiority ("being left behind"), and given that's a common attitude there, maybe he also doesn't want to stand out or face other people's judgement? In any case those are shitty reasons, and he needs to reconsider.

It's also telling he brought out the issue of race. I'm a white woman who doesn't live in the US, so I don't think I can comment on the "racism against POC" bit, but it seems like he equates "white" to "white, anglo-saxon and English-speaking ONLY", which uh. It's not how it works?

Plus, I imagine normalizing speaking a second language among white people would probably reduce the stigma against other bilingual communities.

Anyways, it seems like xenophobia and racism are entangled and treated like they're the same in the husband's mind, even though that's not always actually the case.

[lemonsharks]

Speculation: Husbando does not want Mom and Baby to share a language he doesn't speak because it messes with his ability to control his wife and future kid.

Advice: Go back to Ireland before you have the kid and do not return to the US. with luck this entire man will not follow/stalk you back to your home country. With even more luck, he'll get distracted without future kid right there reminding him they exist and fade out of your lives as if he does not exist.

[ayebydan]

I am calling BS on this whole letter. No one of childbearing age was barred from using Irish by LAW in either the republic or the north. Places in the north discouraged it and schools might have snapped to 'speak proper English' as they did to me and my fellow students in Scotland speaking Scots but on break times? At home? Walking down the street? No. I don't know what LW expected to gain here but this is based on lies and can't be true.

[mirlacca]

I'd seriously examine that relationship if I were the LW. The man she married is clearly ethnocentric, racist, and unwilling to acknowledge the rest of the world. Growing up bilingual is a gift, and allows a person to broaden their horizons and opportunities immeasurably. He isn't prepared to accept his wife's background or history, much less her language, and I feel very sorry for her and for their children. The idea that she's "white" and should stop acting like she's "special" is just confusing. Does he think that "white" means "American English"?

[swingandswirl]

I would not walk, I would RUN away. What the actual and entire fuck.