Carolyn Hax: Grandma chafes at gift embargo

[movingfinger]

Dear Carolyn: I am the grandmother of five beautiful grandchildren younger than 5. They bring me immeasurable joy.

There is an ongoing battle of sorts with one household. These parents do not want ANY gifts or treats, large or small, except for birthdays and Christmas. They put restrictions there as well. I (and the other grandmother) have "forced their hand," by apparently bending the rules too often.

I am not talking big items. A cake pop or a coloring book or sidewalk chalk, something homemade, etc. The thinking, of course, is that the bond is the time together vs. any "thing."

Especially in times of covid-19, delivering small surprises is a way to connect with them. We are not allowed in one another's homes. If we do a Zoom activity, there can be no prizes, etc. Everything must be "approved" beforehand, or it will be whisked away.

It feels as if the years that kids are "wowed" by small, fun gifts and surprises are fleeting. As are the years they can be "wowed" by grandparents! I know soon enough the gifts will be monetary.

My feelings are (ridiculously) hurt by this. Relationships, too. It feels as if we are being told what/when we can gift. There seems to be no room for negotiating. They are sucking the fun out of being a grandparent.

— Hurt

Hurt: You are being told how to Grandma! And it’s a fun-killer. I won’t argue with you there.

I’ve seen more than my share of relatives who ignore boundaries, though, and indeed “force parents’ hands” on limiting gifts — so I’m not declaring anyone blameless, at least not without more information. For all I know, you and the other grandma did force their hands.

But no hand belongs here, in an iron-fist, cake-pop police state. The extreme control and micromanagement you describe isn’t just chilling to any relationship you have with these grandkids — it’s disturbing in its own right.

It is also, I am sorry to say, beyond your power to fix. It’s certainly beyond mine.

For one, it’s their prerogative and their business. It’s even their prerogative to mess it up. They can’t be negligently bad or criminally bad, but they can be garden-variety-bad parents in a colorful array of ways, and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it.

And, they’re not hearing reason. If they were, then they’d already know life is some degree of messy no matter how hard anyone wants it not to be — and they’d know that’s a good thing. That even if they’re rightfully holding at bay a pair of egregious boundary-crashers, the best strategy is to allow coloring books and save the crackdowns for things that actually matter.

So just drop it and behave. Stay close to these kids however their parents permit. We’re all exhausted right now, and this is not the advice anyone wants, but it’s time to get resourceful. Use your search engine to see how pre-K/kindergarten teachers are keeping students engaged over Zoom. Like the ones with faces full of stickers (wapo.st/sticker-face), you can shower your grandbabies in silliness while no material goods change hands.

Time together, after all, is the thing for bonding, which these kids will need abundantly if their adults keep waging these battles for control.

Comments

[azurelunatic]

I have to wonder if there are allergies that Grandma doesn't believe in.

[movingfinger]

The cake pops had nuts on the outside, the kids can pick them off if they're that fussy about nuts!

[azurelunatic]

I'm also thinking about so many AITA posts about stepchildren being treated unequally, so I'm wondering if there's a kid involved who is not Grandma's precious li'l baby, who is sitting by and getting more and more inequity as Grandma attempts to spoil the other kid(s).

[lemonsharks]

My first thought is that one small gift is clutter, five small gifts is a mess. Five small gifts over the course of X years is a disaster.

(Grandparents choosing to not treat stepchildren equally blows my entire mind.

There is a child and they need love and how is it is wrong to repeatedly demonstrate you love one child more than another a difficult concept?)

[movingfinger]

I'm imagining some lavishly competitive grandma gift-giving before the cutoff, and I'm 100% with the parents on putting the brakes on, if only because children should like (or not like) their grandparents for reasons besides gifts! And that's so much harder to do, than just buying the kids stuff.

ETA: I completely disagree with Carolyn's sympathizing. The only way to deal with egregious, self-justifying boundary crashers like these is to come down hard. The grandparents ignored less-extreme measures and are peeved that there were consequences.

[starfleetbrat]

Wow the reply really came down hard on the parents for some reason, but I'm with the parents on this one. Over the top grandparents aside, there are probably good reasons for the restriction of gifts. The Least of which is the amount of clutter these tiny frequent gifts make. If I could go back in time I would limit the gifts too. But also, if you're always giving gifts, then the kids will come to expect them, which doesn't sound like a good thing to me. Good on those parents for wanting to encourage time together over things.

