agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: When I was in my early 50s, I became very ill and eventually found out I had severe rheumatoid arthritis. During that time I was in and out of hospitals. The last time I was hospitalized, my husband was too busy to come visit me. On arriving home, I discovered he had changed the locks and moved his girlfriend in. Needless to say, this was quite a shock. His defense was that he was still young and wanted to have fun and didn't want to be around a sick person. So after 20 years of marriage, we divorced.

That was 10 years ago. I'm now 64. I've been able to manage the symptoms of my illness much better. I fish, ride bikes with my granddaughter and volunteer at my church. I'm very content. My problem now is that a good friend keeps trying to convince me to let her set me up with men.

I have no interest in dating. I finally told her I think men are untrustworthy and to please just let it go. How do I convince her to let it lay? Her husband passed away last August from Lewy body dementia, and she started pestering me about dating after that. Why is she like a dog with a bone about my dating life (or lack thereof) all of a sudden? -- Let Me Be Single

Dear LMBS: For what it's worth, your ex sounds like a once-in-a-generation scumbag. I can understand why that experience would lead a person to swear off dating for life, but not all men are untrustworthy. There are some faithful fish out in the sea. That being said, it's perfectly fine to swim solo.

Your friend's fixation on setting you up isn't about you. It's probably not a coincidence that she started up with the matchmaking mania after her husband died. Perhaps she's using it as a distraction from her grief. Maybe she's lonely herself and desires companionship but is not ready to face the prospect of dating, so she's projecting it onto you. I suggest gently asking her why she keeps bringing up the subject and lovingly asking her to please drop it.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2494458

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You know, I've read many letters to advice columns by now where a woman was ditched by her husband or long-term (male) partner after getting a serious illness or disability, but I don't think I've read even one where a woman was the ditcher rather than the ditchee.

I'm sure the reverse must happen, but it doesn't seem to happen nearly as often.

Those poor men! Unable to remember simple phrases like "in sickness and in health" whenever it becomes more convenient to forget!

There are statistics about this, and they’re ugly :/

Speaking as one of them, unfortunately.

I am so stupendously sorry. :( That is just -- that's what the term 'oathbreaker' with all its weight is for.

:(

I'm so sorry.

"most people – regardless of gender – do not leave their partners when they get sick. In a 2015 paper, researchers tracked 2,701 marriages using a study on health and retirement and watched what happened when someone became unwell during a marriage: only 6% of cases ended in divorce.

But that same study showed that when partners leave, it’s normally men. One study from 2009 found the strongest predictor for separation or divorce for patients with brain cancer was whether or not the sick person was a woman. That same study showed that men were seven times more likely to leave their partner than the other way around if one of them got brain cancer."

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

Yeah, and the predictable midlife infidelity/partner swap is far more men-related than het-related, at least in our culture. If I'm remembering right, there's a statistic like... f/f couples are approximately twice as monogamous/non-cheating as het ones and m/m couples are approximately half. And a quick glance around at gay male celebrities in the mid life crisis age range will show a sizeable percentage, including for example Stephen Fry, having left a lifelong partner for a younger model.

Husbands leave wives who are seriously ill six times more often than wives leave husbands. SIX TIMES. And that doesn't even get into the expectations that women on chemo will still do the laundry and have a hot meal waiting when he gets home.

The expectation that WHAT! I don't know why I'm suprised, but.

Welcome to the patriarchy, I guess.

Thanks, I hate it.

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You seem to be happy with your life, LW. Please keep doing you.

While this is not the same issue.. I read 2 articles recently about older women who have decided that they no longer want to live with men. Some continue to date men. Others just prefer the have deeper relationships with women friends instead of dating.

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27259689/toxic-masculinity-male-friendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/

LW has made a decision with what she wants for her future. Her friend is grieving and likely doesn't know what she wants yet but thinks she can get LW to maybe test the waters? or at least do something different. I at least think the "gently ask her why she keeps bringing this up" and asking her to stop is a decent solution. LW doesn't have to justify why she doesn't want to date. But she should know there are plenty of women out there who prefer to be alone now.

Hello, first time commenting here.

I just wanted to add that in some cultures/countries/conservative upbringings, dating, going out, having casual sex, etc. at your midlife years is frowned upon. Understandable and maybe even acceptable while a person is young, but considered degrading and foolish once the person reaches a certain age. So if LW's friend comes from such an upbringing, she might insist on LW finding a partner too to feel less bad about it, make it seem more acceptable in her mind, and share the pointed comments instead of dealing with it by herself.

Just my two cents.