agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I need some help countering favoritism in my in-law family.

My mother-in-law has been handing nice antiques to my husband’s younger brother, while at the same time giving my husband broken trinket items.

(I have written thank you notes for every item.)

I have tried to take the approach in private that we should expect nothing.

It's very hard to attend gatherings where my MIL bestows a gigantic heirloom on my BIL after years of her crowing that everything would go to her eldest son (my husband).

It feels like some cruel experiment where one child is starved and the other is given every resource possible – in front of the starving one, for added drama.

My BIL is sheepish, but he tends to enjoy his largesse.

He hasn't offered to split any of the big-ticket items with his elder brother, the one who was promised the things to begin with.

We have enough money to buy our own things, but it is disappointing to discover years of empty promises.

I don't want my MIL to know that years of slights have left their mark.

It would be an absolute slam dunk if my husband and I could appear too busy traveling and being successful to notice she'd given the entire household to her younger son!

How can I appear not to be hurt?

– Upset DIL

Dear Upset: It is possible that your mother-in-law believes that she is actually rebalancing her relationship with her sons.

After all, she displayed the terrible judgment throughout the years to promise all of her possessions to her eldest son. Perhaps those promises didn’t yield whatever reaction she desired (loyalty, dependence, control), and so now she is switching it up.

The effect of her behavior now is to drive a wedge between the two brothers, based on the flimsiest of reasons: i.e., who went home with the samovar.

The best way to appear not to be hurt is to not actually be hurt. The best way to counter favoritism is to accept it for what it is: an unfortunate and unfair attempt to manipulate and control.

If your husband’s feelings are hurt, he (not you) should discuss this with his mother: “Mom, give your things to whomever you like. But your blatant favoritism – first to me, now to my brother – is not good for our relationship.”

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2494453?fs

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1. Why is LW writing the thank you notes?
2. Why, in fact, is LW centering herself in this narrative which seems to have extremely little to do with her and quite a lot to do with the very toxic family from which her husband sprung?
3. Why does LW need it spelled out to her that for years, it was her BIL who was "starving" and being slighted?
4. I'm thinking that LW's husband, alas, married into a family only somewhat less toxic than his first family. Because, honestly, it reads like LW would be a-okay with her husband getting everything and BIL being left in the cold, and that's not all right either.

1. I'm guessing LW wants some of this stuff and is trying to suck up to get it.
2&3. Everything must be about me. /sarcasm
4. I feel bad for LWs husband and BiL who have been pitted against each other for their mother's affection.

Right?! And she completely seems to have missed that there's... like... MUCH worse consequences to a parent playing these kinds of narcissistic games with their children than just the items of monetary value not received. She also seems to not even have mentioned her husband's reactions to the drama - it reads like a struggle between her and BIL! And is it so taken for granted to her that the proper use of a priceless heirloom is to SELL it that it doesn't even occur to her that it might be difficult to "split" antiques? I mean, some people have split up china sets and silverware boxes in my parents' families (to general dissatisfaction as far as I've seen and as a result, if it were me I'd just let the other sibling who wanted it have the whole set)... but surely most priceless antiques and heirlooms are more along the lines of artworks and items of furniture???

Basically, I hope her husband and her BIL are both in therapy. And she needs some too, probably.

yeah, my mother's solution has been to quietly figure out which of her pieces her children like best and slowly "declutter" by giving those pieces to those children. I told her the only thing I cared about was one particular painting -- there were other things I loved, of course, I said, but that's the only thing I'd be heartbroken about. She wrote my name on the back of it, and gave it to me a few years later when I bought a house. She gave me another piece I also love, and tbh I also wish I'd mentioned the goose painting, but....I was honest about the one thing I really cared about, and now I have it. If my siblings get everything else, I will be just fine. Every now and then I go to a sibling's house and they have something new from mom's art collection, and it's nice seeing it spread around, knowing it is loved and wanted.

And is it so taken for granted to her that the proper use of a priceless heirloom is to SELL it that it doesn't even occur to her that it might be difficult to "split" antiques?

For real! There was an AITA the other day where OP had been a musician who had a jam group that included a good friend. When friend got cancer, he gave his very valuable vintage mandolin to OP, who actually took up mandolin and cherishes the instrument and memory of friend. After friend died, friend’s family, all non-musicians, said OP should actually give it back as a family heirloom. And that they wanted to use the proceeds to fund remodeling the house. Uh, no. It can be an heirloom or it can be a cash source, but not both.

Ooh, link?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mdie2q/aita_if_i_dont_give_back_a_gift_given_to_me/

Being disinherited is so much simpler.

this.

And probably emotionally healthier all around, tbh.

I would like a situation that is not about me to change to centre my wishes without having to undergo the vulnerability of showing any emotion or need to other humans because that is weakness.

But I also don't want to state that so baldly because even I realize I might look bad if I did.

Yeah, and also it's so normalized that it's hard to have perspective that that's what's happening.

And I get it? It doesn't come from nowhere, and when you come from a context that normalizes this kind of performance and avoidance it's really hard to step outside it and get perspective.