[sara]

I remember so much small random plastic crap coming into my house during those years. What a waste of time and resources, and it generated so little happiness and so much work. I wish the people involved had invested time in the kids instead.

[conuly]

If these are five children in one household, and both set of grandparents visit frequently, then those gifts add up very fast.

LW should spend more time being happy that the Mom and Dad are only restricting gifts and not the one gift that counts, namely, the gift of time.

[ashbet]

Given the mention of "one household," I'm guessing there are at least two sets of grandkids, and one set of parents is objecting to gifts.

I have some sympathy on both sides -- I have been the overly-cluttered, overwhelmed parent, and have also dealt with a boundary-trampling narcissist in the form of my mother, who really overstepped with my daughter multiple times (not through gifts, other control methods -- I did my best to never leave them alone together, but I did not expect that my mother would take permission to take my kid to swimming lessons as permission to take my kid to the HAIRDRESSER and make permanent alterations to her HAIR . . . omfg.)

OTOH, it really IS hard to maintain a relationship over Zoom/FaceTime-only with kids -- I love my tween Bonus Child to bits, but it's hard to keep their attention on video calls, and I'm not super close with my nephews, who live halfway across the country.

But I suspect that the grandparents really steamrollered these parents' boundaries, until the answer was a total gift crackdown.

[conuly]

Somehow, even after double checking, I didn't see "one household".

[minoanmiss]

As a parents's friend/unofficial auntie, I love giving little gifts. I think they're lots of fun. I make stickers, I used to keep toys in my purse, things like that. (Anyone want some stickers?)

But you know what? They're not my kids and if the parents say 'no', that goes. It won't kill me.

(ANd this is assuming these gifts aren't, you know, nut brittle for the kid with nut allergies or stuff like that.)

unrelated to actual post

[katarik]

(I got stickers and can vouch for how cute they are! I loved the ombre mermaids especially.)

Re: unrelated to actual post

[minoanmiss]

*beams*

[conuly]

If you're sincerely asking if anyone wants stickers, the answer is "Yes, my niece loves stickers, even the cheap ones teachers give to younger students, PM me and I'll send you the address". (She's in high school now.)

[minoanmiss]

I am most sincerely asking! PM incoming!

[minoanmiss]

Did the PM go through? (probably but I always worry with electrons)

[conuly]

Where you said yes? I replied with our addy - did you not get that, or is there another PM we're talking about that I missed?

[minoanmiss]

I got your latest PM! stickers on the way!

[conuly]

:D

[jadelennox]

I would be a lot less looking for missing reasons with the parents if the LW hadn't said If we do a Zoom activity, there can be no prizes. As if Zoom prizes were normal and expected! I mean, sure, that's fun if that's your thing, but it's weird, yo.

Also, does prizes mean you're pitting the kids against each other?

Anyway Everything must be "approved" beforehand makes it clear there are missing reasons. Maybe the missing reasons are shitty ones that make the parents look bad! It might not be nuts in the cake pops (or lard in a kosher/halal/vegan house, or sugar in a no-sugar house), it might be "no Harry Potter because that's satanic" or "no Bratz because they make kids into sluts." But whatever those reasons are, the LW is clearly pretending they don't exist.

[melannen]

I work in a library and we've done a lot of Zoom programs with a game where the parents come by to pick up a "prize kit" in advance, so that may not seem that weird if they're using the same sets of "how to keep kids engaged on Zoom" lessons as the library programmers. (But it would still be weird to force the parents into doing it without them volunteering.)

Also, if "everything must be approved beforehand", that implies that some things *are* approved? So it's not "I can't give them a coloring book once in awhile," it's "Parents want to know beforehand". That seems eminently reasonable (I am thinking of some of my aunts and uncles who have tried to give their grandkids, like, live animals. And I had plenty of gifts from relatives that were "whisked away" by my generally laid-back parents. Four-year olds don't need ceramic figurines.)

[shirou]

I like Carolyn's answer. She says, and I agree, that exercising this level of control over how people behave is—in most cases—neither kind nor healthy. And yet, that facts remain:
  — It's the parents' prerogative to set boundaries, even overly strict boundaries.
  — LW and the other grandparents need to respect the parents' boundaries regardless of whether they agree with them.
  — Love and time together, not gifts, are what matter.

[lilysea]

I'm wondering if the gifts are

eg

religious themed

realistic toy guns

etc...

[lemonsharks]

I strongly hope I do not wind up with in-laws like the LW, hot dang.